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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the importance of healing for the BS
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband and I are on such different pages on this. I told him I wasn't most angry about his affairs, I was angry that he didn't really look at what I did - stare it in the face - nor did he look at what he did after his first affair.
I asked why he didn't make therapy a priority, reading, marriage encounters.He replied: why should I punish myself over something YOU did.

I said the BS has the responsibility to heal. I have to heal and I do this by reading, going to IC, posting on infidelity forums and he asked why I was punishing myself doing this?!

I said you had to know that having two affairs certainly wasn't the right way to heal. He said knows he shouldn't have done that but that he was still healing from what I did.

He is angry we have wasted so much money and time going to therapy. He said I have no idea what it's like to have your wife give yourself to someone else after you've kept your vows for 25 years. I agreed I did not know how this would feel. Yet, he takes full responsibility for what he did.

See, this just doesnt' sit right with me. It feels like he thinks he just couldn't help himself...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to heal in the ways that work and are healthy for you. Reading these, IC, and taking care of yourself are necessities for you. You have a right to heal, so please keep trying to do so. Would he benefit from using the WS forum perhaps to see that others can relate?


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
Filed, but may R after

Posts: 751 | Registered: Dec 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you mean that he has the responsibility to figure out why he has his own affair? Or the responsibility to heal from the pain of yours? I'm confused on that.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1906 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you mean that he has the responsibility to figure out why he has his own affair? Or the responsibility to heal from the pain of yours? I'm confused on that.

both. When it was evident what he was doing wasn't working... I guess he just reached for the coping mechanism that felt good. Again.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would he benefit from using the WS forum perhaps to see that others can relate?

because reading about it would be reminding himself what happened and that's punishing to him.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

both. When it was evident what he was doing wasn't working... I guess he just reached for the coping mechanism that felt good. Again
Gotcha. I think that he definitely needs to work on his coping mechanisms as a WS, because they're in no way healthy going forward.

As far as healing as a BS....I don't know, maybe he feels even? I mean, a LOT of people have RAs and say that it fucked things up even worse because it didn't alleviate the pain and just added guilt on top of it....but everyone is built differently and maybe he had his RA(s), took account of everything, and just felt that things were even in his mind. I don't imagine that's how I (or most people) function, but I guess it's possible.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1906 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you can show him my thoughts...
He said I have no idea what it's like to have your wife give yourself to someone else after you've kept your vows for 25 years.

You're certainly not going to have any idea of what he feels unless he tells you - and telling it to an IC may be easier and just as healing. I don't think he's facing his feelings as a BS, and I think that's the biggest obstacle between you. (JMO, of course.)

The way for him to get his strength back is to face those feelings, process them, realize they're just feelings, and then move on to the healing he has to do as a WS.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:57 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9722 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks Sisoon - by the way, your PM box is full!

yes, I've dissected this and he still blames me. There is no way he can call himself a wayward without the word "but" after it.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's punishing to him.

That's really the crux; what he sees as punishing the rest of the world sees as healing. That's a pretty big difference in perspective.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6274 | Registered: Jan 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's really the crux; what he sees as punishing the rest of the world sees as healing. That's a pretty big difference in perspective.

I know! WTH?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I differ on the healing steps too.

My wife and I disagree on the benefits of SI.....I am active, she is passive.

My wife and I disagree on How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair book should be applied.....I say all of it, she picked and chose.

My point is that the pain is similiar, maybe identical, in nature for a BS. The processing of that pain, however, is diverse.

I have my "rathers" on how this process looks....my wife has hers.

What I am finding, at 17 months out, is that these "rathers" are lining up more and more.....though we are not identical, I will say we are getting "more similar".

Kind of an illusive response to your post....but I don't have this figured out either.

One thing I do know that has helped me is this simple quote.

"My biggest problem to my marriage is.....me."

What this does for me is to put me in complete control of my actions....I no longer am tied to what my wife does or does not do for me.

Seems like you both are continuing to wrestle with that nuance.....and I still do to, sometimes. But that was back when I was pushing hard to R our M. I have learned through LOTS of practice to ...... be still.

10 being full speed....I am probably at a 6 now. Upon my DD I was a 10!.


God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So wait....

I said you had to know that having two affairs certainly wasn't the right way to heal. He said knows he shouldn't have done that but that he was still healing from what I did.

How exactly was he healing? By having two A's?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, IIRC you were raped the first time you "cheated" on your husband. That is not cheating. That is rape. Does he understand that?

If I have you confused with someone else, I am so sorry.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7100 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA - he claims he wasn't ready - to heal, to look at what both of us did, I don't know. We went to a marriage encounter - an expensive one - between his affairs. He said he wasn't ready for that either.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, IIRC you were raped the first time you "cheated" on your husband. That is not cheating. That is rape. Does he understand that?
If I have you confused with someone else, I am so sorry.

that has sometimes been referred to as my 2nd affair, by him. I exercised poor boundaries - I got drunk at a hotel with friends and had my own room. He is very angry about that. I understand.

[This message edited by rachelc at 2:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has never healed from your A. Period. I still wonder if it wasn't a deal breaker for him, but he can't make the move.

We are all responsible for healing our own selves, IMO.

He had his 2 RA ONS's. It probably just added to the load he carries.

You can't carry the load by yourself. He still needs to heal from his BS status and his WS status.

IMO I see you ( I don't know him) on a hampster wheel....going around and around and around.

At some point you have to stop the crazies and fix what hurts.

The only one you can fix is you.

I would concentrate on myself. Otherwise you will be searching, wondering, waiting, hoping all the while standing still....kwim?

Let go of his issues and pick up just yours. He can either follow suit or not, but you cannot spend your life waiting for him to be ready.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3754 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma, I feel that I have worked on myself. I'm a safe person to be with. I have clarified values, etc.
If he hasn't healed from what I did (how do I know?) then we won't have an intimate marriage.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he hasn't healed from what I did (how do I know?) then we won't have an intimate marriage.

What has he done to heal? I see you in the same place rach, so something is stuck or I am not seeing clearly.

I feel like he hasn't really moved any mountains, am I wrong?

I had to heal and dig for a long, long time as a BS.

You have had to deal with your A, his 2 and your sexual assault.

I think there must be more to uncover. But I am not you, only you know the truth you carry in your heart.

I am not judging your healing, hell no, but I think you are in turmoil.

Is he the cause of it all?

And if that answer is yes, how long is he allowed to sit in limbo?

Just questions .... no right or wrong answers.

And again, I am on the outside looking in and could be off in my perception.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3754 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like he hasn't really moved any mountains, am I wrong?


he has not. His mountain is staying with me after I cheated.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Dec 2010
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His mountain is staying with me after I cheated.

Put his mountain down...you can't move it.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3754 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 29
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