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Newest Member: NeverAgain0 (44719)

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User Topic: How many OW is too many OW?!
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My God, you two are only 30 years old and he has a rap sheet THIS long already.

What's more, it's almost like he deliberately set out to destroy every single relationship with every woman that meant ANYTHING to you in your life. In essence, he's managed to estrange you from just about all your female friends.

There's literally NO line he won't cross. He has no moral compass and no moral boundaries whatsoever. Someone like this has no regard or respect for you OR your well-being, Roxy.

You ask how much is too much? His number doesn't matter at this point. It's his almost demonic NEED to destroy every good relationship in your life.

Please don't consider ever giving someone like this the gift of your forgiveness. He clearly does NOT deserve it.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS is too much. I'm so sorry.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Roxy)))

Holy Cow, it is a lot.

I agree with Bionicgal, the count really doesnt matter, its just one long affair that went unchecked. For 6 years, does it really matter if it was 1 or 8 OW? He just couldnt stick with one, for one whatever reason.

Though i am only sure of 2 ow, there may well be more. In fact, I would go with there almost has to be. At least a ons here or there.

Did you find this all out on your own or did he volunteer it?

Really, if its ended and he's doing what he has to do so this doesnt happen again, i dont really think the number matters.

But, you have to decide that for yourself. That's just how i view my own situation.

For my situation, he was at a very bad time of his life and chose infidelity to deal with it all. The women he chose meant nothing, they were just willing. At the time, he thought they meant something to him, but as time goes on, he see's the horrid mess for what it really was.

I will caution you though Roxy, it took him a long time to see that. I have come to the conclusion that based on how bad our marriage had deteriorated prior to his affairs, we are more than likely the 5-7 year plan vs. the 2-5 year plan. It took me a long time to grasp that.

Good Luck Roxy, search your heart, let your mind relax. Watch for things he does to prove he will correct the situation.

hugs,,,,,,,


Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
justdoit
♀ Member
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's see - continuous affairs, especially with people you know, no remorse, no effort to R, and then there are all those attempted affairs - What time yesterday did you kick his butt to the curb?


Me - 60
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it takes time - but I just don't know that I can get over the magnitude of the situation.

The magnitude of the situation is that there was 1 OW. (ok, and many more. But really, 1 is TOO MANY.)

Don't try to wrap your head around CRAZY, he is broken and it has nothing - N.O.T.H.I.N.G. to do with you.

The number of acceptable OW in a marriage is 0. ZERO. You take all the time you need to get over THAT.

((((Roxy))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2545 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart breaks reading this. More than zero is too many. He obviously has no boundaries.

I truly hope that you take care of YOU. If he's giving every ounce of his energy to change himself, THEN you should decide if you want to give him a chance at R.

But unless he is a model of remorse, I believe he is just way too dangerous an option for you. You are still young. There ARE good men out there. He has not proven himself to be one of them.

I am just so very sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Find your strength and find a happier life. It is out there.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 656 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6) OW6 - BIG one - girl 4-6 years younger than us. Brought her to our house several times to sleep with her because she was still living with her parents. Sex in our bed several times, and sex various other rooms in our house. Talked frequently and he couldn't let this one go even after I found out about her. I consider this one his girlfriend. They talked for months, constantly, I found so many emails, pictures of her in my house, phone records of long conversations.

^^ This, all by itself, would be too much for me. And combined with everything else you have listed??

As others have said, only you can decide what you're willing to live with. And that's all you can do here, because its obvious this is who he is, and he is not going to change. I hope you realize someday soon that you are worth so much more than this, and you deserve so much better than the way you've been treated.

((roxyme))

I'm so sorry you've been put through all this.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 4:47 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree that the number is irrelevant. He has NO problem repeatedly lying and cheating. He doesn't care who, he just needs another person, so I doubt he will ever stop.

Also, you write after several 'not sure how long'. Well, he's not being transparent, and clearly he's not remorseful. THAT is when it's enough - he's still lying, still protecting himself. He will do this again and again because he just doesn't get it.

If you have no kids, run. I know it hurts, and you love him, but right now you can leave and not look back. Don't wait until there are kids, a mortgage, etc. that will tie you to this cheater forever.

He won't stop. He isn't remorseful. You don't live with him now, right? Just cut the cord. You can do a lot better than this jerk.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roxy,

We're in our mid-to-late 30's. Met when we were very early 20's. My FWH cheated on me when we were dating, engaged, married for a total of almost 11 years. He cheated with Multiple women (probably 11 or 12), EA's PAs, you name it, not even counting porn and paid for internet girls...

We now have 2 children (1 prior to DDay, 1 a couple years after), happily and successfully reconciled 6+ years after DDay. We both feel our marriage is stronger now and we are more mature as individuals.

The key to this post? Everything IS possible with a truly remorseful wayward and a betrayed who's willing to give it another chance.

The questions you need to answer are: how do you know he is remorseful? Is he even remorseful sounding to begin with? Are you willing to give it another chance? Can you handle it? Can HE handle it?

[This message edited by Simple at 6:34 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Shocked  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to read that it's so sad. If he's truly remorseful and seeking counselling then there is hope if u want it. My WH had a 4 year affair with one woman. In that timeframe he could have had a ton, so what's worse? A deep emotional bond with one woman where the word love was thrown around or multiple woman who he didn't care much about. Sadly, it all sucks:(


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. My WH was similar, with 10+ OW.

My WH is a broken man who uses others to meet his own needs. A charming monster who is toxic to those he is suppose to love and protect.

I've stopped imagining my WH could ever be a suitable partner. Oh he went through the motions of MC, but proved repeatedly that he lacks the emotional maturity needed to rise above his own base desires.

I regret the time I wasted trying to R. The writing was on the wall almost from the get go that nothing good was going to come from all my endeavors because he was just too broken. I was tilting at windmills. Profit from my example and run as far and as fast as you can.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Roxyme765
♀ New Member
Member # 41764
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I do truly believe he is remorseful. I moved in with my bestfriend and he moved into an apartment. We both wanted out of the town we were in. He has been going to IC. He has stopped drinking (moderation is a big problem for him). He is actually being a part of our daughters life now. I truly believe he is trying to do everything to make us work. He even changed his phone number.
I just feel like given time and the right circumstances he would cheat again. I don't know if I am paranoid from past behaviors or I just think it is ingrained in him. He is a smooth talker. He told me previously that he made himself into whatever these girls needed; a friend, a good time, the boyfriend type. Just so he could get them in bed. He said he kept certain ones around for a while just because "he knew they were a sure thing".
I know he wasn't with one for Years, but I feel in a way I've had to deal with the horrible part of a LTA and just multiple ONS. Because so many were my friends and people I knew. And a couple were for months (I'd guess around four months?). And the ex girlfriend he had years of history with is such a dagger because they used to love each other.


Me: BS, 30
Him: WS, 30
D-Day: April 2013 (about 5 years of cheating with multiple OW)
Going through divorce.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Tiffany98
New Member
Member # 42015
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roxy!!!!
I can totally relate. My WH, like another poster said..messed around with escorts on backpage.com. So that's countless women....paid for it my dear, as well as a long list of randoms. We've been married for 15 yrs and he confessed in mc he's been cheating for the last four. No friends though, but he tried my sister's friend. We had counseling. I suggest you do this.ic and mc; if you want this to work.
Counseling didn't work for us as to mending our marriage. The damage was too great bc he has a pending child. That was my breaking point. Everyone has their limit and you will know yours. My friends used to tell me..you are not tired of playing the fool yet, but you will know when.
We have 5 children.. At this point I am implementing the 180..i have to move on and strong! !!
This bastard has spent 2000 on mc and every time we went back he confessed to more women and a couple of his standbys. I've been with this man since I was 14 years old and I am 40 now. Married him TWICE.

I owe it to myself and my children to be happy. As much as I love this man and I love this man. I know deep down he will not make me happy. I will never feel secure with him and trust is out the window. I would make myself miserable. I have to learn to love me more and this is my journey. I have to really put it in the hands of God. I've fought a good battle, now I have to win Me back. Shoot I am still a good catch..lol. I have a lot to offer. I just have to be more selective next time. But in the meantime I will concentrate on myself and making my children happy during this hard time. I surrender to the will of God.
Roxy please don't lose yourself in trying to catch back, you will only hurt yourself in the end. Take the moral high ground and your results will be favorable. We just have to believe we can do it and work toward that goal bc we really deserve better. We have to value not only see our self worth. God bless you darling, I will keep you in my prayers and the rest of you all on Si. Who wants to be here?

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tiff98
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wife had

OM 1: casual friend that resulted in a one night stand in our car.

OM 2: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails.

Om 3: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails.

OM 4: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails.

OM 5: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails. plans to meet for a 3-some that never happened.

OM 6: long term physical affair. he came into our house.

OM 7: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails. plans to meet for sex. happened while OM 6 was still ongoing.

OM 8: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails. planned to meet for sex. met, had a one night stand.

----

not to make humor out of a terrible situation but i cant even keep them all straight in my head - there are so many and they are so interwoven. i know which 3 she had sex with (one multiple times) and where they are in the timeline but the others appear, disappear, reappear so often that i canteven keep it straight


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
16forever
♀ Member
Member # 37255
Sad  Posted: 12:20 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has a grand total if 11 ow 10 hookers he had sex with and one old high school friend he actually left for and moved in with and gave me D papers to be with I wish I could say this was a good call it quits number but iam here dealing with it every day he is home and we are working on R only time will tell


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many is too many? Easy. When you say it is.

I have no idea how many OW my XSO had, but I know the body count is pretty high. He self-medicated with OW. And I swept the ones I knew about under the rug because they always went away, and I loved him, and I didn't want to leave my home and my job. (We worked together.)

There WILL be a straw that breaks the camel's back. You will know when that is. However, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and blows to my self-esteem if I had been proactive and brought that straw down decisively a lot sooner. He isn't in the driver's seat. YOU are.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7180 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Topic Posts: 36
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