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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Shaking so bad/nauseous
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed to leave work but couldn't so I hid in the Ladies til I could get it together.

My FWSO has been more than transparent, I now even control his iTunes accounts, he is so not tech wise. I can check anything I want email/phone/computer history. I can track his phone. But honestly I haven't had to in quite awhile.

We had an incident when DBC got through the blocks in place when we moved to a new condo. Didn't know you need to reinstate on the move.

Well I was fooling around on computer and decided to just do a check, haven't done one in months. A new number pops up. SO no biggie except the convos were 20/22/27 minutes long and just started right after Christmas. Which was when she broke through the blocks. I have Spokeo so I check and... yep her name comes up.

Please this is not real, OMG please. That was when I left the room. I do have one friend at work who knows, he went through same thing with crazy ex who was a WW. He calls the number and a young guy answers, friend did good job pretending and got that it FWSO's sons phone on his mother's account. FWSO's AP was his xDBC.

Now there is history with this kid that is not good, he was a pawn used by her to slither back into FWSO's life.

So I call FWSO, say nothing, planning to ignite when I get home. FWSO tells me he needs me to know something - brace yourself - he tells me about the calls. Now he has no idea I know, seems the DS reached out to him, he is no longer under her control. He apologized to his father/FWSO . He tells me about all 3 calls that he wasn't sure if he wanted to mend their relationship with what happened, but he agreed to meet DS for dinner. I gotta say my heart sank, I could feel the door opening yet again. He did tell DS that I would need to be present he would not meet him alone. He would not pick him up at the residence he shares with DBC.

I know he is his son, he needs this relationship but OMG my fear is she will again try to open a door & slither in. So I am guessing I need to set ground rules, but can I really do that with his son. Can I tell him the parameters for the reconciliation?


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How old is the DS old enough to drive, or does he have to be driven? If he can drive, then he can meet your WH away from the house. If driven,you certainly can set parameters with him picking up and dropping off his son so that he has NC with OWt. It''s a wonderful thing that his son is reaching out to him, but there must be safeguards in place so that YOUR needs and concerns are taken care of.

I think that both of you need to sit down and talk about this frankly. You need to let him know what your legitimate concerns are and both of you need to brainstorm to make sure that NC with the OW is maintained. You may need to go along with him to pick up his DS. If the OW refuses to let you be the one at the door to pick up DS, then maybe he needs to stand 5'' away with his phone linked to yours with the speaker setting on so you can hear whatever happens (and be his witness if she claims some sort of BS). Maybe DS can be picked up at a nearby relatives or friend''s house. Both of you brainstorm and see what you can come up with jointly.

[This message edited by Skan at 8:19 PM, January 22nd, 2014 (Wednesday)]


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is DCB?


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also trying to figure out DBC.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, you are triggering. Hang on to your FWSO until the shakes pass--don't make any decisions. Just express your fears and feelings and let the physical symptoms wash through and away. It usually takes me at least a day.

When you can breathe again, THEN start planning what you want.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8824 | Registered: Jan 2008
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWSO tells me he needs me to know something - brace yourself - he tells me about the calls. Now he has no idea I know, seems the DS reached out to him, he is no longer under her control. He apologized to his father/FWSO . He tells me about all 3 calls that he wasn't sure if he wanted to mend their relationship with what happened, but he agreed to meet DS for dinner.

My question would be... was there time between your friends call and your FWSO call and confession for DS to give his dad and heads up?

It seems to be a pretty big coincidence that the call and confession were so closely timed. FWSO had plenty of time to inform and consult with you about this. Infidelity has made me very wary of coincidence.

FWSO should be at the point where he knows 3 significant calls were worthy of informing you about. His considering building a relationship with his son isn't the problem, secrets and lying by omission is. As is, IMO the timely confession.

[This message edited by redrock at 4:11 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok sorry for delay

First DBC = drug bag c***. Her pet name

No there is no way his son would know who called - we work for somewhere that is non-traceable. Also how I found out was seeing the number on his cell log. I check any number more than 2 minutes in coming or outgoing. It has been awhile because it has been really good. This made me go back months - no calls


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is meeting him tomorrow night. I will be sitting across the room just to make sure nothing happens & she does not show up


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're right in wanting ground rules. I just don't know what they should be beyond maintaining NC with DBC.

Sounds like this is an FGO (fucking growth opportunity) to work out the rules jointly with SO.



fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
creativecat
♀ Member
Member # 41728
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, so glad that it was the son and not DBC. I was wondering about the timing of the call and your FWSOs confession, too, though.

Second, I am in love with your acronym, sisoon: FGO. Totally fits where I am at.


Posts: 89 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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