2 ˝ wks ago, WH found out some mind-blowing information about his FOO that has had immense lifelong repercussions ---for him & our family.
And, of course, it has a lot to do with why he chose to have an A.
The day he found out, I suggested that he talk , at length, with his brother about it. He is usually in touch with his brother a couple of times per week. I am sure that his brother has more information, & that they can help each other work thru it. When our MC heard the new information, 9 days ago, he gave WH a HW assignment----to talk to his brother about this.
Surprise, surprise, surprise. WH has not gotten around to making that happen yet.
If he really wanted to get to the bottom of this, he would have made it happen.
One step forward, 2 steps back.
Actions speak louder than words. This action ( or lack of) tells me that it is just not that important to him.
I am still struggling with codependency.
I see that I am still trying to push WH to get to the bottom of his issues, & he still seems to be dragging his feet. If he were truly remorseful, he would not need pushing---he would be motivated to get answers, on his own.
I am angry. Don't I have a right to ask that WH "do the work"? He seems to do just enough so that nobody can say he isn't doing anything. He has made progress since Dday, but it is as slow as molasses.
I know that the answer is that I have to focus on healing myself, but am not sure how to do that.
I struggle with this too and am not there yet, But now my eyes are more open, I see my WBF's closed behaviour about certain issues and I can sense the underlying feelings that he can't. It just makes me sad.
But then I think, this is true of all of us and no-one is ever 100% fixed so we have compassion and learn to live with each others' baggage. The issue for us BS's is the fear that they will repeat their behaviour.
The #1 question is: why he doesn't want to look at his issues?
Nice post Katie!
Bottom line is, people cope. Often they cope badly. Your H, mchercheur, sounds a lot like mine. I used to use the word oblivious a lot too, but now I use the word denial. My H is very comfortable using the coping skill of denial. TBH, it's not an entirely bad skill, in the short term, but too often it's insufficient for the long term, and repressed feelings can resurface at the worst times culminating in bad behaviors like infidelity.
I firmly believe that a WS should face their "why". I also firmly believe that a BS cannot force them to do it. However, I also eventually came to believe that some waywards will never truly face their why. Here is the answer to your question: It's just too painful. They might be able to come up with a general idea of their why, but the deepest darkest pain inside them may never be dealt with completely. Therapy might help, if they were willing to go, but again "you can lead a horse to water....".
I understand how frustrated you feel. Been there, got stuck there, done that. It wasn't until I was able to let go of hoping he could change that I was able to move forward. I had to accept that this is who he is and I could love him that way, drive myself crazy, or leave.
I also realized that my H could supposedly "fix" this thing about him, but it still didn't guarantee he wouldn't cheat again. Nothing (except maybe death) could guarantee that.
Now, I guess you could say that I settled. For years it sure seemed like I was settling (but this was my issue). But really, although my H did not do all that I asked, after his infidelity, he did do many good and necessary things to calm my fears. I had to decide it was enough and love him as is. So that's what I have done. And we are happy.
I recommend a book called "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It's about toxic shame, which may be your H's issue. You may not be able to get your H to read it, but it may help you understand him better.
This action ( or lack of) tells me that it is just not that important to him.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
If you want to know what the info he found out was, it is in this thread:
Maybe he's scared to know more?
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."
Here is the answer to your question: It's just too painful.
Hopeful, I am determined to keep this family together until we get our last 2 kids launched.
I still love him, but once we have an empty nest, I don't know if I will stay if he doesn't do more work than this.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:24 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]