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User Topic: Long- not sure what I'm looking for
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been a long time coming.

I donít really know where Iím going with this post exactly. Maybe Iím seeking support. Maybe I want commiseration. Maybe I just want to be heard. I havenít figured it out yet, but Iím going to keep typing and maybe some direction will begin to develop.

The last few months have been a whirlwind. In mid October, after a few successful (and crazy busy!) months of graduate school, I had to quit. I was making straight As! This was a hard decision because I really felt as though this was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It was a helping profession, which I feel a strong affinity for. As part of the program, I was slated to complete 2- 500 hour internships, which I knew about prior to applying to the school. However, on the schoolís webpage in the FAQs, a statement was made that ďlimited number of Saturday field placements available,Ē which I thought was perfect for me. I could complete my internship hours while continuing to work a full time job- as a single mother I could not afford to quit work. I interviewed and was placed in an agency and was all ready to continue when I found out the agency didnít have weekend hours. I was floored! I couldnít complete my hours without the ability to work weekend hours! After a few frantic emails I was told by the university that the internship was supposed to be completed by working 2 regular 8 hour days per week. For six months. And I had to do that twice, in the spring of 2014 and 2015. There was no way for me to be gone from my work that much. The university wouldnít be flexible- I was told ďwe have a policy and weíre going to stick with that.Ē Finally, I spoke to the program chair and learned the reasons for the policy [1)it affected the schoolís accreditation, and 2) the school wanted the students to be exposed to and competent in working with professionals from a multidisciplinary and varied staff] and learned that there was nothing to be done. The university wasnít budging. Work wouldnít budge. I couldnít afford to quit work. I had the option to complete the coursework and postpone the internships but I did not foresee my circumstances changing that much in the next couple of years to allow me to complete the internships. I couldnít continue taking on student loan debt to complete the coursework without the certainty of completing the internships. So, I had to quit school.

In the midst of all that, Iíve been dealing with DS. His kindergarten teacher has suspected for awhile that he has ADHD. The school has really pushed me to have him evaluated, although Iím not sure I want to jump to medication so Iím not sure what sticking a label on him will help, but I digress. I had him evaluated at the end of November at his pediatricianís office. His pediatrician, who is certified to evaluate for and diagnose ADHD, said he thought DS might have a ďmild case,Ē but hesitated to label him. He wanted him sent for a broader spectrum eval to test for a myriad of issues. He referred me to a local agency, who scheduled our appt for yesterday. The doctor there determined that DS is super smart, with a verbal IQ of 139 (he says this is the most accurate predictor of overall IQ without administering the full IQ test) and is in the 99.1 percentile in this area. He said that the average IQ is 100, at the 50th percentile. He said that it would almost be easier if DS wasnít so smart because his being so smart complicates things. Not sure what this means yet. The doctor has to write a final report, but in the meantime, I have to have him evaluated by an occupational therapist to determine his muscle tone and overall motor skills development-specifically, his teacher is concerned about a lack of fine motor skills. The doctor will get a developmental specialist involved as well. The final report will be given to me next month. Pending the final report, the doctor did say that he definitely sees ADHD and, ďis surprised that his teachers havenít been screaming at me,Ē to get him evaluated. This one has been screaming, along with the guidance counselor, and auxiliary teachers, etc. His preschool teacher didnít and somehow seemed to manage him better.

Also, since the separation from my exH, Iíve been living with my mom. My sister and her child also live there. Itís cramped, but doable. My sister turns up pregnant and is now looking for a place to live with her fiancť. Recently, my mom has also asked me to find another place to live. Without going into details, the relationship between us all is unhealthy and borderline dysfunctional. I donít make a lot of money so I was simply accepting the scenario as reality until I could afford to make a difference- which grad school was supposed to do. A compounding issue with finding my own place is that Iím starting all over. ExH took such poor care of our things during our separation that I took next to nothing away from the marriage. I have nothing except the furniture for DSí room with which to start all over. I know being independent and having my own place is the right thing to do, so Iím really okay with it, excited even. Iím stressed about finances, and it just stings a little that my mom doesnít want me around anymore and Iím trying to wrestle with the emotions of it and the logic of it all. Those usually donít reconcile too well.

As a result, Iím stressed and super sensitive lately. Iíve snapped at my mom. No effort seems good enough, even from SO who I absolutely adore. There is one very dear friend who has really been amazing throughout this and who is giving me TONS of house ware stuff that she and a relative want to clean out, so Iím very grateful and humbled by that. This friend affirmed me when I REALLY needed to hear a kind word; she is amazing and an awesome person who Iím so thankful is my friend. As to the rest, I want to withdraw from everyone and everything and just hibernate. I want to get away from everything and just be by myself. I want to escape. I want to push everything and everybody away until itís just me. Simultaneously, I want the people around me who care about me to smother me with contact, support, affirmation, distraction, something. Overall, I'm being left alone though, which is hard too, although it's seemingly what I want.

I donít really know what I need. It feels like everything I had envisioned for myself, this bright shiny future is crumbling around me. As a person who highly values stability, Iím not in a good place right now.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:57 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((abbycadabby))))) I just want you to know that I read your whole post and I think you did the right thing to let go of grad school (for now). You have enough other things to deal so this is just too much! Maybe one day you can go back to it but not right now...

It's OK. Take a deep breath and just take one day at a time.

Sending you healing thoughts...


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..(((((abby)))))

you have been given an opportunity to create that place of stability you highly value

As a person who highly values stability

..the task has been thrust upon you because you have recognized the need to get away from the dysfunctional home..

..it's the push you needed to embrace your new and improved life..

..the setting yourself up again can be done by visiting the Thrift stores.. from furniture to kitchen stuff, just about everything... and rock bottom prices if money's tight.

..it's going to take a little time but motivate yourself to take your leap of faith ... you got this!!! you can DO this. You're strong and determined to finally take charge of your next life!!

..OK... .. was this what you were looking for???? hope you can find your stride in this shitstorm we've had to endure!!

..give it all you've got abby..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man - while not the same circumstances - but i can totally understand the feeling that life is just out to get you. No matter how hard you try - you get knocked down at each road.

It's defeating, and its deflating. Makes you wonder what the hell is the point of it all.

I feel for you - its a horrible place to feel stuck at.

Work wouldnít budge. I couldnít afford to quit work. I had the option to complete the coursework and postpone the internships but I did not foresee my circumstances changing that much in the next couple of years to allow me to complete the internships.

Just a thought, but could you find a job that would give you weekend hours? I know its not ideal for sure, but ideal and what you need to do to move forward with life sometimes are 2 very different things? Could you look while you work right now?

Could you transfer your credits to another college that does allow for weekend hours?

I had him evaluated at the end of November at his pediatricianís office. His pediatrician, who is certified to evaluate for and make a diagnosis of ADHD, said he thought DS might have a ďmild case,Ē but hesitated to label him.

I have mild ADHD, though it wasn't diagnosed until recently. Looking back and talking with my mom and dad, it was always there. They just figured I was a very active girl, always doing something, always running, always just go go go.

I am REALLY glad that my parents thought that way, rather then put me on meds. I don't think I would have functioned well on meds.

My teachers would just give me more challenging things (of course, its been 20 years, so they may not do that anymore). I would get my regular classwork, and then the teacher would give me 'extra' that would keep me busy. I loved it. One, it made me feel special, and smart. Two, it gave me a wider girth of learning. I was able to go to the library (no internet back then LOL) and just read and get the information.

My reading teacher would give me special book titles so that i could read them at home and do a report on them. My parents LOVED this because during the school year I was always easily located in the recliner with the book LOL.

I think the trick is to find what he can focus on and play on that. Reading and Learning - i could sit all day long for that. But it had to be interesting and it had to challenge me.

Recently, my mom has also asked me to find another place to live.

Ugg...talk about being kicked while you are down.

The only thing you can do here is to start looking. Look into help, like HUD or Rent Assistance if you qualify. Not forever, but for now.

Iím stressed about finances, and it just stings a little that my mom doesnít want me around anymore and Iím trying to wrestle with the emotions of it and the logic of it all.

Put yourself in her spot for a minute and try to see where she is coming from. I would like to hope to hell that I will be able to put my kids back into the house if needed, when they are adults. But, gosh, both kids plus their families....sometimes its just to much.

I would be willing to bet that your mom asked you because she knows you are more capbable of being on your own and out there.

She may be paying you more of a compliment then trying to hurt you.

As a result, Iím stressed and super sensitive lately. Iíve snapped at my mom. No effort seems good enough, even from SO who I absolutely adore.

It is ALWAYS easy to snap at the ones you love. You can put your guard down with them, and usually that results in taking things out on them.

Work on this. If you need to actually have a bucket at the door that you 'drop' your troubles into everyday - then do it.

I want to get away from everything and just be by myself. I want to escape. I want to push everything and everybody away until itís just me.

EVERYONE wants this sometimes. And there is nothing wrong with it. it seems backwards, but maybe find a cheap motel for an over night. Get out first thing on Saturday morning and do things for YOU, with only YOU. Check in and hibernate, watch your shows, go swimming if they have it, read, whatever. Go out to breakfast the next morning. Just recharge.

But dont do it all the time, and dont push so hard that people don't want to come back.


Just remember to breathe. This is not the end. You will get through it, and it will get better.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could say about a million things. But I'm going to condense it into one simple thing that you know comes from the heart.


(((((((((((((((((AbbyCadabby)))))))))))))))))))

Burn a candle, turn out the bathroom lights, sink into the bubble bath, and rest. That is your assignment tonight.

Take care of you. Gain your strength. Then you can attack the rest, a wee bit at a time.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6300 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you healing thoughts...

Thank you.

..it's the push you needed to embrace your new and improved life..

..give it all you've got abby..

I needed to hear this. Thank you!

Just a thought, but could you find a job that would give you weekend hours?

I'm so close to being vested at my current job that I couldn't just walk away. It affects retirement contributions, leave accrual, etc. I'm almost 10 years into this thing.

I think the trick is to find what he can focus on and play on that.

Good idea. He likes to read. Maybe that would work. He's currently in a private school which I will no longer be able to afford when I'm out on my own. So, I'm kinda stuck with what the public schools in this area can provide for him.

Put yourself in her spot for a minute and try to see where she is coming from. I would like to hope to hell that I will be able to put my kids back into the house if needed, when they are adults. But, gosh, both kids plus their families....sometimes its just to much.

Oh, yes! I can TOTALLY see her side. I GET it. She has been amazing to have let us live there this long. I appreciate her taking me in so that I could leave my exH. I hold no grudge toward her, at all, LOGICALLY. Emotionally, I'm struggling with feelings of rejection.


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could say about a million things. But I'm going to condense it into one simple thing that you know comes from the heart

Aww. I iz so speshul if anti-hugs Aubrie's giving me a hug!

Seriously though, you rock. I appreciate you so so much.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:12 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((abbycadabby))) Yeah, sometimes it does feel as if the whole world strikes you when you're down.

Re: your DS. I spent some of my early working life as a teacher and one year,I had a diagnosed ADHD kid in my class--a kid who was diagnosed BECAUSE he was disruptive in other classes. When he started my class and became disruptive, I found that playing to his strengths was a huge success. He'd never been praised for anything in school before and he was sure the only attention he would get was negative. I taught my kids how to craft fiction, and I saw a spark of real creativity in this boy's stories. So I praised them. Wow! Halfway through the school year, he was able to come off his meds. I was able to speak with his teacher the following year and suggest she handle him similarly. Now I'm not saying this would help with your son--and certainly not every teacher is open to individual attention (though they should be), but it is indicative of what can be done, like in Undefinabl3's case. Try suggesting that to DS's teacher, though, and you'll probably be faced with stony resistance because you are then telling her how to do her job. Sigh.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 10:20 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you lynn. You seem like an awesome teacher! I'll see if I can uncover his talents/strengths and try to play to them.

His teacher says as the work gets harder, he's getting increasingly frustrated. He complains about his hand hurting when he writes too much. Simple writing tasks take him over an hour to complete. He tantrums when he doesn't want to do something. It's just difficult.


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and dont push so hard that people don't want to come back.

I meant to respond to this a bit ago. I'm so afraid of this.


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
pmal64
♀ Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

abby- about your son's hand hurting when he writes... an excersize I learned when my DD was in K4 (the kiddos were learning to write) was to let them cut a sheet of paper with scissors. like, cut it to bits, til it can't be cut anymore. a piece of paper a day or so.

it strengthens the muscles the teacher told us.
couldn't hurt to try? and most children LOVE to cut with scissors!


editted to add:

big hugs to you!

[This message edited by pmal64 at 12:03 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-50
fWH -54

Posts: 576 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was your son and I was constantly in trouble in Kindergarten through third grade. No one used the words ADD back then but I spent A LOT of time in the corner. If I hadn't been a girl I'm sure I would have also spent A LOT of time getting licks.

My teachers handled it by separating me from the class and giving me extra work to do that somehow they got me to believe was "helping" them. I dunno but that worked. I just remember being SO BORED and I had all this excess energy that I just didn't know what to do with. Your kid is probably TOO smart to be in the class he's in. He may need a school for the gifted.

I'm so sorry about your graduate studies. Hopefully something will change or give for you to be able to complete them.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

abby- about your son's hand hurting when he writes... an excersize I learned when my DD was in K4 (the kiddos were learning to write) was to let them cut a sheet of paper with scissors. like, cut it to bits, til it can't be cut anymore. a piece of paper a day or so.

Yeah. We've had incidents with scissors at school that I don't care to repeat. But maybe I could try it at home. Also, the occupational therapist should be able to give us some other tips.

My teachers handled it by separating me from the class and giving me extra work to do that somehow they got me to believe was "helping" them.

He seems to enjoy being helper. We'll see if we can't get something like that going.

I'm so sorry about your graduate studies. Hopefully something will change or give for you to be able to complete them.

Thank you. I haven't given up on the idea of obtaining an advanced degree. I guess it's just not the right time for me.

ETA: a lot of my current emotions come from feeling as though I'm in limbo regarding school/career options. I despise limbo. The problem comes from having interests that are many and varied combined with natural tendency toward indecisiveness. Can't someone just TELL me what I'd be good at?!?!

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 3:52 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby. While I read your post I didn't have time to read all the responses.
You are right where you are supposed to be in life. You weren't able to finish school right now because there are other things you have to focus on.

On the issue of the kiddo. Don't hesitate to have a label or medicate. It's much better to be labeled ADHD and be on meds than to be know as the super spazzy trouble making problem kid. From someone who has btdt and had a kid in the same sitch it really can make a world of difference, when a super smart kid can think and be still.

I was the ADHD learning disabled kid who struggled and worked their tail off for every decent grade I ever had. my son is super smart with ADHD and walks the aspie spectrum. He does well in school and is happy with life. Meds are good for people that need them.

Gettin a fresh start even of its not how you pictured is still an opportunity for growth and change. It may not be what you pictures but that doesn't mean it's bad.

Stay strong.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby. While I read your post I didn't have time to read all the responses.
You are right where you are supposed to be in life. You weren't able to finish school right now because there are other things you have to focus on.

On the issue of the kiddo. Don't hesitate to have a label or medicate. It's much better to be labeled ADHD and be on meds than to be know as the super spazzy trouble making problem kid. From someone who has btdt and had a kid in the same sitch it really can make a world of difference, when a super smart kid can think and be still.

I was the ADHD learning disabled kid who struggled and worked their tail off for every decent grade I ever had. my son is super smart with ADHD and walks the aspie spectrum. He does well in school and is happy with life. Meds are good for people that need them.

Gettin a fresh start even of its not how you pictured is still an opportunity for growth and change. It may not be what you pictures but that doesn't mean it's bad.

Stay strong.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you tushnurse. I was hoping to hear from you. What you said really helps. Particularly the statement about my being right where I'm supposed to be.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that it would almost be easier if DS wasnít so smart because his being so smart complicates things.

When I read this I immediately thought of my nephew, who was both ADHD and very intelligent. That seems to be a double whammy in schools because he was often bored and then also not able to "contain" himself when he was bored. So you and his teachers will have to work extra hard to keep him engaged.

THe good news is that my nephew is now a productive adult and a wife and family. But he did have a really tough time in school.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17684 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
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