I remember feeling so alone when all the abuse was going on. I never shared it with anyone. I think it was my way of having some normalcy, in the other parts of my life. Not only that, I felt completely ashamed. Today, I still feel alone with those memories. I can talk about it, but it's almost like those are MY nasty memories. I don't want to let anyone into them. That in itself is sad.
So reading everyone's posts here...part of me is so terribly sad to see how many beautiful women have gone through this. I knew it before, but usually we read about it in a newspaper article, delivering the deadly ending...not hearing it from each others own words, supporting each other. That makes me want to cry...not because I'm sad, but for some reason, it feels like relief. Almost like there is strength in numbers...
No words. Just hugs.
like those are MY nasty memories. I don't want to let anyone into them
like there is strength in numbers...
thank you itainteasy
I don't want anyone to feel uneasy because of my experience.
I don't either. I don't want pity and I don't want to be seen as a victim. Survivor, ok maybe, victim, no. I can talk about it in a detached way but I know if I get into specifics it would upset the person I'm telling and I don't want that. That makes me uncomfortable, so I've not talked about it much, other than to a few people.
I think another reason I have a hard time letting go and crying about it is I still hear my dad's voice in my head when I cried as a kid -- 'Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about' 'Toughen up, don't be such a wimp'. I didn't cry much about it after the fact. I got angry for a while. I wanted XBF dead, but I liked my freedom too much to give him anymore of my life. He took enough and was not worth that. But not a lot of tears about it in an open cathartic healing way. My anger protected me from that pain and over time the anger subsided so I thought that meant I dealt with it, but I really hadn't/haven't.
MissesJai, I hope your son is going to be able to process all of it too. Hugs to you both.
Your son's reaction is proof of your strength as an awesome mother and strong woman. I fully understand the feeling dumb for enduring stuff you feel you shouldn't have. It's natural that your psyche try to bury such trauma, because the memory is deeply painful. But it's there, and when the memory is triggered, sometimes you feel as if your are experiencing rather than remembering, or you watch what you and your child went thru in horror. I suspect it takes time to deal with the experience a bit deeper each time.
I want to let you know I admire your strength. You are anything but dumb.
It's ok to process as slowly as you need. Your brain will set the pace that it is ready to handle.
Song, thank you for coming out of the woodwork for me. Your words mean so much.