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User Topic: I'm tired of being the secret keeper
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have a close relationship with my dad; never understood exactly "why" until during my IC (after D-day) my counselor pointed out how my emotional wellbeing was abandoned so many years ago.

Wow!!!! TheRealDeal just described what IC did for me as well!!!! Even the 30 year time period is MY time long this abandonment fear lay hidden....and yet influenced me.

Not a t/j.....

This revelation did NOT hurt my relationship with my enhanced it. Did not improve it yet, but did not hurt it either. I now have a bigger view if it.

purplejacket4....I think it highly likely you have some similar influences at work in you.....could explain why you became the secret holder....became a person so willing to carry other peoples burdens. I think this because I "own" many things that are not mine to own too. IC helped me understand this is common when parents experience trauma during that child's formative years (8-17). When this happens parents are so consumed with their own trials and pain that they "abandon" the critical task if tending to the needs of their child.

The child can't process this feeling so they learn to cope with it.....many times minimizing their needs and tending to the needs of others .... Don't do either very well....but it does result in attention from their parent. Not affection in a healthy sense , just okay substitute because that child has no real point of reference. That becomes a coping mech . As that child ages they repeat the pattern.....minimizing their needs while taking on the needs (perceived or real) if others. They enjoy it because they appear to be a very caring and compassionate person, and they are.....but they still crave true healthy affection, healthy intimacy. But the FOO issues blind them to this healthy need within them.....FOO influences that child to repeat the coping mech again and again....with more an attempt to satisfy this need that can never be satisfied via these coping.

Lots of transferring going on here .....I was only "overloaded" to the point of realizing this when my wife chose adultery.....and even then it took me 2 months of struggling (weekly IC) to finally put together the above "truth for me".

God help us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3987 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why don't you send your dad an anonymous letter if you're afraid that your parents will "kill the messenger"? At least he'll have been given the information; then, what he chooses to do with it is up to him.

I don't think you should be keeping the secret, but I get why you might not want a face-to-face confrontation. Your mother should have been the one to tell your dad that bit of TT long ago.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pj, I'm sorry you're in this position too, if you need help telling your dad, whether it be anonymously or not, I'm here for you. Your dad deserves the truth though, at least that much is clear for both of you.

I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Wow what a crappy place to put your kid. Your mom must be some sort of narcissist. That is wrong on so many levels. I would have to say the only resolution for this is to blow this thin wide open and out of the water. Your mom owes your father the truth. I would be tempted to force her hand to tell the truth or to never speak to me again.

I'm sorry for your situation. It is a crappy one for sure.

(((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still the secret keeper because I'm afraid what would happen if I gave up the name.

this is actually one of the reasons I stayed 300 miles away from home and never visit there anymore.

Considering that this situation is still ongoing, I really think that you should bite the bullet and tell your dad. This secret (and the continued relationship with your mother) is standing in the way of you having any type of authentic relationship with your dad.....and that is so unfair to BOTH of you. He is being gaslit to high heaven -- you are acting in ways that he truly doesn't understand. If he knew the truth about what was going on, at least he would have an understanding of why you have freaked out or are freaking out over certain things. As it stands right now, you are falling on your sword and allowing him to think you're some kind of nutcase so that you can *protect* everyone.

Not.Your.Job, PJ.
Please don't sacrifice yourself and the relationship that you *could have had* with your father......because of your batshit-crazy bitch mom.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:15 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8081 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have little advice, only hugs. No idea what I would do in such a situation.

You are such a loving and generous soul. Too bad your parents cannot be recipients of that through their own actions.

I think you should do what you do best, use your gifts to heal your part of the world and detach from toxic people as best you can.

Holding you in the ******LIGHT******

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 11:34 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3660 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, pj44. What a shitty position your mom put you in but, its now your choice as an adult, to stay in that position or step out of it. I just keep thinking how your dad is going to feel knowing he was the last to know. Or maybe he does know? Maybe give your mom a couple of days to shed the light or if she doesn't, then you can. This whole sich just stinks. Sending peace and clarity pj44.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5133 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. No one is benefitting from you keeping this secret except mom and OM.

It is not your burden to carry.

Tell your dad. He is a grown up. He can handle it. He will deal with it as he wants to.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pj))) How your mother could do this to you, I will never understand. Living with that for so long must have been/continue to be a horrible burden.

Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6621 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for everyone's advice and support.

Interestingly enough way before I knew who the MM was my dad told me he didn't ever want to be told who the AP was. Sigh. That complicates it even more because he truly says he doesn't want to know. However, I also think he thinks the AP was a guy my mom worked with in a bank and no one he knew personally.

Also complicating things is the MM' BS is terminally ill and pleasantly demented. I know you guys mostly will disagree with this but I just can't see doing anything that would disrupt her life. She is one of the sweetest women (was an elementary school teacher in my home town) ever who so never deserved that rat bastard.

Thanks for the hugs!

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2242 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Topic Posts: 30
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