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Newest Member: Greg (45364)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Who knows your spouse cheated?
LotusFlwr
♀ New Member
Member # 40485
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have only told one friend and then I forbade her to speak of it again because I knew she would just preach to me even though she knows I am an atheist. I haven't told any family. I have no doubt my mother would blame me. I just don't want to hear her judgemental crap. She blamed all of my brother's ex-wives for his affairs so I am positive on how she would react. I have thought about talking to my brother-in-law. My sister just left him for another man so I know he would get it but I have only met him a few times so I am not very comfortable with that. I feel very much alone in this since I have no one.

[This message edited by LotusFlwr at 3:14 PM, January 27th (Monday)]


Me: BS

Him:WS

Married: 13 years

Kids: 12 and 10


Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
chetristezza
♀ New Member
Member # 42233
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His parents. I've told no one. I have a dr appointment next week, so guess I'll be telling them. Not looking forward to that at all. I don't even know how to start and my friends have their own stresses.

I don't know how I'd even start. I was shocked I could post it here but it is almost like putting it in a journal. Just writing it down feels better. Sort of.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 25 days since dday and now my SIL, best friend and my mother know. I tried not telling anyone but it's hard because I felt I needed to talk about it so I didn't go insane!


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
huskers
♀ Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty much like PASS posted on here. All my family knows because I need their support. I have told no one in his family except his mom knows I kicked him out. She asked if it was another woman and I told her I couldn't tell her but that pretty much answered it.

My whole office knows because I had to ask for full time hours and I worked part time and it's very small. Most of my friends. My gyno because I got std testing. My son's teachers have a hint because he is having a very very rough time. As PASS said, pretty much the bartender,paper boy, etc. LOL The more people that know the more support I feel. When you are married 27 years people wonder and I just tell them I told him to live with his girlfriend.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
susan1989
♀ New Member
Member # 32640
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my WH's first A happened three years ago, I didn't tell anybody except my one lifelong friend who is a locked box. We went through MC and reconciled and for me it was the best way to heal.

When I found out about the second A last year, I didn't tell anybody because I wanted to R. But went the A continued for months and months, I realized I was helping him keep his dirty little secret and I was living in isolation. Once I started telling my family and close friends, it was like a huge burden was lifted. The support and encouragement has been wonderful, and my friends don't have to worry anymore that I was dying of cancer because of my inexplicable weight loss from stress.

Examine your motives: If you are telling for revenge or punishment, that's not a healthy reason. If you are telling to help your own recovery, then go for it. It's very freeing. Keep your chin up!


BS - me (44)
STBXWH (45)
M 20 years, three kids
D-Day June, 2011
D-Day #2 Sept, 2013
Separated after D-Day #3 Dec 2013
Divorcing 2014

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2011
RemainingWed
♀ New Member
Member # 40597
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've only told one friend, and that was because I thought I would need a place to stay. The reason I have chosen to keep quiet is twofold: One reason is because I can't handle the thought of my friends or family feeling sorry for me. The other reason is because seven months out I still cannot bear to say the words "He cheated on me" out loud.

But tomorrow is our first appointment with the MC, so I guess I'll have to add another to the list and say those words, no matter how hard or distasteful I find them.

[This message edited by RemainingWed at 10:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me - 45 (BS) PCOS/infertility/Co-dependent
Him - 32 (FWH) mid-life crisis/wants kids
Married 9 years, together for 14
No kids (a factor in the affair) :(

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: California
BrooklynLove
♀ Member
Member # 41800
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I expose his affair to all our family and close friend. His mom and dad were so mad at him. Everyone called and blamed him. If I didn't expose the affair would have never ended.


Will never be naive again...

BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (5 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on


Posts: 110 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: USA
alleyk
♀ Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my close friends and my father, and now that we're trying to R I sorta regret it. Some of my friends say they are supportive of my decision to stay, but I can sense they think I'm doing the wrong thing and being naive, and that my WH will hurt me again/do it again. My father (although I needed him for a shoulder to cry on) hates his guts, making everything more difficult. I feel like staying in my cave and not talking to anyone about anything. And the more torrid details I uncover, the less I want to talk to other people because I feel so embarrassed and dumb!!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
jimbo25319
♂ Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everybody. STBXWW is unrepentive, unremorseful, and ended up moving in with the OM. so, I held nothing back.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a very personal decision.

But just remember that secrets usually end up being toxic.


Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My best friend. Then she told her husband after I asked her not to tell anyone, actually he guessed it after she told him we were having problems. She asked him how he knew and he said "because he's the type that would." Then she told a coworker of hers I'm acquainted with who went through infidelity during her first marriage. It's awkward. I'm still good friends with her but have noticed we haven't been invited to their house since. She doesn't understand why I'm still in my marriage after such a long deception. There is somewhat of a stigma those who stay acquire from other women, something I didn't actually realize but know now.

As for his family. They've suspected all during that time and let me know this but I haven't confided in them. My side of the family, the few of them that are, haven't a clue.


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
movingbackwards
♀ Member
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, EB, I feel for you. I found out about 6 months into my marriage, and it had been going on since before we were married. Every time I'm asked "if marriage is what I expected" or "if it's true that the first year of marriage is the hardest", I'm always tempted to say, "Sure, but I imagine it'd be much easier with a faithful spouse....."

I initially told only my best friend. I wholeheartedly planned on R and I assumed my family and others would pressure me to leave him. I eventually told my mom and sister, and their responses surprised me. They have been incredibly supportive of me, and I wish I had told them sooner.

I have begged and begged WH to tell his family. I think it's been very obvious that something has been going on with us, and I hate that they have no idea it's his fault. I also think they'd be very helpful in bringing him to a real place of remorse. He has refused to tell them, but my best friend has encouraged me to just bite the bullet and tell them myself.

WH has been unhappy with me for telling people for fear of what they'll think of him, but I have no empathy for him on that regard. If he didn't want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn't have been an asshole.


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
alleyk
♀ Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been unhappy with me for telling people for fear of what they'll think of him, but I have no empathy for him on that regard. If he didn't want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn't have been an asshole.

YES!!!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!!


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told one friend - she's been through the same thing and so I knew she wouldn't judge. She told her husband and one other friend of hers.

So whoever you tell, they will probably pass it on.

I feel bad sometimes not telling other people who I am close to but justify it to myself by thinking it my business and that I have changed my thinking/feeling so much it would be traumatic to have to keep them up to date. I have enough trouble organising my own feelings.

WBF has told 2 people, but he says not much detail because its not something he's proud of.

I'm glad that I haven't told everyone. As we move through it and things get better it seems more Ok to talk about it - but not yet. I would get the "why didn't you tell me!?" question anyway.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 54
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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