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User Topic: Your insight appreciated (WS welcome)
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my BIL texts me last night for awhile. WW has him do it from time to time to check in on me. I'm no idiot.

He conveys to me that my WW doesn't feel like I'm "safe to come clean to (assuming it's true)". The "assuming it's true part" is in reference to her actually having sex with the other man and is a direct quote from his text. She is evidently worried that I would ruin her reputation by telling everyone that she slept with the OM if she comes clean to me. My BIL says she still denies there was ever sex involved.

I told him I have no interest in ruining her reputation, but that if I did, her "coming clean" was not necessary. I admit, that I want consequences, but I'm not going to stoop to her level.

I mean, the "court of public opinion" would side with me. If people new about 1000's of texts, 1000's of minutes on the phone, 30-40 trips to his house over the course of 4 months (that I have record of and there could be more), a confirmed afternoon rendezvous at an Inn, her admission that their conversations were flirtatious and sexual in nature, and all lies she told me to cover it up, who wouldn't think she slept with him. What's worse, letting me use my imagination, or telling me the entire truth and answering my questions. Let's face it, the mind movies in my head right now would make a porn star blush.

Sort of in her defense, and to be fair, I have told several people about her "talking to much" to another man and that "she refuses to stop". That's it. No details about the extent or amount. I can count on one hand the people that know everything, and they are family and my best friend. If I wasn't "safe", I would have outed her a long time ago. I think she should kiss my feet for keeping it as quiet as I have.

To me, it just sounds like another excuse she is coming up with to justify her actions and shift the blame to me. Am I wrong? I hate how I'm taking the high road in all of this, and she's still trashing me.

Also, if she's worried about "coming clean" to me, it sounds like my assumption that it was a full blown PA is correct(all I lack is a picture of them in bed together as far as evidence goes). Thoughts?

I would like her to have the decency to tell me the truth whether we D or not. I just don't know how to get her to do that, especially since I don't speak with her right now. Thoughts on that?


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, if she's worried about "coming clean" to me, it sounds like my assumption that it was a full blown PA is correct(all I lack is a picture of them in bed together as far as evidence goes). Thoughts?
I believe it was a PA, and I am one who doesn't like to make assumptions or speculate, usually like to give the benefit of the doubt.

Very few of us ever have the "smoking gun" so to speak. All your evidence adds up to a PA. C'mon who goes to an Inn, rents a room, I assume, to talk?

I would like her to have the decency to tell me the truth whether we D or not. I just don't know how to get her to do that, especially since I don't speak with her right now. Thoughts on that?
Wow! If anyone of us here knew how to get people to speak the truth we would write a book and make millions/billions of dollars. In fact, we could probably rule the world if we knew how to get people to be honest. Sure, you would think your WW would be "decent" enough to give you the truth, but unfortunately, our WS's behaviour shows us they are anything but decent human beings.

eta: I would maybe go NC with BIL. Tell him until you have the truth from WW it is pointless of him to continue texting you. Unless he doesn't bother you. It would bother me.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:15 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9635 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't know everything, but you know enough.
My xww could not stand to even acknowledge that she was cheating. I never got any admission from my xww. That clinched for me that I was Done. I simply resolved to 1) assume the worst was true and 2) it wasn't my problem any longer.

She's still trying to play games with you. My response to BIL would "It's not my responsibility to make her feel "safe" about coming clean with me. If she cannot respect me enough to be honest with me because I earned the truth being a faithful husband then I'm Done." and just walk away.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, if she's worried about "coming clean" to me, it sounds like my assumption that it was a full blown PA is correct(all I lack is a picture of them in bed together as far as evidence goes). Thoughts?

No Question. But then again given your evidence there really is no question anyway.

Side note. I would not respond to BIL. He is fishing and putting himself in the middle of your marriage where he doesn't belong. He will end up collateral damage no matter how it goes down, good or bad.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Nov 2010
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my question to you is, what happens if she does come clean and confirm what you pretty much already know. A rendezvous at a hotel with two adults who flirt with each other on a constant basis likely did not end up with a simple hug and a kiss. But you know that.

Does the truth make a difference to you in terms of whether you want to R? If not, I wouldn't care what crap she wanted to spew or how long it took her to spew it. If so, then you have to figure out what other conditions you want to put on R and you have to clearly tel her those conditions. Is it IC? MC? Quitting her job if they work together?

I didn't R so I have no first hand experience. But, reading on this site for the past three years leads me to believe that R is damn hard and is impossible unless both parties are all in. If your WW is afraid or apprehensive to really communicate with the person she murdered on an emotional level and is immature enough to use your BIL as a middle man, I don't know that she's capable of doing the work that is really necessary to R, even if she finally tells the truth.

ETA: I'm in the same camp as Brandon - my exWH never admitted a thing even though it was obvious what was happening. He shifted all blame to me and left me here to pick up the pieces while he took the path of least resistance and went to the one who didn't expect any decency out of him. Of course the decent thing to do, if there is a potential for decency here, is to tell the truth and take whatever consequences come as a result of that. But, as we all know, people who willingly have affairs don't have a real decent mindset. Don't hold out or continue to keep a connection to her in hopes of getting the truth. It unfortunately doesn't work that way in so many of our cases.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 10:26 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2789 | Registered: Jan 2011
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here.

She's still in CYA mode.

Her whole, "assuming it's true" bit? Screaming alarm that her actions, whatever they may be, are quite wrong. And she dang well knows it.

She's giving herself away here. I mean, if she really did nothing wrong, why is she hiding and why is she fearful of "coming clean"? It's she's a good little innocent girl, there's nothing to confess. Your WW didn't think that one thru very well.

Your BIL is a pawn in her game. And he is in the middle. Exactly where he shouldn't be.

You have mountains of evidence before you. All you lack is the confession. Does it really make a difference? Thousands of people are sent to prison based on evidence alone. The jury doesn't have to see them actually commit the crime or hear a confession to the crime. The evidence alone damns them.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 10:49 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6220 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my question to you is, what happens if she does come clean and confirm what you pretty much already know.

I would try to R. My R list to her was: 1. Kick him out of your life 100%, 2. Apologize to me, family, and friends for lying, 3. Agree to go to MC. I have told her I'm not interested in R unless she does that. It will not be swept under the rug.

C'mon who goes to an Inn, rents a room, I assume, to talk?

She claims to have pulled over to take a nap (4 hour nap). I called the Inn two weeks after she was there, and they confirmed the OM was registered there that day. They provided is first and last name. I only gave them his last name.

She's still trying to play games with you.

That's what I think too.

I simply resolved to 1) assume the worst was true and 2) it wasn't my problem any longer.

I'm getting to that point, but I'm not quite there yet.

Side note. I would not respond to BIL. He is fishing and putting himself in the middle of your marriage where he doesn't belong. He will end up collateral damage no matter how it goes down, good or bad.

I agree, mostly. He is currently going through a D because he cheated for over 5 years with multiple women. All the time lying to everyone about. I don't mind talking with him. If anything, I know he understands the fallout and is encouraging my WW to tell the truth. In a weird way, he's sort of in my corner. I am very guarded about what I tell him though.

You all are probably right about the PA. I think it was, but there's still that nagging doubt in my mind that it wasn't though. Does that ever go away?

Truthfully, I don't want to think the worst of her if that's not the case. I am not OK, at all, with how she's treated me through all of this, and that's enough for me to walk away if it comes to that. I know I deserve better, but I don't want ANY regrets down the road.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's still in CYA mode.

^^^^^This x 1000.

And she going to "protect herself" right out of the M.

So the question, which I doubt she will answer, "Do you want to be right or do you want the M?"


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie -
Thanks for the response. I totally agree with you that she is in CYA mode, and that she hasn't thought it through very well.

I also totally agree that if she really didn't do anything wrong, then why would it hurt anything to come clean. If all her actions were on the "up and up", she would have never lied to me in the first place.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the question, which I doubt she will answer, "Do you want to be right or do you want the M?"

This. ^^^^^^


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5021 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...1000's of texts, 1000's of minutes on the phone, 30-40 trips to his house over the course of 4 months (that I have record of and there could be more), a confirmed afternoon rendezvous at an Inn, her admission that their conversations were flirtatious and sexual in nature, and all lies she told me to cover it up...

Look at this from the OM's perspective. He engaged in all of that for shits and giggles? And no sex? I'd stake the lives of MY kids on the truth regarding did they have sex or not. Seriously. WTF!?!?

Tell BIL not to contact you. He's being manipulated or he's helping your WW manipulate you.

You know the truth. Your WW had sex many, many times with her OW.

I'm sorry, but no other likelihood has any logic. Sex fits perfectly.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
foolishlycluless
♀ Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the truth make a difference to you in terms of whether you want to R?

This is an issue in my situation right now. We are attempting R, but my gut tells me that WH has not been completely truthful yet. My point is, right now my belief that he is not being honest is more of a problem than my belief that he had a PA. I just want his honesty. No matter how bad it is.


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she can't priortize your healing over her reputation, there's no chance for you to heal, her to heal or the marriage to heal. Truth is a prequisite to reconciliation.

1. Kick him out of your life 100%, 2. Apologize to me, family, and friends for lying, 3. Agree to go to MC.

Which, if any, of these has she done?


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ foolishlycluless -
I agree on the wanting honesty regardless of how bad the truth is. The truth is no worse than what I've imagined. In talking with others, and thinking to myself, the fact that she slept with someone else hurts, but it is not what will tear our marriage apart. The deception and dishonesty is what will tear our marriage apart.

@WarpSpeed - She's done none of it. She just feels sorry for herself and that's it.

I'm just really having a hard time understanding how telling me the truth would endanger her reputation. It seems to me that if I was worried that someone was going to be talking about me, I would want them to know the truth. Unless, I suppose, the truth made me look terrible.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's afraid of the consequences of her actions.

If she can't do any of the things in your short list, then you need to impose consequences. Ultimately, that could be D. It is likely worth your time to set up an appointment with a lawyer and get informed. Organize the financial aspects of your life. Prepare to move forward without her.

If she wakes up and decides to prioritize your healing over her shame, you can choose to dial back on the preparation. But, until she's willing to take real steps towards seeing if you guys can or should reconcile your marriage, you need to think about preparing for the alternative.

hang in there


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Topic Posts: 15

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