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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Who knows your spouse cheated?
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pastors and Elders of 2 churches(the one where both our family and their family attended & our new church, in the desire to make a clean start with openness and assistance for healing) My fWH called our parents, bosses and close friends, to get it out in the open and apologize, while asking forgiveness and help to stay on track with our M.(acountability). I have shared my situation with few people. Mostly because of the shame, but I also feel that may hinder closure and healing of the A damage.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents, brother, sister, his parents and brothers and their wives, his cousin and his wife and my 5 best friends. He is living with his mom so everyone found out. I honestly dont care he deserves to be shamed in my opinion. I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed about.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jan 2014
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents, brother, sister, his parents and brothers and their wives, his cousin and his wife and my 5 best friends. He is living with his mom so everyone found out. I honestly dont care he deserves to be shamed in my opinion. I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed about.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jan 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

INtially no one. I kept it to myself, of course my massive weight loss, and emotional distress eventually won out, and I gave up my horrible codependent ways.
I was sooo concerned that if I said something to someone, anyone he would leave. I was worried about doing anything at any time to mess it up. Then I realized that I deserved much more, and that I could tell who I wanted and needed to.

I would caution you though if you are working toward R that you cannot untell those you have told, and it can change the dynamic of some friendships.

I told a few family members, H's mom, and a couple of close friends, he told his best friend. That was about it.

Now I don't hesitate to tell people what we went through, and most of the time they are awe stricken that we went through that, and came out as good as we are. They want to know how. I tell anyone who is dealing with infidelity if it weren't for this site, I don't think we would have had the outcome we did.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8458 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told a married couple on the other coast the first full day after DDay, after FWH had lied to me about deleting all of his porno photos from his computer. I needed their support and as they were so far away, I figured they were the best people to reach out to. I also told FWH that every time he lied to me, I would tell another of our friends because he was SO shocked that I actually did it. I told my sister because I fell apart in front of her and literally had no choice. His older sister figured it out from things that he said about hurting me greatly when I fell apart at her house while we were settling his mother's estate. I do believe that his brother knows the bare bones as well. Of course, our MC and both ICs know.

I limited who I told because we made the early decision to try to R. I wanted to minimize the fallout if R happened. However, when we separated late in 2013, I told him that once legal separation papers were filed, I would be traveling up to tell my parents and I would not be responsible for his secrets any more. I definitely would have told Every Single One Of Our Friends/Family exactly why, in one sentence, we divorced. I figured it was not my secret to keep any more.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4798 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
totallyconfused1
♀ Member
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My co-worker and friend, who was married (and now divorced) to a serial cheater.

No one else. I once had a friend who's husband had a ONS. They R'd, and she told me the one regret that she had was telling so many friends and family at the beginning, when she was hurt and angry, as it was harder to R as everyone had their own opinions of what she should do, etc.

It's still new, and I don't know how it will turn out or who else I may tell as I go through this. One of my best friends who I usually talk to had an EA and ONS, so her opinion will be skewed as well.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 81 | Registered: Jan 2014
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EB,

I kept that dirty, disgusting secret with me and me only for almost 2 years. I probably did that for all the wrong reasons---embarrassment, vanity---you name it.

But after D-day #3, I told who I wanted, which was close family. I, like others, realized that I was hurting myself by *protecting* her, so I learned to change that mindset.

It is a strictly personal choice for you---there is no wrong answer if you choose to tell others, or keep it to yourself.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mom, dad, step mom, brother, both sisters, two best friends, five brothers in law, five sisters in law, our sons and a good number of her friends.

There's no shame in it for me. Now, I didn't even know about the A when she divorced me. Found out when we started to reconcile post divorce.

So, a load of people heard me talk about how I should have been a better husband when I was grieving the divorce. When we got back together, there was a bit of correcting of the record that needed to be done. We both could have done more to improve the marriage, but not knowing about the A, I obviously took blame for the divorce that wasn't mine.

We've been fortunate to have been supported by all parties. There were a few of her friends that were not friends of the marriage that got set aside, but the important people in our lives have supported us.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told 2 close GF and a girl at work who is going through the same thing and another friend at work who went through this and D a few years ago, as well as IC. I now wish I had only told the 2 girls at work and my IC. My 2 GF were horrible about it and can't understand why I have stayed. Oh well, hind sight!


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have to say I did tell all of my staff. I was an office manager for a pair of surgeons and everyone knew I was off of my game and I wanted them to know tht even though my personal life was a disaster that I could still do my job. But I also asked for patience and understanding.

They understood and wether they agreed with my plan of R or not they were supportive to me. Thank God because work was my sanctuary and brief time that IT wasn't obsessively overtaking alll my thoughts and concerns.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8458 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
HoneyMe
♀ Member
Member # 40613
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband moved out on Dday. He told our daughter on the way out the door. I had to tell our 2nd daughter at college. I sent a note to his siblings that that should call him on his cell phone because even though he didn't deserve it, he could use their love and support. His brothers and sisters-in-laws were a tremendous support to me and our daughters. His sister has never mentioned it to me nor offered any support. She loves to cry the pity party for herself and i have always supported her.
I told my two bosses and a couple of co-workers. They could tell something was terribly wrong. I told 4 best friends. Only one couldn't forgive him after we reconciled. I told my family but they don't talk about it. I had to tell them was dday was the week before Thanksgiving and we were going to visit. You need support. Even 2 years out it is comforting to have family support you both and your marriage. My fwh told 2 less than close friends. He told them more a a "don't do what I did" situation. He has never told his close friends. He had one friend that knew all along and helped pass messages along from the OW. This man came to our wedding. He is no longer a friend. Hugs. Now 2 MCs know too. Plus I am sure my friends and co-corkers may have let a few others too. I have gotten that pity look a few times. I told one other friend after we reconciled because she was on a similar situation that became very public and I wanted to support her and let her know she was not alone. I could have skipped the co-workers if they weren't so concerned about me.


3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Sep 2013
MercifulH
♂ New Member
Member # 42045
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept it under wraps for a while. But just yesterday I put it in a status on Facebook and made it available for everyone to see. All her friends and all my friends know. My entire family knows. Her entire family knows. I don't feel embarrassed or vulnerable with everyone knowing. I was mostly keeping it under wraps because she asked me to.


Me - BS 27
Her - WW 26 (Neveragain1221)
Started Dating 12/08/07
Married 04/03/12
D-day#1 05/02/12 Gaslighting, Rugsweeping
D-day#2 01/03/14 Confrontation about D-day#1, got confession
4 year EA and PA, TT, Affair began less than 1 year after we

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Minnesota
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me: best friend, therapist.
Her: both parents.
OM: allegedly nobody.


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have loved to keep this quiet, but I wasn't given that option. My kids knew before I did. That changed everything. GP's needed to know so they could support me and kids. My sister, a couple good friends, to start.... However, we are active in a small community within a larger city. Soon, it seemed like everyone knew. I was mortified. But I've accepted it.

Now I see some benefits of the public scrutiny. Many friends support our M and are trying to help us both navigate R. Both set of parents are hugely supportive. It's been a community effort to pull his head out of his derriere, but it paid off. A's don't thrive in the light of day.

I still hate everyone knowing my personal business, but hope someday I can help someone IRL because they will know I'm a survivor! Just yesterday, an acquaintance dealing with the family fallout of her sister's A approached me to say how much she admired how gracefully I have handled myself throughout this all. It helps to know people are pulling for you!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 672 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His mom and dad know and they cant hold water......His dad told his side and whenever I see them (there are like 20 siblings) they always embrace me and tell me whatever I need I can come to any of them directly and dont have to go through my WH. Infact, often times, they have a get together and I am there, but WH is not.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially I told my pastor, and 2 close friends. One had a WH and they R, it's been 10 years, she gave me some great advice.

After I found evidence of another OW, and the LTA/Rendezvous that involved WH spending lots of $$ I decided to D. I called my Mom, then I told all our fb friends (yes, I did post a status that stated we were getting D, and the reason was his 10+ years of cheating on me that he admitted to - no I did not spend any further time on fb bashing him). Now I tell everyone! People are much better equipped to help you if they know where you are.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
griefandrelief
♀ Member
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my parents and siblings, and I told WHs parents through email as they and his siblings live abroad. They needed to know that he left our 20 year marriage to go to someone he had been sleeping with for 2 years.
I posted on FB with generic info and have gotten lots of love and support. I have gotten love and support from HIS family, too. They aren't happy with him, and I like that. And my boss and other close friends know. I needed and deserved support.


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told 2 women at work, and later 4 other women at work so I assume that more know the way things get around. I had to speak to my supervisor at work because I needed a specific day off each week to attend therapy which was a regular work day for me. She knows the marriage was in crisis, but I didn't specifically tell her why. I'm usually a fairly private person at work, and probably wouldn't have said anything except for the fact that I had to work the evening of DDay and I was a wreck. If I hadn't have worked that day and had time to process what was happening I probably wouldn't have said anything. Although I kind of wish I hadn't have said anything there, I did find out that the same thing was going on with 2 of the women I told, and we were able to support each other.

My mom. I know she told my brother and his son, so I assume that their significant others know.

My best friend, who had been through this herself previously and divorced. I assume she told her new husband.

My WH told his 3 sisters and their spouses. (His parents are both deceased.) I don't know if their kids know. Some of our nieces and nephews are adults. I know that some of them know we were separated for a while, don't know if they know the real reason.

I, too, felt very ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated despite the fact that I didn't do anything wrong. Even so, I knew I needed support.


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone who reads the newspaper that contained the article about it, and anyone who gossips with anyone else who read it.

Aside from that, I have lived in 2 new places since then, where it would be easy to keep it a secret. However, anyone who becomes part of my inner circle, is told. I find it easier to be upfront about it rather than wait for someone to discover and think they have some top secret info, they can bandy about.

I find that secrets are more weight than I like to carry.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only one month in. I've told one close friend. Two family members know that we are "having problems." The WW has told two of her sisters and two friends. No parents know as of yet. It's just a matter of time, though...in my case everyone is going to know sooner or later. We're just trying to figure things out as much as possible before opening that can of worms with family.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 54
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