You are looking for results from him, don't
But...that's just my POV.
You've got some requirements for R. The session you can lay them out and get his response with a witness. You can also lay out the consequences of not meeting the requirements, if that's what your H chooses.
As an aside, his insistence on going on trips with the guys sounds a lot more childish than manly to me.
I just want us both to be happy and get everything out of life we both want.
Life is a series of choices and compromises. No one ever gets everything they want and we usually have to weigh out what is important to us. The boundaries here are simple: He wants you to cave and let him go on his man's weekend. Your boundaries should be that he has a choice- the marriage or the weekends away. He gets to make the choice, you aren't choosing it for him. If he chooses the weekend, the marriage isn't as important to him as it should be.
That is how I put it to my husband when he was arguing that he should get to have female friends because that didn't mean he'd have an affair. But he'd already proven his bad boundaries. I said "You can have all the female friends you want. You just can't do that and be married to me." He said "You're trying to pick my friends." I said "No, I'm giving you a choice. You get to make the ultimate decision of what's important to you- our marriage, or your friendships with women. You decide which is more important and I will respond accordingly." He chose the marriage and not only ended every friendship with any female who wasn't a friend of our marriage but ended every friendship with any male friend who wasn't as well. He just needed to understand that it was his decision and then he needed to decide what was important. And I needed to stand up for myself which is what you need to do if you want to have your self-respect in tact at the end of this.
20 yrs. old, single, naive, thoughtless, but not deliberately hurtful.
OW#2 05/2010- 07/2010
44 yrs.old, married bitch in heat who acted like a whore and got treated like one.
I told him I hope one day we can be in a place of trust and be comfortable with him out of town with friends but I couldn't promise if or when...so he heard never (or pretends to on order to manipulate).
He called me, ranted nonsense about him wrapping his head arou d his new "controlled life" and how he needs to learn to grow up...I simply replied I encourage you to do that work. However, I cannot sit around waiting for you to decide if you can/want to be in this marriage. I've been clear what my wants, needs and expectations are and if these don't work for you, you're free to walk away.
So 180 fail but I am trying. *sigh*
Knocking out a text to you is nothing, a few key strokes, if he cares about your marriage why didn't he just pick up the damn phone? Or better still, say that to you in person. Why is it that one of the most important things in our lives, our relationships, are reduced to abbreviated texts via electronic means. Bah!!
Okay, got that off my chest....
Look at his actions honey.
He looked at the OW profile, then deleted his history.... why would he possibly think that doing any of that was going to do anything but damage further.
Why would he even look at her profile? This OW should be like poison to him, something to stay far, far away from. Not idle curiosity, not something to pass the time doing... why did he do it? Maybe because he hasn't yet realized the magnitude of what he's done, maybe a misguided sense of self-entitlement, maybe she still has some importance to him, he's not in a R mind-frame.
And as for guy's weekends away, yeah, no, that wouldn't be happening in my world, not for a very long time anyway, and why would he even want to? He should be focusing on your marriage, rebuilding with you, not having a good time with the boys.
MC, well, might be worth the effort, you could go and get all this off your chest, the MC could act as a mediator, then I'd leave them to it. But, might be better to ring the MC, update her/him of recent events, and leave him to explain it. MC is pointless if the WH/WW isn't going to do the work, isn't fully invested in the outcome, I don't think he's there honey.
Sometimes ignoring can come across as childish too IF you hadn't really laid out your boundaries a head of time.
The ball is in his court now to step up or not. His choice.
But what you don't do now is sit around and wait. Now, you detach. You focus on you. You take care of yourself and do things for yourself. You focus on your healing and you don't settle or cave. You don't try and show him or force him or plead with him to change -- it's futile.
Start reading some books for yourself and get into IC for yourself and put the MC thing on hold. It's not easy. Keep at it!
[This message edited by DixieD at 2:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
I really just want to go home, lay in bed eating chips a d watching movies but I don't think that fits in 180.
[This message edited by roarlouder at 4:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]