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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help!!!! I need to hear some success stories.
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4 months from DDay. Things are going pretty well. I believe he has had NC. he does everything he can to make me feel better, watches like a hawk for signs of triggers. He has answered any and every question I asked about the affair, no matter how bad. I had a little bit of TT recently but not about the OW, about some lies he told earlier in our marriage that don't relate to infidelity. he said he just wanted there to be no secrets between us, and he feels like he lies alot to people for no real reason, just to make himself look better (really, he doesn't need to.)because of a lack of self esteem. We are in MC and him in IC(his idea) but says he hasn't been honest with the IC about these issues. Emailed both counselors yesterday to give them a heads up before our sessions tomorrow.
But now I'm FREAKED OUT!! The more I read on here, the more I see "DDay# 3", "Dday #4" TT for 2 years, "OW #5", "OM#3", and dozens and dozens of false R! Can I really believe that he is honest about what's going on now? Should I still be waiting for more? Is ANYONE EVER honest about this?!
PLEASE PLEASE someone tell me if you WS got it from the beginning, didn't break NC, really truly wanted to work on your marriage and themselves, only ONE DDAY, no more APs, no more lying. If you have a success story like this, I'd sure like to hear it. right now, things seem great (Well, comparatively, you know what I mean)but after reading all these posts, I'm starting to believe I shouldn't trust him no MATTER WHAT he does. Is it possible for a WS to have an affair, get caught, be done, be honest, and NOT do anything further?!!! HELP!!


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are positive R stories at the top of the R forum.


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=439392


No one can tell you whether you will have another dday, or TT. That is up to your WH. He is moving in the right direction.

Cheaters usually lie on dday, and after dday. They do it to "protect" the BS..but it's usually to protect themselves. Not ALL do this though.

At four months out, it's ok to give him a little trust. Just keep your eyes open and watch his actions. Trust but verify.

My WH took 2.5 years to get it. He was remorseful, but so filled with shame he refused to talk about it. One day I showed him a post here by a FWH. Something inside him clicked. From that moment on, he was a different man. If you have a truly remorseful WH, you will know it. The difference is night and day. I was one who said I would never forgive...and I was stuck in the rage phase for two years(kinda had something to do with his refusal to talk about it.. )..but once he "got it," everything changed. I consider us very happily R'd. There was no broken contact, a little TT, and a whopper of a lie that he told me at 2 years out(long,long story), but we have made it to the other side. I am loved. I am safe. And I have forgiven him.

It's wonderful that things are going to well for you right now. There are a lot of painful stories here on SI...but there are many great love stories here, of people who have survived this bullshit..there is no reason your marriage can't be one of the good stories.

ETA: I added the link to the positive stories.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:27 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7668 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 18 months out. I post about multiple OW (5 to be exact), but they were all overlapping in the same stretch of time. Since dday, nothing. Not a stray thought, word, action. He came clean up front. He has helped me in every way possible. We are in a fabulous place. I remember when I first came on SI, and for a few months after, feeling so scared and discouraged at all the multiple ddays that happened months and even years apart. I was so afraid that I was just hiding from what my truth would be. That I was destined for more ddays because everyone else seemed to have them. So far, that hasn't been my experience. And each day I feel more confident that it won't be. Not because I have the power to keep him from straying again, but because he does and he's taking that very seriously and doing all the work that creating and enforcing strict boundaries requires. Not everyone's story is the same and you know your H and marriage better than any of us. Breathe and watch his actions. It is possible.

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Childoftheking
♀ New Member
Member # 41234
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure I can really say I'm a positive story just yet, but I can say that things are wonderful between my husband and I right now. I'm only 3 months out from Dday, but I think a lot of things have helped us heal the way we have so far on our journey...my husband's affair was short and while deployed (certainly doesn't make it better by any means, but it would have been much harder for me to personally forgive if we had been under the same house and I was being lied to on a daily basis), he came home and confessed himself, he told the whole truth right away, and has been nothing but incredibly remorseful. Had any of these things not been the case, I'm not sure where we'd be today.

When I first started reading on this site, I too, was terrified to see all the DDAY #2, #3 and so on. I've realized something though...you can't compare your experience to someone else's. Personally, I've realized something else that has helped me with trust...I refuse to spend my life paranoid about whether my husband will or will not cheat again. That's no way to live. I choose to trust him as long as he deserves my trust. If he chooses to cheat again, I hope I will have to courage to pack up and leave because then I will know that he didn't learn anything from his horrible mistake and I deserve better!I know this has been argued on this site, but I do not believe for one second the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". There will always be those kind of people, but I think it depends on a LOT of factors. I absolutely believe that good people can just make horrible mistakes, learn from them, and NOT make the same mistake again.

I will never in a million years be thankful that my husband chose to hurt me so badly, but I can honestly say that I'm starting to see the good that has come from our situation. If we didn't go through a period of feeling what it would feel like to lose each other, maybe we wouldn't appreciate each other so much, maybe we wouldn't love each other as deeply as we do now, maybe we always would have been "lazy" in how we love each other. When my husband says he wants to spend the rest of his life making me happy, I truly believe him. I'm not sure when I will feel completely "safe" in our relationship, but I've come to realize that loving someone so much is never really truly "safe". There is always a chance you will be hurt because you are loving an imperfect human capable of screwing up.

Good luck on your journey to R. Try not to compare your situation to others.


ME: 30, WH: 30, Married: 12 years, 4 amazing kids
DD: Oct 2, 2013- 2 month EA/PA while deployed.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shayna

Welcome to SI.

I understand the overwhelming feeling when coming here initially. It is a lot to take in.

My husband and I are 6 1/2 years from dday. A little over 6 years since we decided to jump into R.

He was foggy in the first few months after dday. Really struggled, but we had some serious issues on top of the A.

Since the decision he has done everything right. Transparent, NC, open book. Handled all my triggers, took my anger. Was full of shame, remorse, pain ....everything.

It made R easier to handle, but still took a long time for me to consider us totally R'd.

And we are. Our marriage is happy, I am happy. I don't worry about him, the A is our past.

I don't hide from it or forget it happened. It's a chapter in our book but it isn't our entire story.

I can't say what your husband will do. Nobody can. All you can do is heal you, take care of you and nurture your spirit. He needs to heal himself.

Time will give you answers about your situation and only time. Watch and continue to trust the actions, not the words.

Consistent, loving actions over time.

Keep your healing in focus. Whether you and your H continue through R or go another route is yet to be seen. BUT if you are healthy and aware the choices you make will be based on what is best for you and your family, not a knee-jerk reaction to an A or it's aftermath.

Stick around, you will find amazing support here.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
burntandtorn
♂ New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's some more inspiration for you, I bookmark them so I can see them when I need a little encouragement.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=516732

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=515392

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=513981

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=518331

[This message edited by burntandtorn at 3:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
Childoftheking
♀ New Member
Member # 41234
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love what you said Karma..."it's a chapter in our book but isn't our entire story" LOVE this! My husband and I were happy before the affair...genuinely happy, and I believe we can be even happier after. He chose to leave me our marriage for 2 months, but all our happy times aren't discounted because of that 2 month period. They were real.


ME: 30, WH: 30, Married: 12 years, 4 amazing kids
DD: Oct 2, 2013- 2 month EA/PA while deployed.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have two ddays but there was no contact between him and any APs in that time. It took him six weeks to gather the courage to give me full disclosure. It was awful but I can feel the difference, there was still a wall between us. I needed to have all the facts before we could truly begin to heal.
It sounds as if you have all the facts. Look at his actions when you need to be reassured.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Shayna)))

Success story? The founders of this amazing site are an excellent example. The love, respect, and unity that DS & MH have is inspiring.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 35758 | Registered: Mar 2011
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. It made me scared to feel like things were going so well - like I should still be waiting for something more - but I realize I have to be grateful for, and enjoy, the good that I do have. Jo2love, I can't seem to find the story about the couple who created this site. I didn't even know that was how this came about. Where can I get that info?


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have hit just about every bump in the road that you mentioned except for another A. That doesn't make our story any less of a success. I can't think of any ones story that was perfect from day one. Change is not like a light switch. Each setback is a new opportunity for growth.

At just over 2 years out, our relationship is stronger, healthier and more intimate than it has ever been. It has been a journey of progress not perfection.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think karmahappens advice is spot on; especially this...
Time will give you answers about your situation and only time. Watch and continue to trust the actions, not the words.

PLEASE PLEASE someone tell me if you WS got it from the beginning,

For the most part, I think my FWW got it near the beginning.

didn't break NC,

She broke NC once and that was just a few days after D-day. She has been NC since.

really truly wanted to work on your marriage and themselves,

She was already suffering from clinical depression when D-day hit and was already working on herself with an IC. I wanted her to continue working on herself and I did much of the work on the marriage. To me, it did feel like we were working together as a team towards a common goal.

only ONE DDAY, no more APs, no more lying.

For the most part, but there were a few weeks of TT.

We are now 6.5 years out and I consider us happily reconciled.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:41 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HardenMyHeart, I needed that!


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 13

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