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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Lacking Trust...
JustSoSad42
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, in my situation, I know that my husband just fell victim to a predatory, morally corrupt woman and his own weakness, in a situation that he immediately after recognized was not appropriate for a married man to be in.

Which means rationally in my head, I know that I have nothing to worry about in terms of him actively pursuing another woman, or seeking friendships that get out of hand, etc.

But in my irrational state of post-Dday hysteria, I had a meltdown over hearing a woman's voice on the phone when he called work to check on his schedule. She sounded young and nice, and I immediately got SO jealous. And then our friend's girlfriend texted him soon after that phone call, asking him to help her pick up a grill for her BF's birthday and bring it to their house. Either yesterday or the day before, I had literally JUST asked him if he had feelings for her or anything because she texts him sometimes (very sporadically) and I know they partied together a couple times (with her BF) before I got here.

Again, rationally, I understand that she needs help, and at first was mad that she didn't ask one of his single friends, but remembered they are all gone to a school in AZ for 5 weeks (but not her BF...sounds complicated, just small-friend-circle Army life). So I assume Husband is the only dude she is in contact with who is in town to help.

I HATE that this kind of thing bothers me now. Even though I don't really have a reason for it to bother me. I hate feeling like "that wife" who is jealous of every woman who talks to her husband.

:-(


BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think rebuilding trust takes time, lots of time, but it can de done. WS needs to show their BS that they are trustworthy, by being transparent and doing what they say they will do. I think one can forgive, but perhaps never trust again.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 172 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"So, in my situation, I know that my husband just fell victim to a predatory, morally corrupt woman and his own weakness, in a situation that he immediately after recognized was not appropriate for a married man to be in."

Umm... No. Please do not rug sweep this. He made the choice to cheat. My H's first ONS was exactly the same.. and then there were more (I found out about them all at once).

That "friend" needs to not text your H to ask for help. She needs to text you. I suggest talking a lot more about boundaries.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really don't mean to, but the fact that it worries you matters! It really does.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, in my situation, I know that my husband just fell victim to a predatory, morally corrupt woman and his own weakness, in a situation that he immediately after recognized was not appropriate for a married man to be in.
Which means rationally in my head, I know that I have nothing to worry about in terms of him actively pursuing another woman, or seeking friendships that get out of hand, etc.

my husband was pursued by the first OW, well, he didn't put up much of a fight but anyway, was introduced to "the drug" and when I caught him at that one he pursued another women to get that feeling back.
HE is absolutely responsible in both situations for engaging in an affair, equally. you either do or you don't.
Rationally, in your head, you should be worried.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Dec 2010
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with morhurt. The girl should be texting you to see if your husband can help with the grill.

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustSoSad42
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree that he made the choice not to say "no" when it happened, I was just trying to point out that he wasn't in pursuit of anything and that it just quite literally fell into his lap. He was not strong enough to say no.

The friend's girlfriend is not my friend. I have met her once, and have nothing in common with her (she is single (not married), working, no kids, goes out, etc. ) so we just aren't friends and she doesn't have my number.

I am 100% not worried about her. He was great when I brought her up the other night, I thought he would get aggravated and think it was stupid that I was even worried about it, but he said he thought it was coming after he saw me read their conversation, and saw my face (nothing bad in the convo, she was asking him info about my OBGYN because her friend is moving here and is pregnant, needs a doc). He was honest, and not patronizing, validated my feelings, assured me 100% that he has no interest in her, etc. I have no reason to believe otherwise.

We have total transparency, and always have. I can help myself to any of his electronics and accounts and whatever. In fact, I have a bank account that he doesn't have access to that I use to buy secret things like m&m's and Elfa closet organizers...but I digress.

I am just bummed that things I didn't bat an eye at before cause the hair on my neck to stand up now. Just a sad testament to what infidelity can do to even a solid relationship. :-(


BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
JustSoSad42
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also we did discuss boundaries last night. I told him it was important, and good practice for future situations. I told him to be nice, but not flirty (he is a natural flirt, and we have already discussed this many times since Dday as something he needs to stop out of respect for our relationship) and that he is to come home straight after, no sitting around for 30 minutes shooting the shit or whatever. He agreed. Seemed a bit annoyed to talk about it, but I am pretty sure it was because we had already had a pretty rough day re: his ONS, and because he thinks he already knows appropriate boundaries now after what happened.

But I told him it was important that we discuss and agree upon boundaries together, because we may have different ideas on what is and is not appropriate. He agreed, and we went to bed. I hate touching on sensitive subjects right before bed, he is always so grumpy and half asleep!


BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's good you talked. And undoubtedly you will need to talk more about boundaries. My H thought he got it right away too, he thought as long as there was no attraction it was fine to be chatty. As long as taboo subjects weren't discussed (sex, marital status etc), it as fine. Not true.

And honestly, it's ok for you to request that your H just not have text convos with non family members of the opposite sex.

I had a very hard time (and still do sometimes) voicing things that made me feel uncomfortable. It gets easier.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
JustSoSad42
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He asked if I wanted him to stop texting her, well he said "If you want, I won't text her ever again." (non-sarcastically) I told him it was fine.

I think I will request that he not ever initiate texting with her. He texted her "Happy New Year!" on new years', and that bugged me a bit, as she was the only girl he texted that to. (He texted the same thing to lots of his friends, so it wasn't "special" or anything, but still bothered me.)


BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him it was fine.

And as long as it actually is fine, then great. I know when I say "fine" I mean, "I'd rather you didn't but saying that feels pushy and bossy so instead I'll just hope you stop."


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 10

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