What's more, it's almost like he deliberately set out to destroy every single relationship with every woman that meant ANYTHING to you in your life. In essence, he's managed to estrange you from just about all your female friends.
There's literally NO line he won't cross. He has no moral compass and no moral boundaries whatsoever. Someone like this has no regard or respect for you OR your well-being, Roxy.
You ask how much is too much? His number doesn't matter at this point. It's his almost demonic NEED to destroy every good relationship in your life.
Please don't consider ever giving someone like this the gift of your forgiveness. He clearly does NOT deserve it.
Holy Cow, it is a lot.
I agree with Bionicgal, the count really doesnt matter, its just one long affair that went unchecked. For 6 years, does it really matter if it was 1 or 8 OW? He just couldnt stick with one, for one whatever reason.
Though i am only sure of 2 ow, there may well be more. In fact, I would go with there almost has to be. At least a ons here or there.
Did you find this all out on your own or did he volunteer it?
Really, if its ended and he's doing what he has to do so this doesnt happen again, i dont really think the number matters.
But, you have to decide that for yourself. That's just how i view my own situation.
For my situation, he was at a very bad time of his life and chose infidelity to deal with it all. The women he chose meant nothing, they were just willing. At the time, he thought they meant something to him, but as time goes on, he see's the horrid mess for what it really was.
I will caution you though Roxy, it took him a long time to see that. I have come to the conclusion that based on how bad our marriage had deteriorated prior to his affairs, we are more than likely the 5-7 year plan vs. the 2-5 year plan. It took me a long time to grasp that.
Good Luck Roxy, search your heart, let your mind relax. Watch for things he does to prove he will correct the situation.
I know it takes time - but I just don't know that I can get over the magnitude of the situation.
The magnitude of the situation is that there was 1 OW. (ok, and many more. But really, 1 is TOO MANY.)
Don't try to wrap your head around CRAZY, he is broken and it has nothing - N.O.T.H.I.N.G. to do with you.
The number of acceptable OW in a marriage is 0. ZERO. You take all the time you need to get over THAT.
I truly hope that you take care of YOU. If he's giving every ounce of his energy to change himself, THEN you should decide if you want to give him a chance at R.
But unless he is a model of remorse, I believe he is just way too dangerous an option for you. You are still young. There ARE good men out there. He has not proven himself to be one of them.
I am just so very sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Find your strength and find a happier life. It is out there.
6) OW6 - BIG one - girl 4-6 years younger than us. Brought her to our house several times to sleep with her because she was still living with her parents. Sex in our bed several times, and sex various other rooms in our house. Talked frequently and he couldn't let this one go even after I found out about her. I consider this one his girlfriend. They talked for months, constantly, I found so many emails, pictures of her in my house, phone records of long conversations.
^^ This, all by itself, would be too much for me. And combined with everything else you have listed??
As others have said, only you can decide what you're willing to live with. And that's all you can do here, because its obvious this is who he is, and he is not going to change. I hope you realize someday soon that you are worth so much more than this, and you deserve so much better than the way you've been treated.
I'm so sorry you've been put through all this.
[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 4:47 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]
Right now is harder than it looks. ~ Van Halen
Also, you write after several 'not sure how long'. Well, he's not being transparent, and clearly he's not remorseful. THAT is when it's enough - he's still lying, still protecting himself. He will do this again and again because he just doesn't get it.
If you have no kids, run. I know it hurts, and you love him, but right now you can leave and not look back. Don't wait until there are kids, a mortgage, etc. that will tie you to this cheater forever.
He won't stop. He isn't remorseful. You don't live with him now, right? Just cut the cord. You can do a lot better than this jerk.
We're in our mid-to-late 30's. Met when we were very early 20's. My FWH cheated on me when we were dating, engaged, married for a total of almost 11 years. He cheated with Multiple women (probably 11 or 12), EA's PAs, you name it, not even counting porn and paid for internet girls...
We now have 2 children (1 prior to DDay, 1 a couple years after), happily and successfully reconciled 6+ years after DDay. We both feel our marriage is stronger now and we are more mature as individuals.
The key to this post? Everything IS possible with a truly remorseful wayward and a betrayed who's willing to give it another chance.
The questions you need to answer are: how do you know he is remorseful? Is he even remorseful sounding to begin with? Are you willing to give it another chance? Can you handle it? Can HE handle it?
[This message edited by Simple at 6:34 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
My WH is a broken man who uses others to meet his own needs. A charming monster who is toxic to those he is suppose to love and protect.
I've stopped imagining my WH could ever be a suitable partner. Oh he went through the motions of MC, but proved repeatedly that he lacks the emotional maturity needed to rise above his own base desires.
I regret the time I wasted trying to R. The writing was on the wall almost from the get go that nothing good was going to come from all my endeavors because he was just too broken. I was tilting at windmills. Profit from my example and run as far and as fast as you can.
OM 1: casual friend that resulted in a one night stand in our car.
OM 2: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails.
Om 3: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails.
OM 4: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails.
OM 5: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails. plans to meet for a 3-some that never happened.
OM 6: long term physical affair. he came into our house.
OM 7: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails. plans to meet for sex. happened while OM 6 was still ongoing.
OM 8: exchange of nude pics and sexually loaded emails. planned to meet for sex. met, had a one night stand.
not to make humor out of a terrible situation but i cant even keep them all straight in my head - there are so many and they are so interwoven. i know which 3 she had sex with (one multiple times) and where they are in the timeline but the others appear, disappear, reappear so often that i canteven keep it straight
I have no idea how many OW my XSO had, but I know the body count is pretty high. He self-medicated with OW. And I swept the ones I knew about under the rug because they always went away, and I loved him, and I didn't want to leave my home and my job. (We worked together.)
There WILL be a straw that breaks the camel's back. You will know when that is. However, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and blows to my self-esteem if I had been proactive and brought that straw down decisively a lot sooner. He isn't in the driver's seat. YOU are.
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks