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User Topic: It happened - moving on, but..long
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There will be times when you think you are fully healed from trauma, then something happens and you realize you aren't as far along as you thought.

This happened to me.

I knew, deep down, that this was the case - I just didn't (and still don't) wanna do anything about it. I don't even like talking about it. I don't want people's pity and I don't really see the value in revisiting the past. In fact, I sometimes get annoyed when I find I have to share my story. I'm getting irked now, but I'm looking at the bigger picture and realize this is something I just have to do if I want to TRULY close this chapter of my life.

As most of you know, I'm a DV survivor. I suffered physical, verbal, emotional, and mental abuse for 4 years at the hands of my xH. DS 18 was, for years, my SOLE reason for living. I could not leave him with xH. xH was so incredibly fucked up in the head that he would've killed DS. We left xH when DS was almost 3.

In 2007, I found out that xH had been killed. The story is pretty gruesome - he was hit by a train. They found his body in 3 parts and he could only be identified by a tattoo on his stomach. The tattoo was DS's nickname. I was in shock but was not upset. I did not cry. I actually felt nothing but relief - relief in that xH was no longer suffering; relief that nobody else would suffer because of him. I told DS - he cried and was upset for a couple of days. He then moved on. I took xH's death as a sign that that particular chapter of our lives was over.

Except it wasn't - at least not for me. DS & I have had a number of convos about xH and as DS has gotten older, the convos are more detailed. He remembers the abuse but some things are a bit foggy to him. Fast forward to last night - another convo with DS about xH. He asked pointed questions and I gave him candid answers. I mean, I GOT THIS! Right.

No, I don't.

The truth is this - bringing up that shit had me all kinds of fucked up in my head. I was revisiting crime scenes I wanted to forget. I was summarizing stories I wished never happened. And it was pure agony. DS & I cried. I kept crying long after the convo was over. DS made numerous comments about my strength. I waved them off with a "there are many women out there with my story. I'm not special" comment, or something along those lines. I have a habit of dismissing those kinds of compliments. Yeah, I survived but I don't see myself as particularly strong BECAUSE I survived. There are women out there who are much stronger than me and have endured far worse than what I endured. Like I said, not special, not unique. I don't say this as a way to get responses contradicting my statement (anybody who knows me on SI knows this is true). I say this because I TRULY believe it.

So, here I am, posting about something I really dislike discussing. My mentality is "It happened. Yeah, and? I can't undo it. I can't go back and stop it. It was what it was. Moving on". Except emotionally, I have not moved on. Not at all. I stuffed this shit waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down with the hope that if I ignored it long enough, it will go away. Pft - I should know better. I mean, I DO know better.

But, I still don't wanna deal with this shit. I don't like the way I feel when I'm faced with it. I feel stupid. Oh so stupid. One of my besties suggested I get back in IC to deal with it. I might.

I don't know what I'm looking for - but I know a 2x4 isn't necessary. My head isn't up my ass, at all. I guess I just needed to get this out.



FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5843 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2x4 here. Just (((mj)))

I don't know if you saw my post in General last week about the stuff I went through that didn't destroy me. I don't have the same story as you but I do have a lot of violence, abuse and unimaginable betrayals in my past. JM also had some severe trauma that was controlling him even as he insisted that it was "over" and "in the past" and "nothing to do with me today." (Any of that sound familiar?)

I firmly believe that I was not given the full extent of the truth of my story until I was ready to process it. And it didn't happen all at once. Nor did it happen in a nice linear pattern. So, for whatever reason, you've been given the gift of truth at this point in your life. Maybe because now you are strong enough and possess the tools to process it and heal. Two years ago this weekend, JM and I went back to the scene of his trauma. We retraced his steps the night of the incident. It was very healing. But I'm glad he had a few months of ic before that.

I hope that your way forward will be very clear and that you will move through to peace.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2705 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm all kinds of proud of you, MJ.

I can't take compliments, or even positive observations... but I found a trick for letting them sink in when they come from SI.

I'm officially giving you a staff order* to sit on your hands and read what I'm writing. (*Guides have no such powers. )


You are strong.

You are brave.

You are a GOOD person. We do dumb things in our life - all of us. The people who atone and grow are the GOOD ones.


I don't want you to respond. I just want you to read those three lines over and over and know that there's no backsies here.

I'm so sorry you had to take a trip back to this time. Opening up and being honest with you son like this is so very admirable. You are worthy of love and support as you re-process all of this.


((((((((MissesJai)))))))))))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 8:02 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16968 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a strong lady. I admire you.

I'm glad you were able to be open with your son.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
WakingFromADream
♂ Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did and still bear the scars.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can hardly imagine how difficult talking to your DS about all that trauma you endured in the past was for you, but good on you for being able to answer and talk to your DS honestly and openly.

You are one of the people I admire tremendously here at SI. I never knew about your background. By admiration for you has leapt to "more".

Take care of yourself, MJ, be kind and gentle with yourself. Accept kindness and compliments. Your bestie is wise. IC to "unstuff" yourself sounds like a good plan. It might only take a few sessions for you to work this out. You are the farthest thing from stupid, but I feel I know what you mean. (((((((MissesJai))))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9533 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to every single aspect of your story. My XH's body was recently found - well, the skeletal remains, anyway. It was almost ironic that I saw the initial story on the news - before identification - and thought, "how terrible for that family". It's opened up a lot of old wounds and a plethora of emotions even though we've been divorced for 15 years. No matter how well I seem to be doing and how much I think I have moved past this, there are times and triggers that make me feel like I am still right there in it. I'm starting to believe that this stuff never really gets...resolved - not even with death and the relief that it brings.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, honey. At least that's my plan. Somewhere along the way I decided that I had already been beat up on enough and I'd be damned if *I* was going to do it to me, too. Experiences like these change you on a fundamental level and affect every single aspect of your life. You don't just move beyond it. It's a part of you...it has shaped you. It's part of your story...and every single line has meaning and significance. I'm finding some resolution now by accepting - even embracing - that instead of trying so bloody hard to not let it define me. Sometimes I wonder if my fight against that was the only way I could fight back - kind of a silent determination to not let him break me. But sometimes we need to break within ourselves to allow the grief to come...to be expressed...to be acknowledged....to be seen. So that we can know what happened to us, mattered - and in that resignation, the recognition that so do we.

Hugs.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 8:31 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, I still don't wanna deal with this shit. I don't like the way I feel when I'm faced with it. I feel stupid. Oh so stupid.
(((((((((((((HUGE HUG))))))))))) from one DV survivor to another.

And I get it. I don't like talking about my dealings with my psychopathic ex either because I keep wondering how could I have been so stupid to date, have a child, and marry this guy? Why did I take so long to get away from him and expose my other children to this monster? (I had good reasons at the time, actually, but we are usually so much harder on ourselves than we need to be).

It was the most unpleasant time in my life and talking and thinking about it brings back my PTSD symptoms even worse and makes me feel bad, but I also know if I don't get ALL of the poison out that he left inside me I will have it constantly seeping out here and there in little bits or sometimes one huge chunk.

You need to work on getting the poison out of your system. IC can help a lot. Sometimes just talking thru it over and over until we become desensitized to the whole story is enough, sometimes we need a little more. Important though, if you talk to someone else about it, make sure it is someone that can validate your experience and has DV training.

Women who deal with DV aren't weak and stupid. Some DV perpetrators actually seek out strong, independent, and intelligent victims in order to suck the life and energy out of them and "feed" off of them. Controlling a strong beautiful woman and cutting down their self esteem can be tremendously powerful for someone with a personality or mental disorder (NPD, APD, etc....) .

Please don't make comparisons about other women dealing with worse and being stronger. They aren't valid. All that matters in your and your son's world is how strong YOU are, how you are handling this with integrity for your son's sake, and how you are learning, growing, and healing from this trauma. By having open discussions and crying with your son, you are teaching him invaluable life lessons that he will never forget and that will help him when he has a family of his own. And the next time he comments about your strength, accept it proudly. Because he is your son, and a part of you is in him. Let him know that HIS strength comes from you, and he will be able to call on that during tough times because he will remember what his mamma went thru and how strong she was.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thus far I've only been a lurker in wayward and yours is a voice that I've listened to a lot. I can see that you are a smart woman with boatloads of courage. I'm sorry that you are having to go down this particular memory lane but I know that you can do this. And it sounds like you have a smart bestie in your corner (good call on the IC) as well as your supportive DS.

Thank you for sharing your story.

(((MissesJai)))


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2013
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MissesJai, thankyou for sharing, I think you are very strong. And being able to have achild be able to sit with you and listen and cry with you, I would say you have done an awesome job, You have been a person I read and listen too. You have learnt so much and offer a lot.

I believe we keep things down , stuffed way down, until we are strong enough to face them, even though they are there, even though they affect our everyday thoughts and feeling, we keep them down. When we are strong enough, they will not stay away. I also agree with you, perhaps IC is the way to go. It sounds like its trying to get out and getting stronger. Maybe deal with it before it takes over. If you know what I mean.

Giving you hugs and strength,


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2013
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It takes an incredibly strong woman to survive it, and be the amazing mom you are to your son.

I have been dealing with some of the same things you mentioned (from my past). And like you, I've left the past in the past. The shitty part is it doesn't want to stay there. My belief is... maybe sometimes we do that because it's what it took to survive the trauma while it was happening. I know for me, I sucked it up and kept moving. If I cried over it, allowed myself to feel anything other than numb, then I couldn't be the mom I needed to be for my children. So today...out of "habit", I still do it. Just yesterday I started talking with my WBF about something in my past I've never wanted to deal with. But even then, I trivialized it.

Compliments are the last thing I want. I cringe when I hear them. That, or at times I start to cry. I think sometimes because I think I should have been stronger, or there are women who went through far worse, or if only the person who's giving me the compliment really knew me... It's all messed up and I know that, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling this way.

I'm so so sorry. Just know you're not alone...


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jun 2013
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((MissesJai))))
I don't want to tell you what to do....but....I think you need to deal with it. I did the same thing you did.

"It happened. Yeah, and? I can't undo it. I can't go back and stop it. It was what it was. Moving on". Except emotionally, I have not moved on. Not at all. I stuffed this shit waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down with the hope that if I ignored it long enough, it will go away.

I thought exactly the same thing. I told myself it didn't really affect me. I lived through it and felt lucky that I got out alive. What was done was done. I looked at it very analytically and I understood why I stayed, when I should have left. I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake. I didn't want the 'I told you so's' from my family -- which I got anyway. And over time I really didn't care if he killed me or not. I blamed myself. I was only 18 years old, but I thought I should have been smart enough to know better. I extended more understanding and compassion for the reasons behind it all to my abusive XBF, as time passed, than I did to myself.

I could still see the images of the abuse but it was like watching scenes of a movie play in my head. I can see the terrified girl getting the shit kicked out of her but I didn't feel the emotions that went along with it. I'd buried those deeply away.

When the trauma of dday hit all the feelings that I'd buried came up to the surface. The two experiences got meshed together in my mind. I feared my husband now as I had feared XBF then. At times, I was terrified of him. I flinched when he touched me. I called him XBF's name. A name I hadn't said in 20+ years. Then when the rage stage came, I felt double because it included the rage I never expressed from those times of abuse. Plus, the rage at myself for being so stupid -- again. My husband took hits, yes physical hits, after dday because I would trigger and get out of control. My emotions overwhelmed me on every level, when they used to be so easy to block out.

One day while I was triggering, he had his hand on my arm comforting me and a noise startled him and he squeezed as a reflex. I was not in the present time. In my mind I was in the past, walled off, and when he squeezed my arm I got startled and immediately started pushing him, and hitting him and trying to pull away and screaming. I switched from sitting calmly and staring off to attack/defense mode in a second. He stood there dumbfounded because I'd never acted like that before. The abused became the abuser and I was devastated by shame afterwards. I thought what's the point of going on? I'm beyond f-ed up now. I've become someone I hate. Unfixable.

But I'm am fixable. This shit does not define me or break me, and I'm thankful my husband supported me through it.

All the stuff we keep buried will come out some time. From my experience now, it's better to get it out in a controlled environment with help, than to have it flood out and not have a lot of control over it.

Instead of getting that all out, I could have just wrote -- ditto to what everyone said. But I guess that's the point. It needs to get out.

Good luck with everything.

[This message edited by DixieD at 10:13 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have so much to say to each and every one of you that took the time to respond. I don't have the time at the moment as I have to go into a training session, but I have read, and re-read every single response.

I love you all.

I will be back later with a more detailed response. OH - Jrazz - I actually read your reply last night and yes, I was sitting on my hands.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5843 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((MissesJ))))

You are a pretty incredible lady...so proud of you for what you've overcome and conquered. You are truly an inspiration!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197204 | Registered: May 2002
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:28 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 891 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just cannot imagine what you have gone through and SURVIVED. Not only survived, but survived with a life being well lived. I have been reading your responses to those of us who seek advice and hope and you have always been so levelheaded, compassionate, and generous in your responses. To understand a little bit about what you have experienced makes your strength and compassion even more admirable.
A mother's strength is something that has never ceased to amaze me. I cannot imagine what you did in order to get yourself through those very difficult times. I have been struggling over the recent suicide of a mother in my own community last week. I did not know the woman, just saw her at school concerts and picking up after practice etc, and I have been trying to imagine how desperate this poor woman must have felt in that very dark hour where she took action that left her family broken forever. I suppose I struggle to come to terms with it not just because it is so obviously tragic, but because perhaps I was so close to the edge myself at the time of my DDAY. I remember pushing so hard to bring thoughts of my children, remind myself that I am someone's mother to the forefront of my brain. I don't know why that worked for me, or what you did for yourself worked for you. I wonder what makes the difference; why were we lucky enough to live through our darkest moments (to be clear, mine did not involve abuse at all) while others were not lucky enough? Thinking of what you endured back then, and having to summon the strength to re-live it all for the sake of you child seems to me to require superhuman strength. Your have given your son a gift by being a consistent, loving mother. A fine example, a true survivor. I hope you will be able to further process past events to reach the point of peace. You deserve it.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually read your reply last night and yes, I was sitting on my hands

Hee hee. I have to be on orders to absorb positivity sometimes.... takes one to know one.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16968 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, hugs my friend.

You know what happens when you start to peel an onion, right? Tears are good on this. Trust me.

I can't help but think that the timing on this was meant to be and perhaps now is the time for your true moving on to happen.

I know how tight you are with your son - same here as you know, and think it awesome in going forward how great it will be to have him in your corner solidly with the truth(s) unmasked.

I do beg to differ with you however:

You are TRULY special.

You are incredibly STRONG.

You are an excellent example to your DS and now have shared with him TRUTH.

Ain't nothing wrong with any of that!

How blessed is he that you're his mom!


AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 4:50 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MJ,

I think IC is the best place to work through all of this. H's IC told him that stuffing stuff down is really dangerous because it WILL pop up at the worst possible time, usually. So, go deal with that stuff, so you can properly let it go.


Posts: 11592 | Registered: Mar 2008
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFSSC
insisted that it was "over" and "in the past" and "nothing to do with me today." (Any of that sound familiar?)

It sounds all too familiar. I say that to myself quite often.
Maybe because now you are strong enough and possess the tools to process it and heal.

I think you are right.

SMS

You are the farthest thing from stupid, but I feel I know what you mean.
Thank you (((SMS)))

tushnurse

But sometimes we need to break within ourselves to allow the grief to come...to be expressed...to be acknowledged....to be seen. So that we can know what happened to us, mattered - and in that resignation, the recognition that so do we.

WOW Ė this is hit me hard, but in a good way.

NA
I keep wondering how could I have been so stupid to date, have a child, and marry this guy? Why did I take so long to get away from him and expose my other children to this monster?

Iíve wondered that for so long. Logically, I know why Ė emotionally, I struggle.

Some DV perpetrators actually seek out strong, independent, and intelligent victims in order to suck the life and energy out of them and "feed" off of them. Controlling a strong beautiful woman and cutting down their self esteem can be tremendously powerful for someone with a personality or mental disorder (NPD, APD, etc....) .

This makes perfect sense. Strong, independent, intelligent Ė that was me before xH. He was so needy and broken. He was the leech and I was the host.

Joanh

we keep things down , stuffed way down, until we are strong enough to face them, even though they are there, even though they affect our everyday thoughts and feeling, we keep them down. When we are strong enough, they will not stay away.

I agree Ė I think this is why I find myself here.

TrulySad

sometimes we do that because it's what it took to survive the trauma while it was happening. I know for me, I sucked it up and kept moving. If I cried over it, allowed myself to feel anything other than numb, then I couldn't be the mom I needed to be for my children. So today...out of "habit", I still do it.

Thatís me! I was talking to another friend of mine and I told her that itís like Iíve been on auto pilot this entire time.

DixieD

I thought exactly the same thing. I told myself it didn't really affect me. I lived through it and felt lucky that I got out alive. What was done was done. I looked at it very analytically and I understood why I stayed, when I should have left. I extended more understanding and compassion for the reasons behind it all to my abusive XBF, as time passed, than I did to myself.

This is me too! The only way I could process it was to do so analytically. Like you, I extended more understanding and compassion for xH than to myself. I KNOW Iím not stupid, but fuck, when I think about what I accepted, what I allowed, I feel so damn stupid Ė and that feeling is driven by emotion, not logic.

I remember during our conversation, I told DS, ďno matter what Ė try your best not to hate him. He was a broken person. Try to be compassionate and understandingĒ. DS replied, ďI will try but mom, he put his hands on you. Itís hard to NOT hate someone who did that to my mom.Ē

I could still see the images of the abuse but it was like watching scenes of a movie play in my head. I can see the terrified girl getting the shit kicked out of her but I didn't feel the emotions that went along with it. I'd buried those deeply away.

Same here. In talking with the friend I mentioned earlier, I said that whenever I talk about it, it feels like it just happened. The emotions are so raw and in my face. I want to run and hide, and thatís usually what I do.

Neverwudaguessed

I wonder what makes the difference; why were we lucky enough to live through our darkest moments (to be clear, mine did not involve abuse at all) while others were not lucky enough? Thinking of what you endured back then and having to summon the strength to re-live it all for the sake of your child seems to me to require superhuman strength. Your have given your son a gift by being a consistent, loving mother. A fine example, a true survivor. I hope you will be able to further process past events to reach the point of peace. You deserve it

Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot to me.

ajsmom
(((ajsmom)))

I can't help but think that the timing on this was meant to be and perhaps now is the time for your true moving on to happen.

This is a recurring theme and all of you are right. Now is the time. I must be ready to walk through hell with gasoline drawls on, otherwise I wouldnít be here.
going forward how great it will be to have him in your corner solidly with the truth(s) unmasked.

You know, thatís what Iíve always wanted for us Ė especially when it came to xH. I wanted him to know the truth Ė not my version, not a watered down, sugar coated version of the truth Ė just the facts.

Itís taken a great deal of restraint NOT to insert my own biases when speaking about xH, but I know that doing so is the right thing to do in the long run. DS has the right to form his own opinion of xH. Thatís not my place and taking that from him is something I would not ever do. Itís wrong on so many levels and itís beyond selfish, at least IMO.

Thank you, SI family, for your support and understanding.



FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5843 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
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