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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the importance of healing for the BS
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel's,
I totally agee with you on this. WS or BS, regardless of who we are, we are placed at a crossroad of pain and we are seeking to improve ourselves. The correct path is facing the pain, processing it, not running with more of the same. Healing comes from within not from acting out and collecting. So my question would be does be believe it yet? That's what I would be looking for rather than focusing in his RAs. Keep talking. Wishing you peace.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 784 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he hasn't healed from what I did (how do I know?) then we won't have an intimate marriage.

Did you have an intimate marriage before the 3 affairs (and the rape)?

He replied: why should I punish myself over something YOU did. I said the BS has the responsibility to heal. I have to heal and I do this by reading, going to IC, posting on infidelity forums and he asked why I was punishing myself doing this?!

Because it sounds like what you perceive as communicating and connecting ... he perceives as punishment.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my question would be does be believe it yet? That's what I would be looking for rather than focusing in his RAs.

yes I believe he does.. that that was the wrong way to go. It took a while.

Ah, the focus on the RA - that is MY issue - I still can't figure out if I can stay married to someone who did this twice, with no confession. It nearly destroyed me. I dont' want him to necessarily have the "healed me." Wow, I just realized this.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ladies first - not really. We had NEVER had a fight before the affairs. Not that that means intimacy but we were conflict avoiders and i think that means running away from intimacy.

Yes, I get the communication thing. I just have never heard a BS refer to healing as punishment. I don't think I've ever run across that here. Waywards, yes, who don't want to read on SI, go to IC, etc.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO your husband does not view your a as a deal breaker. I am sorry he thinks you had two affairs still.

IC helped me a considerable amount in many ways. One way it did was that it absolutely helped me understand that my wife's actions don't define me.... My actions do.

It appears your husband is honestly confused...not being sarcastic....he really could be confused . I was. I was making and getting ready to make some very destructive choices and was talking myself into it being my wife's "fault".

This is when I read the quote I referenced earlier.....I was loosing track (confused) that, while my wife had made choices that hurt me, I still had complete control over my actions. Therefore I was solely responsible for those consequences.

Your husband is a WS. RA are still affairs....consequences are the same.....and I submit it adds exponentially to the confusion and pain.

God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He replied: why should I punish myself over something YOU did.

So introspection and self analysis are punishing for him. While I see that as common avoidance, it's not healthy.

I said you had to know that having two affairs certainly wasn't the right way to heal. He said knows he shouldn't have done that but that he was still healing from what I did.

Other peoples behavior should not dictate ones own moral choices. He screwed up there as did you originally.

I'm not a mad hatter. My W's A was a one way street. When we sat down to review needs based on the book and our MC's advice, I past pre-A with flying colors. My W was the one that was messed up. I don't accept 50% of the M stuff prior to the A because even that was not true. It was her selfishness and inability to listen effectively that caused most of our problems - period. I say this not to toot my own horn, but to give you a frame of reference that I don't get the whole mad hatter thing.

That said, you asked me to chime in :)

From looking at your amount of posts and your starting date we are talking about 3 years out and some change. The two of you have seen the headshrinkers and my guess is talked the deals to death.

Put his mountain down...you can't move it.

That's really the crux; what he sees as punishing the rest of the world sees as healing. That's a pretty big difference in perspective.

These two things are the same. His mountain. His problems. His life. He is not obligated to so shit. While I would argue that the "rest of the world" does not see therapy and introspection as healing, it is healthy and IMO needed to be a healthy person. Your H does not do that very well.

Here is the rub. Is it good enough for you? If you are looking for that special ever after I have a little surprise for you, it is as much of a fantasy as A's are. It's in your head. Your H messed up (and won't fully resolve that with himself) You messed up and are really trying to resolve that for yourself. Accept who he is and heal yourself. Decide what you want out of life and then see if he fits into it. Let go of that hurt you have because it is gonna kill you. Let it go. Stop trying to un-F the donkey or even analyse it.

My two cent is this. Turn inward. That does not mean turn away from your H. It just means drop the fantasy that the two of you will have some fabulous loving relationship. Read Act with Love and Full Catastrophe Living - by yourself. Try it for a month - go on a rachelc journey. Then take another look at him and see how he is.

I just think you are beating a horse that does not want to run or can't. Stop evaluating what you want to do based on your H's behavior. Start evaluating that for yourself only.

I came to terms with a few simple truths. I liked my life. My W is OK. It is better for me to stay in my M given all the variables. That is based on where we both are and what we have committed to in our family. Given all that, I chart my own coarse and make plans with her and the family as well. Are we close, yes. It ebbs and flows. Do I view us special. Nope. I dropped that bad habit a few years back. People aren't special and neither are couples. They just are.

take care...



Posts: 1431 | Registered: Jan 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W is OK. It is better for me to stay in my M given all the variables. That is based on where we both are and what we have committed to in our family. Given all that, I chart my own coarse and make plans with her and the family as well. Are we close, yes. It ebbs and flows. Do I view us special. Nope. I dropped that bad habit a few years back. People aren't special and neither are couples. They just are.

wow, this is depressing....

I have a great life, it's exactly the way I want it - I'm not sure WHY I'm so unhappy, other than the obvious.

I've read those books - I've done that for a while, although not for a month. He loves it. He has a nice wife, no conflict, etc.

I need to reread chapter 3 on staying or going and the 4 choices I have.

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:56 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the rub. Is it good enough for you? If you are looking for that special ever after I have a little surprise for you, it is as much of a fantasy as A's are. It's in your head. Your H messed up (and won't fully resolve that with himself) You messed up and are really trying to resolve that for yourself. Accept who he is and heal yourself. Decide what you want out of life and then see if he fits into it. Let go of that hurt you have because it is gonna kill you. Let it go. Stop trying to un-F the donkey or even analyse it.


Rachel, if you see Wert's other comment as depressing, focus on this one. This is a solid paragraph of sound advice.

Rachel, I asked you this months ago...what do YOU want? What do you want? Go get it! But like Wert says - figure it out and see if H fits in.

I sometimes think you already know. Hugs to you.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, this is depressing....

Pain and loss are the best teachers...

I guess I have found the entire experience, the journey since my W's A to be very enlightening. Yes, I loss what I thought I had, but I found a resilience and a view of the world that I did not have before. I enjoy things more knowing they are fleeting. I revel in the fact that my W and I are not special. I revel in the fact that we all are in our own way. It is more than me. Being a witness to my own life and the people in it I see tragedy not as something to be avoided but instead as something that is unavoidable and to be learned from.

You need to write your own story rachelc. Be your own hero. Bring your husband a long for the ride of his life...your life...

take care...



Posts: 1431 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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