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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Advice?
RuinedEverything
♀ New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH has a serious hate for my FAP. I'm talking actual hate. To the point where I have to hear how my BH wishes my FAP would just die so he doesn't have to worry about him anymore (which I really don't like to hear). Is this healthy while trying to R? I feel like we can't R with all the hate he holds towards my FAP. Or will his hatred for my FAP help with R? He has always hated my FAP. Since the day he met him when we first started dating. I told my BH recently that I feel like we can't get past my LTA if he's holding on to the hate he feels for OM. I asked my BH if he just doesn't want to let go of the hate he has for OM. He told me that he doesn't want to hate him but I don't know if I believe that. How do I help my BH let go of the hate he has for my FAP? Any other BS or WS gone through this? I want to help my BH. I just want us to be ok.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i just wrote a scathing response about why your BH should hate your AP but I erased it because I'm trying to be more understanding to people who just don't "get it." I'm trying to help you.

Speaking as a BH I would say that, in short, yes it makes sense that your BH hates your AP.

You need to deal with it.

you also need to stop contacting your AP or thinking about him.

best of luck.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 520 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my BH recently that I feel like we can't get past my LTA if he's holding on to the hate he feels for OM.

Hate is not a healthy emotion to hold onto, but your arguing this point with him at the frontlines is going to do WAY more damage to Reconciliation than help. He has every right to feel the way he does, and pushing him to "let go" seems cold and dismissive. The fact that you are still in contact with AP, however you spin it, has to be emotional torture for your BH.

Work on the relationship. Work on your behavior. Make positive steps in the direction opposite your AP.


I just want us to be ok.

Then go NC with your AP. COMPLETELY. Focus on the 1,000,001 other things you could be doing for your BH rather than worrying about him hating your FAP. Understand that his heart is shattered and the hate is a result of your behavior. This isn't something to "get past", this is something that requires leveling the building and laying the foundation from scratch. Then, and only then is it reasonable to hope that his pain may lessen to the point that he feels something resembling indifference towards the FAP, and what you've done.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16458 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I hate them. HATE. It is normal. He has good reason to hate the AP. Understand that the immense hate takes some of the heat off you. BSs have a ton of anger. Rage, really. If I didn't project at least half of that anger on the OWs, there's no way we could R.

Read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". It's $7 on kindle, and takes maybe an hour to read.

You can not R as long as you are being protective of the AP. Quit calling him YOUR AP, refer to him as the OM or just OM. He encouraged you to do things that nearly ruined your life. He helped you hurt someone who loves you. You should have a little bit of anger/hate toward him, yourself.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2241 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I help my BH let go of the hate he has for my FAP?

Why would you want to?
Your BH has a very good justifiable reason to hate your FAP.
That fine upstanding citizen , fucked his wife repeatedly.



To the point where I have to hear how my BH wishes my FAP would just die so he doesn't have to worry about him anymore (which I really don't like to hear)

Seems your putting your FAP ahead of your BH. Why is that?


I feel like we can't R with all the hate he holds towards my FAP

Then it looks like your not going to reconcile.
Because your BH isn't going to stop hating your FAP anytime soon. Why should he?
If your BH was on SI, I (and I suspect many others) would advise him not to attempt reconciling with you until you pull your cranium out of your rectum.

The problem here is not that your BH hates your FAP, it's that you resent your BH for doing it.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
FracturedSoul
♀ New Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you prefer that your BS turns all his rage towards you????

I hate every OW my fWH had been with. I have to hate and rage against someone....I can't love AND completely despise my H at the same time if I truely want to reconcile.

Don't get me wrong, I hate WHAT he did, but I don't HATE him...I love him. But I HATE her...

it's natural for a BS...stop defending the OM, or go back to him. What you are expecting from your H is not possible. Maybe not ever.


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

let me try to give a little explanation.

your AP tried to take you from your husband. He tried to destroy your husband's family. he fucked you repeatedly and told you to leave your husband.

do you really think your husband will EVER forget this?

WS's need to get to a point of indifference with their APs.

BS's will rarely achieve that.

[This message edited by mike7 at 4:27 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 520 | Registered: Mar 2013
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

your AP tried to take you from your husband. He tried to destroy your husband's family. he fucked you repeatedly and told you to leave your husband.

Agree with Mike 100% on this.

You can't expect your BH to be indifferent towards the OM. No, it isn't great to hold onto hate for a long time but you will be doing more damage by insisting he let it go so soon. The hate will fade over the years but only if you are doing everything you can to help your H feel secure in your marriage. Doesn't sound like you are at the moment.

You need to establish complete NC with the OM. That includes your thoughts. Your mind has to be an OM free zone, your entire focus has to be R with your H.

Go to MC, stop referring to the OM as 'my AP', stop defending him.

It's not easy but try putting yourself in your H's shoes. How would you feel towards an OW if the roles were reversed?

Good luck.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1215 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:33 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please note that this thread has been moved to the wayward forum. BSs, please post accordingly.

Thank you


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the point where I have to hear how my BH wishes my FAP would just die so he doesn't have to worry about him anymore (which I really don't like to hear).

Which you really don't like to hear, because the thought of (F)AP dying is painful for you. You don't want to imagine a world without him in it. Am I right?

Giving a shit about FAP is what's hurting your R, not BH's (very rational) hatred toward the scumbag. Of course BH hates FAP and wishes he would drop dead. Pretty sure every BS wants that, at some point. Did you think they were gonna be buddies? Swap stories over beers about the great BJs you give?

The point of your post is, basically, BH is doing something wrong that's hurting our R.

I feel like we can't R with all the hate he holds towards my FAP.

Wrong. You can't R with all the luuurve you hold toward the AP.

How do I help my BH let go of the hate he has for my FAP?

You don't. Quit blaming BH for what's wrong in your M, quit trying to control what BH feels, and get to work on controlling how you feel.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will tell you that trying to keep him from hating the OM will only make it worse... You are only reinforcing his fear that you care more about your AP than you do about him.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2241 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I HATE HATE HATE the OW. I agree with other posters;

1. when I decided to try and work things out with my H, I couldn't channel all my rage on him, or it would have never worked, so maybe she got a little extra. She was a friend of mine, so it was a double betrayal, that also got her a little extra.

2. Your BS should not HAVE to get over it. I told my H I hated her so much if she exploded in to a million tiny bloody pieces, I would want to watch, and the only thing I would feel upset about would be if any of her skanky ass got on me...and I meant it. I have no desire to feel any other way.

He told me he totally gets why I feel that way and to do whatever I need to make myself feel better - except nothing to get thrown in jail - he doesn't want to be apart from me. If there was ANYTHING that mad my rage a tiny bit less, it was him saying that.

We have to see her several times a week right now (but not for long) in a social situation, and he does everything he can to make me feel better. He told me if I decided to walk over and punch her in the face (not a thing I would do) he wouldn't stop me, and the only thing he would care about at all was me getting in any trouble. THAT is what your H needs to here - that you care about HIM - and that you couldn't give a crap about the AP.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BH, I had many emotions following D-day. Two very powerful ones were anger and rage. For whatever reason, I could not focus the majority of my anger and rage at my WW. There was so much trauma at the time and I still held on to the male instinct to protect her despite what she had done to me. But this rage and anger had to go somewhere and the only logical place was for it to be directed at the OM. From a man's perspective, the ultimate show of disrespect is for another man to pursue/have sex with your wife. The OM knew you were married and it did not matter. This shows that he is no man at all and has serious morality/character issues.There is nothing that a man can do to another man to disrespect him more IMO than to pursue and then sleep with his wife. Nothing on the planet. It is the most dishonorable thing a man could do to another man so the consequences and stakes are of the highest order. People get murdered every single day for this sort of thing. So when your BH shows anger, rage and hate for your AP it is completely justified. And most likely he will seek some sort of justice for what the OM did to wreck his life. The WW needs to never, under any circumstances, make the BH think that she is defended the OM. He needs your support and reassurance 100% of the time. And you should never question whether he should or should not want to seek justice from the OM. Let him work through this on his own time and schedule. I am eight months out from D-day and my desire to seek justice is nearly as strong today as it was a week after I found out.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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