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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: R seems over
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have every right to check up on him if you are going to R. He broke the trust and must EARN it back, not have it handed to him on a silver platter. Hold your ground; you are right! Best wishes!!

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving any attention feeds not feed his ego.

You are looking for results from him, don't

Detach, ignore.

But...that's just my POV.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not an expert on 180 (in fact, didn't do it all) but I would ignore the text for now at least. Wait and see what others here have to say and let him stew. You can always respond later if you want/need to.
I'm so sorry for your pain. :(

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ignore the text, but I see the MC session as an opportunity to get a lot of stuff out on the table in a context in which you can get support.

You've got some requirements for R. The session you can lay them out and get his response with a witness. You can also lay out the consequences of not meeting the requirements, if that's what your H chooses.

As an aside, his insistence on going on trips with the guys sounds a lot more childish than manly to me.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10333 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want us both to be happy and get everything out of life we both want.

Life is a series of choices and compromises. No one ever gets everything they want and we usually have to weigh out what is important to us. The boundaries here are simple: He wants you to cave and let him go on his man's weekend. Your boundaries should be that he has a choice- the marriage or the weekends away. He gets to make the choice, you aren't choosing it for him. If he chooses the weekend, the marriage isn't as important to him as it should be.

That is how I put it to my husband when he was arguing that he should get to have female friends because that didn't mean he'd have an affair. But he'd already proven his bad boundaries. I said "You can have all the female friends you want. You just can't do that and be married to me." He said "You're trying to pick my friends." I said "No, I'm giving you a choice. You get to make the ultimate decision of what's important to you- our marriage, or your friendships with women. You decide which is more important and I will respond accordingly." He chose the marriage and not only ended every friendship with any female who wasn't a friend of our marriage but ended every friendship with any male friend who wasn't as well. He just needed to understand that it was his decision and then he needed to decide what was important. And I needed to stand up for myself which is what you need to do if you want to have your self-respect in tact at the end of this.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4144 | Registered: Sep 2005
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the support. He sees everything all or nothing, and yes, is acting like a child. He keeps saying this is his punishment. I said I don't see it that way/ you have a choice and I see us making decisions to put our marriage first.

I told him I hope one day we can be in a place of trust and be comfortable with him out of town with friends but I couldn't promise if or he heard never (or pretends to on order to manipulate).

He called me, ranted nonsense about him wrapping his head arou d his new "controlled life" and how he needs to learn to grow up...I simply replied I encourage you to do that work. However, I cannot sit around waiting for you to decide if you can/want to be in this marriage. I've been clear what my wants, needs and expectations are and if these don't work for you, you're free to walk away.

So 180 fail but I am trying. *sigh*

DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, don't respond.

Knocking out a text to you is nothing, a few key strokes, if he cares about your marriage why didn't he just pick up the damn phone? Or better still, say that to you in person. Why is it that one of the most important things in our lives, our relationships, are reduced to abbreviated texts via electronic means. Bah!!

Okay, got that off my chest....

Look at his actions honey.

He looked at the OW profile, then deleted his history.... why would he possibly think that doing any of that was going to do anything but damage further.

Why would he even look at her profile? This OW should be like poison to him, something to stay far, far away from. Not idle curiosity, not something to pass the time doing... why did he do it? Maybe because he hasn't yet realized the magnitude of what he's done, maybe a misguided sense of self-entitlement, maybe she still has some importance to him, he's not in a R mind-frame.

And as for guy's weekends away, yeah, no, that wouldn't be happening in my world, not for a very long time anyway, and why would he even want to? He should be focusing on your marriage, rebuilding with you, not having a good time with the boys.

MC, well, might be worth the effort, you could go and get all this off your chest, the MC could act as a mediator, then I'd leave them to it. But, might be better to ring the MC, update her/him of recent events, and leave him to explain it. MC is pointless if the WH/WW isn't going to do the work, isn't fully invested in the outcome, I don't think he's there honey.


I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see that as a fail. You stated your position in a very calm and controlled, adult way. You didn't rant and rave. You didn't beg and plead. You stuck to the facts.

Sometimes ignoring can come across as childish too IF you hadn't really laid out your boundaries a head of time.

The ball is in his court now to step up or not. His choice.

But what you don't do now is sit around and wait. Now, you detach. You focus on you. You take care of yourself and do things for yourself. You focus on your healing and you don't settle or cave. You don't try and show him or force him or plead with him to change -- it's futile.

Start reading some books for yourself and get into IC for yourself and put the MC thing on hold. It's not easy. Keep at it!

[This message edited by DixieD at 2:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the support. He's a mess crying but heading to IC. Asked why I am taking this so well and I said I have no choice but to...getting off the emotional merry go round. He says this is all his fault and he's scared of making the wrong choice-losing me and being miserable or staying together and being miserable. (His parents have a totally dysfunctional relationship due to His dads cheating, mom's inability to walk or's 45 yrs of what the last 4 months have been for me....add in him being pitted against the other parent and forced to play spy when he was as you g as 5, and constant warnings to "be careful she'll probably never get over this and be like your mom" I understand the fear and fragility...but put your big boy pants on)

I really just want to go home, lay in bed eating chips a d watching movies but I don't think that fits in 180.

[This message edited by roarlouder at 4:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 29
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