I would caution you though if you are working toward R that you cannot untell those you have told, and it can change the dynamic of some friendships.
I told a few family members, H's mom, and a couple of close friends, he told his best friend. That was about it.
Now I don't hesitate to tell people what we went through, and most of the time they are awe stricken that we went through that, and came out as good as we are. They want to know how. I tell anyone who is dealing with infidelity if it weren't for this site, I don't think we would have had the outcome we did.
I limited who I told because we made the early decision to try to R. I wanted to minimize the fallout if R happened. However, when we separated late in 2013, I told him that once legal separation papers were filed, I would be traveling up to tell my parents and I would not be responsible for his secrets any more. I definitely would have told Every Single One Of Our Friends/Family exactly why, in one sentence, we divorced. I figured it was not my secret to keep any more.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
No one else. I once had a friend who's husband had a ONS. They R'd, and she told me the one regret that she had was telling so many friends and family at the beginning, when she was hurt and angry, as it was harder to R as everyone had their own opinions of what she should do, etc.
It's still new, and I don't know how it will turn out or who else I may tell as I go through this. One of my best friends who I usually talk to had an EA and ONS, so her opinion will be skewed as well.
I kept that dirty, disgusting secret with me and me only for almost 2 years. I probably did that for all the wrong reasons---embarrassment, vanity---you name it.
But after D-day #3, I told who I wanted, which was close family. I, like others, realized that I was hurting myself by *protecting* her, so I learned to change that mindset.
It is a strictly personal choice for you---there is no wrong answer if you choose to tell others, or keep it to yourself.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
There's no shame in it for me. Now, I didn't even know about the A when she divorced me. Found out when we started to reconcile post divorce.
So, a load of people heard me talk about how I should have been a better husband when I was grieving the divorce. When we got back together, there was a bit of correcting of the record that needed to be done. We both could have done more to improve the marriage, but not knowing about the A, I obviously took blame for the divorce that wasn't mine.
We've been fortunate to have been supported by all parties. There were a few of her friends that were not friends of the marriage that got set aside, but the important people in our lives have supported us.
They understood and wether they agreed with my plan of R or not they were supportive to me. Thank God because work was my sanctuary and brief time that IT wasn't obsessively overtaking alll my thoughts and concerns.
Now I see some benefits of the public scrutiny. Many friends support our M and are trying to help us both navigate R. Both set of parents are hugely supportive. It's been a community effort to pull his head out of his derriere, but it paid off. A's don't thrive in the light of day.
I still hate everyone knowing my personal business, but hope someday I can help someone IRL because they will know I'm a survivor! Just yesterday, an acquaintance dealing with the family fallout of her sister's A approached me to say how much she admired how gracefully I have handled myself throughout this all. It helps to know people are pulling for you!
After I found evidence of another OW, and the LTA/Rendezvous that involved WH spending lots of $$ I decided to D. I called my Mom, then I told all our fb friends (yes, I did post a status that stated we were getting D, and the reason was his 10+ years of cheating on me that he admitted to - no I did not spend any further time on fb bashing him). Now I tell everyone! People are much better equipped to help you if they know where you are.
My mom. I know she told my brother and his son, so I assume that their significant others know.
My best friend, who had been through this herself previously and divorced. I assume she told her new husband.
My WH told his 3 sisters and their spouses. (His parents are both deceased.) I don't know if their kids know. Some of our nieces and nephews are adults. I know that some of them know we were separated for a while, don't know if they know the real reason.
I, too, felt very ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated despite the fact that I didn't do anything wrong. Even so, I knew I needed support.
Aside from that, I have lived in 2 new places since then, where it would be easy to keep it a secret. However, anyone who becomes part of my inner circle, is told. I find it easier to be upfront about it rather than wait for someone to discover and think they have some top secret info, they can bandy about.
I find that secrets are more weight than I like to carry.