He replied: why should I punish myself over something YOU did.
So introspection and self analysis are punishing for him. While I see that as common avoidance, it's not healthy.
I said you had to know that having two affairs certainly wasn't the right way to heal. He said knows he shouldn't have done that but that he was still healing from what I did.
Other peoples behavior should not dictate ones own moral choices. He screwed up there as did you originally.
I'm not a mad hatter. My W's A was a one way street. When we sat down to review needs based on the book and our MC's advice, I past pre-A with flying colors. My W was the one that was messed up. I don't accept 50% of the M stuff prior to the A because even that was not true. It was her selfishness and inability to listen effectively that caused most of our problems - period. I say this not to toot my own horn, but to give you a frame of reference that I don't get the whole mad hatter thing.
That said, you asked me to chime in :)
From looking at your amount of posts and your starting date we are talking about 3 years out and some change. The two of you have seen the headshrinkers and my guess is talked the deals to death.
Put his mountain down...you can't move it.
That's really the crux; what he sees as punishing the rest of the world sees as healing. That's a pretty big difference in perspective.
These two things are the same. His mountain. His problems. His life. He is not obligated to so shit. While I would argue that the "rest of the world" does not see therapy and introspection as healing, it is healthy and IMO needed to be a healthy person. Your H does not do that very well.
Here is the rub. Is it good enough for you? If you are looking for that special ever after I have a little surprise for you, it is as much of a fantasy as A's are. It's in your head. Your H messed up (and won't fully resolve that with himself) You messed up and are really trying to resolve that for yourself. Accept who he is and heal yourself. Decide what you want out of life and then see if he fits into it. Let go of that hurt you have because it is gonna kill you. Let it go. Stop trying to un-F the donkey or even analyse it.
My two cent is this. Turn inward. That does not mean turn away from your H. It just means drop the fantasy that the two of you will have some fabulous loving relationship. Read Act with Love and Full Catastrophe Living - by yourself. Try it for a month - go on a rachelc journey. Then take another look at him and see how he is.
I just think you are beating a horse that does not want to run or can't. Stop evaluating what you want to do based on your H's behavior. Start evaluating that for yourself only.
I came to terms with a few simple truths. I liked my life. My W is OK. It is better for me to stay in my M given all the variables. That is based on where we both are and what we have committed to in our family. Given all that, I chart my own coarse and make plans with her and the family as well. Are we close, yes. It ebbs and flows. Do I view us special. Nope. I dropped that bad habit a few years back. People aren't special and neither are couples. They just are.