Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Hopeful96 (45455)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Again. Again. And again.
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a decent day yesterday, I again see the consequences of my lies and deception. BW comes into the room late last night and asks me what is really going on. I tell her I don't know what she is talking about. She reads a phone number off of my phone bill and asked who the number belonged to and hy they made a number of phone calls to me. After reviewing the number and determining who the number belonged to, (not another woman or anyone I acted out with) she is upset and tells me she can't trust me and she doesn't know what I do.

Years of trickle truth on my part and dozens of DDays later, we are replaying the same scene over and over again with me lying, causing serious emotional pain and damage, and false R after R. My heart breaks and is hurting. Seeing my beautiful wife in pain, and knowing that I caused it, repeatedly, I want to hug her, kiss her, and tell her I love her and that everything will be okay.

I am in the process of setting up monitoring software on my electronic devices (I should have done this from day 1 and I am kicking myself now), setting up a camera on the house to keep me honest and act as a deterrent so that I don't bring prostitutes into our home, in the presence of our child, and writing a disclosure with all the details filled in so that my BW doesn't have to fill it in herself.

WS, what did it take for you to prove to our WS that things are different? Do you have any advice?

BS, did you suspect your WS was still hiding something and have that feeling turn out to be wrong? How did you come to terms with it?


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I suspect my WH is still hiding things. I don't know if I am wrong or not. I was right about a few things so I guess it fueled my feelings that I am right to be suspicious of other things. I haven't been able to come to terms with it but reminding myself that it is out of my control and the truth will usually surface helps calm me down.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For myself, as a BS, I have not come to a point where I don't think my husband isn't hiding something - whether it be current or past. The information that I know now was so well covered and the lies were conveyed so convincingly, I cannot forsee a time that I will fully believe he's not hiding something or have moments that I think he's back up to something.

However, and it took a long time to get here, I trust my gut and that the truth always comes out and if something else comes out, I can accept that it has nothing to do with me and move on.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double Post

[This message edited by KickedintheGut at 2:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in IC? That's the biggest suggestion I can make. Because this

setting up a camera on the house to keep me honest and act as a deterrent so that I don't bring prostitutes into our home, in the presence of our child,

um, Dude? Gently, do you not see anything wrong with that situation? You have to put a camera in the house to act as a deterrent to bringing prostitutes into your home in your child's presence? Have you considered that you might be SA? If you are not in IC, please find one (I'd suggest a CSAT) and begin the work of making yourself a safe partner.

After our final dday (which was almost 6 months after our "True" R began) my H sat with his head in his hands in front of our MC. My H said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to hurt my wife, but it's all I seem to do. I don't want to lie to her but I keep lying." Our MC said "There is nothing wrong with you except that you are a selfish jerk who does whatever you feel like doing at any given time. If you want to stop lying, then TELL THE TRUTH. If you want to stop hurting your wife, STOP HURTING HER. Stop doing things which are guaranteed to cause her pain."

It really was that simple. What I can tell you is that in September 2011 when our false R blew up and I received lie after lie after lie, there was NOTHING he could say to prove things were different. I had to see actions. Changes. He dug into IC and gave his IC (also our MC) permission to discuss anything with me. He went to AA meetings and stopped drinking. (as it turns out, he is not an alcoholic but his drinking is a HUGE trigger for me) Then, after the broken NC, he truly began to change at the deepest levels. He would come to me and correct himself if he lied, making amends right then. He was proactive in being transparent, rather than waiting for me. He has told me the truth, even when it hurt, even when he was scared shitless of the consequences.

He believes me now when I tell him that I will always find out the truth and that it is a million times better when it comes from him.

And to answer your last question, there has never been a time that I felt he was hiding something and it turned out to be wrong. I've always known. It may take me a while to get the truth, but I have always been right.

I wish you the best, man. You SOUND sincere, but as we all know, that's the easy part. I truly hope you are up for the work that's gonna be required.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2816 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
CRazz
♂ New Member
Member # 31621
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AOW,

Recovery is a long process. Rebuilding the trust is important and takes work. Giving up passwords, letting my wife read e-mails, texts and inquire as to where I am all helped. Additionally being as honest and possible and answering all of her questions also helped. It sometimes feels like the questions are unfair and keep coming out of the blue, but until our BS's feel like they have the whole story, don't have any more questions, then the trust can start over. Even little things like calling when you say you would, or even volunteering to her when you screw up( I know this sounds counter productive, but it helps! it is really hard to do, but it shows you have humility and can be honest with her even when you're in trouble(I had a lot issues with this)).

I am by no means done working towards R, or that great at it, but my wife sees my progress and slowly we've rebuilt trust.

Hopefully this helps.


Me(32): FWH
Jrazz(34): BS
DDay: Dec 17, 2010
Gorgeous, amazing DD3.5
R. Small steps forward is still progress!

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS, did you suspect your WS was still hiding something and have that feeling turn out to be wrong? How did you come to terms with it?

Deep in my gut, I knew, just knew. It was a slow, painful torture, until I got what I THINK is the full truth. But that is just the problem with repeated ddays and TT.....it has left me unable to really know for sure. I am still coming to terms with this reality. Every day, I wake up and make the choice to give this marriage just one more day, and I put my trust in THIS day, not the next. It's not the best way to live, but it is where I am at this very moment in time. His actions are helping me along the way, because his words (in the past) have meant nothing.

I wish you the best.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 965 | Registered: Aug 2011
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

setting up a camera on the house to keep me honest and act as a deterrent so that I don't bring prostitutes into our home, in the presence of our child,


This jumped out to me right away. You need a security system to not see prostitutes?

My best advice is to get into IC.


WS, what did it take for you to prove to our WS that things are different?

By living differently. Doing a lot of hard work to change myself. I mean A LOT.

I responded to your other thread and I'm not going to repeat it here, but I did and am still doing work to live an authentic life.

Most importantly I'm doing it for me.
I'd be doing it even if we weren't in R.
I want to change.


Years of trickle truth on my part and dozens of DDays later, we are replaying the same scene over and over again with me lying, causing serious emotional pain and damage, and false R after R. My heart breaks and is hurting. Seeing my beautiful wife in pain, and knowing that I caused it, repeatedly,

It's going to take a while to heal.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your experiences and for being candid. I really appreciate the comments.

HFSSC,

Are you in IC? That's the biggest suggestion I can make. Because this

setting up a camera on the house to keep me honest and act as a deterrent so that I don't bring prostitutes into our home, in the presence of our child,
um, Dude? Gently, do you not see anything wrong with that situation? You have to put a camera in the house to act as a deterrent to bringing prostitutes into your home in your child's presence? Have you considered that you might be SA? If you are not in IC, please find one (I'd suggest a CSAT) and begin the work of making yourself a safe partner.

Just want to clarify. The last time I used prostitutes was in 2008 and that was also the last year I brought one into our home. I adamantly denied to my BW that I brought prostitutes to our home over the last 5 years and it wasn't until this last week that I TT'd and disclosed the fact that I had indeed brought prostitutes home. My BW does not believe that I stopped seeing prostitutes and she is concerned that I would endanger our son by committing this act again, hence the camera.

I am an acknowledged SA and I've had a number of IC and I am in the process of finding another one. Long story short, my lying and deceiving damaged my own chances of success in IC.

CRazz,

Hey AOW,
Recovery is a long process. Rebuilding the trust is important and takes work. Giving up passwords, letting my wife read e-mails, texts and inquire as to where I am all helped. Additionally being as honest and possible and answering all of her questions also helped. It sometimes feels like the questions are unfair and keep coming out of the blue, but until our BS's feel like they have the whole story, don't have any more questions, then the trust can start over. Even little things like calling when you say you would, or even volunteering to her when you screw up( I know this sounds counter productive, but it helps! it is really hard to do, but it shows you have humility and can be honest with her even when you're in trouble(I had a lot issues with this)).

I am by no means done working towards R, or that great at it, but my wife sees my progress and slowly we've rebuilt trust.

Hopefully this helps.

Your post gives me hope. I echo your sentiment regarding the questions that come out of the blue, but I understand the reasons they come up.

broevil,

By living differently. Doing a lot of hard work to change myself. I mean A LOT.

I responded to your other thread and I'm not going to repeat it here, but I did and am still doing work to live an authentic life.

Most importantly I'm doing it for me.
I'd be doing it even if we weren't in R.
I want to change.

Roger on the advice you posted on my other thread. I want to change as well and I hope that I am able to make it.

Thanks again, everyone.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS, did you suspect your WS was still hiding something and have that feeling turn out to be wrong? How did you come to terms with it?
My gut has NEVER been wrong. It is strange, but when I feel he is hiding something, I can't stop looking until I find it, and I always do. I know, deep inside, when something is wrong.

what did it take for you to prove to our WS that things are different? Do you have any advice?
You asked this of the WS's but I can tell you what makes me stay with my guy and why I feel we have a good chance. Even though he lied and lied at first, he finally came clean and stopped. He thinks before he answers anything I ask so he can be sure to remind himself to be truthful. And he is doing this in all facets of his life now, and I have been paying attention. He quit lying to his family and to others. No more little white lies. They are like beer to an alcoholic for people that lie pathologically.

He came to me with suggestions on what he can do to help me feel safe again. He came up with the idea himself of telling the women he works with that he will not have anything but business conversations with them, and then when one talks to him, he tells me or texts me immediately. He came to me with the decision to cut his best friend out of his life as he was helping my WS lie and deceive about one of his AP's. If I ask him something and he is not 100% sure of the answer, he will ask me to give him time to think about it and then think it thru and come back with the answer.

He now discusses not just what happens in his life but also his thought processes (which is what led him down the slippery slope in the first place.)

Let me tell you, the thought processes are not always pretty, but they are honest. I value the honesty and the trust he shows me in sharing his most intimate and sometimes hurtful thoughts. Sometimes the things he shares truly do hurt me, but we talk things thru.

We are also reading "Not Just Friends" together and we discuss a lot. It is taking forever to get thru this book because almost every paragraph brings up something one of us has a comment on, and sometimes we only get a sentence or two into it and it opens up a whole new discussion for us.

So I am starting to trust him again (slowly and it is sporadic, I still need to check his phone and his passwords from time to time.) But I can see if he continues down this path and I am patient, we will have the type of relationship that I've always wanted and it will be stronger and deeper than what we had before.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15300 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to clarify. The last time I used prostitutes was in 2008 and that was also the last year I brought one into our home. I adamantly denied to my BW that I brought prostitutes to our home over the last 5 years and it wasn't until this last week that I TT'd and disclosed the fact that I had indeed brought prostitutes home. My BW does not believe that I stopped seeing prostitutes and she is concerned that I would endanger our son by committing this act again, hence the camera.

Thanks for clarifying that. So the camera would be there to provide verification of your not having prostitutes in your home, rather than acting as a "deterrent." I encourage you to search your heart and make sure which answer is true. Because it's not just semantics or words. There's a HUGE difference between "I'm acting with integrity in this area and have nothing to hide so I'll be glad to have a camera if that reassures you" and "I don't know if I can be honest or faithful, but maybe if there's a camera on me I can manage to toe the line."


I've had a number of IC and I am in the process of finding another one. Long story short, my lying and deceiving damaged my own chances of success in IC.

Yeah, that was a problem here, as well.

I'm a recovering liar. Recovering addict. So I understand how hard it can be to change that. But it can be done. Tell. The. Truth. When you are asked a question, don't answer immediately. Choose to tell the truth. When you catch yourself lying, make it right. Right then. Don't wait to be caught. The first few times you have to look someone in the eye and say, "I don't know why I just said that. The truth is XYZ. Please forgive me," you find out that it is MUCH easier to tell the truth.

I'll say again that getting into IC is probably the most important thing you can do. Followed closely by doing whatever it takes to be completely transparent with your W.

I wish you well.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2816 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it wasn't until this last week that I TT'd and disclosed the fact that I had indeed brought prostitutes home.

So regardless of when the last affair occurred, you are just a week out of DDay. Make damn well sure that you get it all out. All of it. You have an opportunity here; don't hold on to anything out of fear.

One thing I did, which I have no idea if it helped BS or not, is I wrote down every lie that I could remember telling her. Ever. What that did do was help me get to a place to start digging. I'm still digging.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 12

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.