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Newest Member: Hopeful96 (45455)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It happened - moving on, but..long
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm overwhelmed...reading all the posts here. Two kiddos on the bus, one more to go, and I'm struggling to keep a straight face sitting here at the computer.

I remember feeling so alone when all the abuse was going on. I never shared it with anyone. I think it was my way of having some normalcy, in the other parts of my life. Not only that, I felt completely ashamed. Today, I still feel alone with those memories. I can talk about it, but it's almost like those are MY nasty memories. I don't want to let anyone into them. That in itself is sad.

So reading everyone's posts here...part of me is so terribly sad to see how many beautiful women have gone through this. I knew it before, but usually we read about it in a newspaper article, delivering the deadly ending...not hearing it from each others own words, supporting each other. That makes me want to cry...not because I'm sad, but for some reason, it feels like relief. Almost like there is strength in numbers...


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Jun 2013
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((MJ)))))

No words. Just hugs.

(((((((((((((((MJ)))))))))))))))


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

like those are MY nasty memories. I don't want to let anyone into them
THIS. This is me. The memories are soooo ugly and violent. I don't want anyone to feel uneasy because of my experience. BUT - isn't that what we call trying to control outcomes?
like there is strength in numbers...
I think this thread is evidence of strength in numbers and how we find the resolve to survive.

thank you itainteasy


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5989 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't want to leave my post with the impression that I've processed through all this stuff already. I think it is as others have said, you can only deal with one thing at a time. You get to it when you are able and ready. Moving back in chronological order maybe. I had to deal with the newest BS stuff first. I couldn't dive into that history at the same time. I'm glad I've separated the two situations again for the most part. That was my first required step.

I don't want anyone to feel uneasy because of my experience.

I don't either. I don't want pity and I don't want to be seen as a victim. Survivor, ok maybe, victim, no. I can talk about it in a detached way but I know if I get into specifics it would upset the person I'm telling and I don't want that. That makes me uncomfortable, so I've not talked about it much, other than to a few people.

I think another reason I have a hard time letting go and crying about it is I still hear my dad's voice in my head when I cried as a kid -- 'Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about' 'Toughen up, don't be such a wimp'. I didn't cry much about it after the fact. I got angry for a while. I wanted XBF dead, but I liked my freedom too much to give him anymore of my life. He took enough and was not worth that. But not a lot of tears about it in an open cathartic healing way. My anger protected me from that pain and over time the anger subsided so I thought that meant I dealt with it, but I really hadn't/haven't.

MissesJai, I hope your son is going to be able to process all of it too. Hugs to you both.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
burntashes
♀ Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((MJ)))

Your son's reaction is proof of your strength as an awesome mother and strong woman. I fully understand the feeling dumb for enduring stuff you feel you shouldn't have. It's natural that your psyche try to bury such trauma, because the memory is deeply painful. But it's there, and when the memory is triggered, sometimes you feel as if your are experiencing rather than remembering, or you watch what you and your child went thru in horror. I suspect it takes time to deal with the experience a bit deeper each time.

I want to let you know I admire your strength. You are anything but dumb.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MJ - I haven't been reading this forum for awhile, so didn't see this 'till now. You are marvelous, simply marvelous. So strong. A survivor. And your candid talk with your son - you have made him stronger, too.

It's ok to process as slowly as you need. Your brain will set the pace that it is ready to handle.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks BA. it's good to see you. I hope you are safe & well.

Song, thank you for coming out of the woodwork for me. Your words mean so much.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5989 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
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