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User Topic: Dilemma
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really not sure what to do about this.

Just some background.

Some of you may remember my daughter having issues at the bus stop with one girl "L". There are two other girls there that started ignoring my daughter because of this mess. Since this stopped (L is no longer at the bus stop) the other girls are a bit nicer to my daughter.

Now for my dilemma...

I just received a text message from the other girls mother. She was offered a job and she has to be at work at a certain time which is before the bus arrives. The girls are too young to be by themselves (oldest is in the 4th grade, youngest is in 1st grade).

The mom is asking me if I can get her girls on the bus in the mornings, maybe two or three mornings during the week.

Typically I don't mind helping out; however, the way the girls treat my daughter makes me want to say no right off the bat. The other thing is that my mornings are pretty hectic with trying to get DD7 ready and most times she's running late so I drive her to school. I guess if I do this I could give all three girls a ride, but I just keep going back to the way DD7 was treated when she did nothing to anyone.

The other thing is that I'm also looking for a job and if I find one (hopefully soon) I will not be a resource for her to use.

I know, "don't hold grudges, be the bigger person" etc...

I just don't know what to do.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 11:13 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just say no. It is not your problem. Her kids are not your responsibility.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Jun 2007
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd tell her that you're looking for a job and when you find one, would be unavailable. It's completely fair for you to say you don't feel you can commit to this because you won't be able to follow through long term.

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2013
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the school have beforecare? Maybe suggest she should look into that.

You can always tell her that, if your child is staying home sick, then she would be stuck at the last minute.

Another option is telling her that you are not comfortable doing this.


Posts: 35837 | Registered: Mar 2011
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'm sorry, that isn't going to work for me. Good luck!"

That's all you need to say.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
20Hopeful16
♀ Member
Member # 40487
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know its hard because we always feel like we should help everyone out (or maybe I'm just projecting here...) but its okay to say no. You have a lot of good reasons not to do it, none of which you need to get into with her unless you want to. A simple, "I'm sorry but I really can't do that for you right now" is fine.


Me: BS (39)
Three Beautiful Children 12,9,5
DD: 8/24/13
Heading for divorce
Moving on with life

Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2013
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"No."
It is a complete sentance. You can say it politely, but you really don't owe this woman any explanations.

Her children are not your responsibility.
Not only that, but gawd forbid you have to drive the kids to school on one of those days you're running late. Let's say something happens such as a minor fender bender. I would not want to be liable for someone else's kids.

"No, but I hope you find some arrangement that works for you."


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6525 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with just saying that it is not feasible for you to do it and you can't help.

Short and sweet. She'll figure something out, like all parents do.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37994 | Registered: Sep 2007
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!

You can always tell her that, if your child is staying home sick, then she would be stuck at the last minute.

This is a big concern, too. My daughter does get sick often and we were all just sick last week.

but gawd forbid you have to drive the kids to school on one of those days you're running late. Let's say something happens such as a minor fender bender. I would not want to be liable for someone else's kids.

The school is around the corner. I have walked there a number of times, but that would be awful if that happened.

I did respond to her.

I said "Hey S! Congratulations on the new job! Where is it (so I can avoid it)? What are you going to be doing? (I'm trying to keep it sounding friendly ) I wish I could help out, but I'm also looking for work. I would hate to leave you scrambling to find someone when I go back. I feel awful saying no, I know how hard it is to find someone you can trust to watch your kids. The school has a before school program. I'm not sure if that's an option for you. Again, I'm sorry I can't help out at this time

Probably more than what was needed.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
osxgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was a great response. Even though you owed her no more than a simple "no", the reality is this is a neighbor you will continue to have to deal with in the future. And she is the parent of kids your DD will continue to have to see and deal with in the future. Being nice and giving an explanation to help ward off any possible bad feelings is a good, diplomatic way to help keep the waters smooth in the future.

I know the situation has been rough for your DD. Coming from someone who went through similar (and much worse) situations growing up, if you help her look at it the right way, it can be a very helpful and valuable learning experience. She will run into people that act cruel for unknown reasons her entire life. Learning early how to deal with it and not let it affect the way she sees/feels about herself is invaluable. Just make sure she really internalizes the knowledge that when others act that way (and she hasn't done anything to instigate it), it really is about them and not her.


Posts: 2405 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was perfect.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done, SD.

(ps - tossing in some mojo for your job search)


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25714 | Registered: Aug 2011
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, osxgirl. That's what I wanted, to try and keep this cordial with the neighbor.

That's the important thing. I don't want her to feel like she did anything wrong. That whole situation was messed up. I still don't understand it. I think that girl moved, she hasn't been at the bus stop since before Christmas break.

Thanks for the support everyone and thanks for the mojo NIK


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 13

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