What I need is some encouragement. I/we want to save this marriage. When the A is not a dominating focus we are great together. We LOVE each other, but I mean how long does it take before I stop slipping into depression? How long does it take before the trust starts to come back? Or will it ever come back?
I truly hate the way I feel. I have zero self confidence, seems like everything I do lately I fail at, nothing is what it should be. This is not the life I wanted. But shit happens I guess.
Anyways. If anyone can shed some light on a reasonable timeline, I'm worried I will never let go of the hurt and distrust.
but I mean how long does it take before I stop slipping into depression? How long does it take before the trust starts to come back? Or will it ever come back?
However, in your case... is your WS remorseful? If not, no timeline is ever going to apply. And with the extent of the TT and multiple DDs, I'm not sure how remorseful your WW is, especially if Brandon is correct re her attitude toward the OM. Has she done the work? Does she understand why she did what she did? Does she take full responsibility and does she focus on YOUR healing?
After 3 years, it's time to ask some hard questions. It's no surprise that you're not healing, if she broke NC a year ago and isn't doing the other stuff I mentioned. (I don't know about the last part.) The things that are slowly, slowly inching me toward being able to live with this are 1) consistently changed behaviors (demonstrating empathy and understanding of my needs/perspective) and 2) ability to talk openly and insightfully about what happened. Every new behavior is an inch in the right direction.
So there's no timeline. The 2-5 years cited on here is from the last DD. And every person and every situation is different.
The 80% number is probably one I quote often, from Shirley Glass - 80% of couples she worked with who started wanting R succeeded in R, but they both had to work at it.
IMO, the WS's work is most important. What has your W done to heal beside stay NC for a year - IC, MC, give you full honesty and transparency, etc?
I don't know if I should just post her user name here and maybe let you read through her side. Maybe an outside opinion that knows both sides would help more.
I don't know.
If you weren't traumatized, it would seem strange.
You know that this is a terrible thing to happen. We all do. No one here will ever tell you to get over it. But we must live with it. It sure isn't easy as you know, but you can do it.
You MUST do it for your children. You must find a way to cope and make decisions for your future that are right for you as we'll as for your children. Only you will know what those are, and it may take awhile to for you to get there.
So for now, take one day at a time. Do what you can to soothe yourself. Care for yourself. Come here for support.
Don't pressure yourself to "be over it", but don't let the selfish actions of another defeat you either.
We are here.
..you've got to have faith though!! We will win that Cup again in our lifetime!!!
..I finally got to the ACC last Sat. night to see the leafs take the Habs 5-3.. took my 2 sons.. it was Great!!
..now, the M.. for me, nearing 5 years out from D-day #3, accepting the whole truth and it's far reaching damage has been tough. It is simply a long, hard grind to get thru all the crap, but if you both are determined to succeed, it can happen. try, however you may, to push away the bad thoughts and movies, focus on the positive and you can begin to put a few good days together, then work on a longer string of wins.
..like the Leafs, hey--6 wins in a row.. if they can do it.. hey, so can you!!
keep fighting for what you want, and tell her too. make sure she is giving you what she can to help you heal..
..and yes, SHIT does HAPPEN.. and it happened to us... are we going to take it or wash it all off!!! Time to hit the showers and get rid of the stink in our lives!!!
take care 1976..
[This message edited by somanyyears at 10:19 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]
Get thee into IC ASAP, if you're not already doing so. And see your doc about medication, too. Even if you're already taking an AD, if you're still battling depression, you may not be on the right drug. Not all AD and therapists are created equal either. Sometimes you have to try out a few before you find the best one for you. The important thing is to not give up.
I have suffered from depression my whole life. And I can attest to the fact that it's not something that you can just will yourself to overcome. If you had any other health problem, you'd see a doctor and possibly take medication. There's absolutely no shame in caring for yourself. I encourage you to do that.
I know you want some encouragment for your M but I think people are being protective of you right now. You have great advice here. Trust builds over time. She needs to keep making deposits and fill that bank up!
She has some work to do. I hope she is in IC. This would be a "high cost behavior" for me. Get in IC or leave. Those were my words to my H almost one year ago today.
We are here. Keep posting.
This is also the case with any counseling/therapy. Not in the cards for either of us. Money is too tight for that.
I probably should have just let things be today and not posted this topic. I was more curious about a reasonable time to R. I didn't want to throw a pity me party. Lol.
Anyways........ Thanks again guys.
GO LEAFS GO .....
I don't want tpush the IC but speak to your Doc. He might be aware of some support groups that are free or close to it - or something indiv through the Y. You never know. Sometimes small biz owners have things available to them that are not well known.
Healing....it has been 13 months for us now. He owned it from day 1 and that was hard enough. There is still turmoil but better every month. What I say to others is, "turn down the volume" and watch the behavior. Her actions should scream, I am here for you.
As for posting her user name. I posted my H's but he didn't mind. Some people even have their partner's name as part of their sig. The thing is if she is not taking responsibility, the WS forum will call her on it.
Keep posting/deep breaths and always, go leafs go!
I honestly don't understand where all this anger came from recently. I know I have a temper, also rarely speak my mind. I think I'm just a frustrated person. I just wish so hard it would end/stop. That I would wake up one day and look at her and see the girl I fell in love with.
What use is a traumatized BS with multiple d-days who gets re-traumatized to the point of depression, loss of hope, loss loss loss?
Children need stable emotionally stable parents. And if removing yourself from the emotional abuse of repeat affairs is what allows you to heal, then that is what you may need to do.
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
Plus, every kind of person is on here - various stages of healing, anger, sadness, acceptance. So you really have to already have some self esteem and strength to take what you need from here and leave the rest.
It sounds like you're Canadian, so I just wanted to let you know that I see an IC that is covered by MSI - absolutely no cost or limits to sessions. I don't know how or why I got to see her, but the referral came from my family doctor - it was a long wait (7 months or so), but 100% covered. Maybe you can ask your family doctor about it?
$150/month is worth your life. I know that we have struggled with financing therapy as well, but we look at it as a medical necessity for life right now (my H and our MC is not covered by our benefits plan).
It's not a pity party for you, and I'm worried that you see it that way. Your mental health, anyone's mental health, is a very serious concern and something you can NOT do alone. If you're appendix burst, would you debate over whether or not to seek medical help or just let it kill you? My IC tells me this all the time, I fight a sensation of shame for taking meds for my PTSD and depression too - but I continue to fight. My kids are worth it, my loved ones are worth it, but most importantly, I am worth it.
Sending you support and hugs. From this thread, I hope the resounding message you hear is that you are truly not alone, and that there are amazing people out there that you have never met who genuinely want to help you. That blows my mind and I appreciate it a great deal. I need to know, especially at this time of recovery, that there are good, amazing, selfless people out there. And there are.
While we did lots of things right, we also made many mistakes (like most couples). There where times when one of us wanted to quit. But we didn't. 1 year after Dday we both saw hope, 2 years after Dday we know we would make it. Then just better and better. We still fight, probably more than we used to as that was part of our dysfunction. Things aren't perfect but we both know that if we could make it through what we did we can make it through anything.
It sounds like a long journey when you are in midst of it, but from the other side it seems much shorter.
Hope this encourages...
[This message edited by Monsterslayer at 6:22 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]
It's hard work on both sides of the coin but if both are committed it is possible., and you will have a better relationship than you ever imagined, even prior to the A. I know this to be true.
I too have struggled with depression off and on over the years. I think it's completely normal after an affair even three years out. Even though I think it's normal it doesn't mean you can't do something about it. Counseling, meds, exercise, sunshine...try them all!
As for trusting her again, it'll never be like it used to be. Blind trust is gone. If my FWH is going to be late, even though he texts me, I think about the A for a second. Or if he gets a lot of texts, I think about it. It sucks I'm still reminded of it but that's my life now. I do try to remember his demeanor now compared to then. He's not the same guy now he was back then. No red flags so I keep calm...and carry on:) I think depression makes it harder to let go of those damn triggers.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.