It made sense, but it hurt. One of them was my oldest friend in the world and another was a very close friend from the office who has helped me through thick and thin with work politics, etc. The third was less important, but still, someone I could talk to.
Today I get to add a FOURTH friend to the list - a very dear friend who knew nothing about the A, BUT has been told by his wife he is no longer able to see me (my BS had the courtesy to tell his wife all the horrid details of my A, so now I'm enemy number 1 in their household).
I'm running out of people to talk to. I'm running out of shoulders to cry on. I'm running out of anyone to listen to me and it makes me ANGRY and UPSET. It's not easy to get through this when there is no one to talk to!
Giving up friendships made sense when my BS was still talking to me, but she no longer does that. I would happily give up anyone and anything if we were talking (heck, even if we were fighting for that matter) but right now my list of friends is running short, as part of my commitment to her, and in return I don't even get a conversation.
It feels like I am busting apart at the seems today, trapped in a self-imposed cage and unable to even ask my jailer for a glass of water. It's moments like this, when I can't see ANY light at the end of the tunnel, that I question my own resolve.
Needed to share. This sucks.
Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13
Your wife is feeling protective of the marriage and is deeply hurt, and angry; she may well be lashing out, but that is normal. I do understand that it is hard for you but I encourage you to find strength, and perhaps to try to find other old friends or forge new bonds so that you can have an outlet. You have to acknowledge that losing the non-FOM and having the other wife excommunicate you are consequences for YOUR behavior. Show her you get that, and WANT to give her what she needs, and she will feel safer over time. And eventually your needs can get addressed as well. Just my two cents.
Of course you can still vent about it here though!
I'm sorry but I had to address this:
my BS had the courtesy to tell his wife all the horrid details of my A
It sounds like you have a lot of anger toward your wife. Sorry, but if you had not had the courtesy to PERFORM the horrid actions, she wouldn't have any horrid details to share in the first place. My first D-Day came about in part because my husband was hanging around someone who thought infidelity was no big deal. I think that wife is within her rights to have an issue with her husband hanging out with you, and that's NOT your wife's fault. Look at your anger at your wife, and look at where it should be directed. Then do something positive with it.
I'm sorry you're hurting.
The only person to be angry at right now is me. Just need to be reminded of that so I can focus.
Yes, I'm in IC twice a week and considering a proposal to ramp up to 4X to get over this particular patch of pain. It helps a ton, but it's not enough right now.
I love the 'monks retreat' analogy and on my good days that is about what I am thinking...but man oh man, how these emotions just fly in from nowhere and change your POV in an instant!
Note to self - I did this and my wife is protecting herself as a result. I need to deal with it and keep working on ME...
Those other three friends are different because they knew for years that you were a betraying your wife and unlike this latest friend and his wife, they were seemingly 'OK' with that. Those friends are still not the type of people you should have around you right now as you try to work on changing into a person of integrity again no matter how lonely you are. That you were the one who gave them up to pro-actively is very admirable. Please don't let this latest loss affect that decision if you still want to have a chance to R with your wife. As a BS I really do think it would tip the scales against R irrevocably if you took up with those three again no matter how lonely you feel.
I really do feel sad for you feeling so alone as I have followed your posts and do believe that you are as remorseful as you say you are and that you are doing hard the work on yourself to get the chance to R. So carry on doing that and give yourself the best chance of getting what you so desperately want by accepting the loss of these friends and seeking out support from people with better boundaries who are prepared to hold you to higher standards in their friendships with you and who are going to be safer for you as a person going forward.
I really do hope that you eventually get a chance to show your wife how hard you are working and how far you've come.
And thanks for the "get back in the ring" message. Don't worry, I whine a bit when I'm feeling down but I will NOT break the agreements I have with my wife. This is my moment to prove to her that I am more committed than ever to our marriage and there is no way I'm talking to those old friends.
I can honestly admit now, with a clear head out of the fog, that it really was poisonous that they were "okay" with what I was doing for so long.
My future self, with or without my wife, certainly will not benefit from THOSE types of friendships!
As you work more on yourself and your boundaries and not rushing to blame others (like your wife) for things you caused, you may see that these friendships weren't all that great to begin with.
You may make new friendships with healthier people (broken attracts broken and healthy attracts healthy). It hurts now to be alone, but now is a good time to look at what your friendships were like and what you hope new ones will be and the difference between them.
For now, my WBF comes here for advice. He spends his time reading up on his issues, and has started some new hobbies. None of his new interests involve other people...except me. Again, his choice. And through it all, he's made me the one he talks to now. About everything.
I know your wife isn't talking to you right now. Give it time. If you want to R with her, now is not the time to be thinking about friends. You've done the right thing by eliminating certain ones from your life. Now, work on you. Make that your priority, and while it sounds a little strange, become your own best friend. Hopefully in time, your BW will open the door and give you a chance.
It's been almost a year for my WBF, and myself (since DD). It sucks. And I hate that he doesn't have friends anymore. But he repeatedly tells me how I'm the only friend he wants or cares about. And he's living that statement. He has his best childhood friend coming in to town this week, and we have no idea how to handle this one... but he's already said he's prepared to walk away if this man can't accept his new ways.
I wish there was a way for men to find friendships with other men who support healthy relationship values, and would speak out against bad ones. I'm not sure where this would even exist...
Good luck, stay strong, and know you're not the only man going through this...
@Trulysad, thanks for the story about your WS. Always good to know I'm not alone in a club none of us ever wanted to join. It's wonderful that you are the one he talks to now...that was always my wife before all this happened, which makes this the real pain. Despite a few lost friends, what I miss most is my wife...that's where the pain is but I 'sleeping in the bed that I made' and there is more work to be done.
Thank you both for the comments.
I've been exactly where you are and I know it sucks. After my A was exposed our best couple friends wanted nothing to do with me (understandably). Other friends who were mine alone I gave up because they encouraged the A or didn't get the magnitude of the betrayal afterward. I too felt very isolated and without a support system.
But thank God for my mom and my IC. If you have family and/or a counselor who can help you in your journey, I'd highly recommend leaning on them.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"
Because this friend didn't aid the A or involve himself in any way I didn't consider him an enemy of the marriage, but I was still humiliated that he knew, and needed space from him, which FWH respected. FWH also disclosed to me any conversation they had after DDay, so that I didn't feel like he was keeping any more secrets... which helped a little.
What helped a lot was when his friend got married a year later. FWH was his best man, and I was helping coordinate the reception. (He and his wife live far away so I only met her a couple times - she very kindly included me in all the events and asked if I would help with the reception)The night before the wedding the whole gang went to the restaurant that his family owned to have drinks and celebrate. I was doing ok until FWH's friend cornered me and chose THAT moment to apologize for everything. He was crying, I was shocked, and I ran out of the building because I wasn't prepared to talk about it then. FWH chased me down and we went back to the hotel where I fell apart.
The next day (wedding day) I gave FWH's friend a tight hug and told him he's a good guy. Short and sweet - a way to say that the bridges were mended. The fact that he was looking at his own wedding and thinking about FWH and I and what we had been through meant that he was a friend of the family and worth keeping around.
LONG-ASSED story, sorry. I meant to offer an example of how you may not have to give up the friendships forever. The key is that these friends need to have compassion and understanding for what you have put your BW through, and she has to be in a place where she's receptive to hear their apology.
As for you having someone to talk to... maybe some time talking to yourself and sorting this all out makes sense. You are scrambling for company when your BW feels she has lost the person in whose hands she put her life and heart. Focus on you. There are books and counselors that can guide you. When you feel lonely, think about how good it will feel to earn her conversational interest back. That's going to take a ton of time and work, but it's worth it.
She's the one in "jail", not you. You have a choice as to how this goes... she's being drug along by her pain. Her behavior now won't be permanent if you keep showing her that you are listening, that you care, and that you're not going anywhere.
I know now just like you that a "friend" like that is a friend that is not needed by me in any situation.
I am sorry that you did have to lose a true friend. Remember that just because you fall does not mean you cannot rise up again, and those that do are the role models for how we should live. Find new friends, healthier friends, and become that role model for others.