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Newest Member: madboomer (44576)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: You can lead a horse to water….
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but you can’t force him to look at his issues. Someone who has a lifelong habit of burying his head in the sand is going to tend to continue doing just that.

2 ˝ wks ago, WH found out some mind-blowing information about his FOO that has had immense lifelong repercussions ---for him & our family.
And, of course, it has a lot to do with why he chose to have an A.
The day he found out, I suggested that he talk , at length, with his brother about it. He is usually in touch with his brother a couple of times per week. I am sure that his brother has more information, & that they can help each other work thru it. When our MC heard the new information, 9 days ago, he gave WH a HW assignment----to talk to his brother about this.

Surprise, surprise, surprise. WH has not gotten around to making that happen yet.
If he really wanted to get to the bottom of this, he would have made it happen.

One step forward, 2 steps back.

Actions speak louder than words. This action ( or lack of) tells me that it is just not that important to him.

I am still struggling with codependency.
I see that I am still trying to push WH to get to the bottom of his issues, & he still seems to be dragging his feet. If he were truly remorseful, he would not need pushing---he would be motivated to get answers, on his own.

I am angry. Don't I have a right to ask that WH "do the work"? He seems to do just enough so that nobody can say he isn't doing anything. He has made progress since Dday, but it is as slow as molasses.

I know that the answer is that I have to focus on healing myself, but am not sure how to do that.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mchercheur))) I'm right there with you. Yep, you can't make them do anything.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the frustrating thing. But as you grow you will be able to survive and be less dependent.

I struggle with this too and am not there yet, But now my eyes are more open, I see my WBF's closed behaviour about certain issues and I can sense the underlying feelings that he can't. It just makes me sad.

But then I think, this is true of all of us and no-one is ever 100% fixed so we have compassion and learn to live with each others' baggage. The issue for us BS's is the fear that they will repeat their behaviour.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 413 | Registered: Nov 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH's lifelong obliviousness (combined with inability to communicate) was the main reason (for his part of) why our M got to such a low point(my part was very poor self esteem/martyr tendency/not standing up for myself/not using my voice/harboring resentment & not communicating).
All it took was a sense of entitlement & when the opportunity arose, he went for it & had an A.

The #1 question is: why he doesn't want to look at his issues?


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But then I think, this is true of all of us and no-one is ever 100% fixed so we have compassion and learn to live with each others' baggage. The issue for us BS's is the fear that they will repeat their behaviour.

Nice post Katie!

Bottom line is, people cope. Often they cope badly. Your H, mchercheur, sounds a lot like mine. I used to use the word oblivious a lot too, but now I use the word denial. My H is very comfortable using the coping skill of denial. TBH, it's not an entirely bad skill, in the short term, but too often it's insufficient for the long term, and repressed feelings can resurface at the worst times culminating in bad behaviors like infidelity.

I firmly believe that a WS should face their "why". I also firmly believe that a BS cannot force them to do it. However, I also eventually came to believe that some waywards will never truly face their why. Here is the answer to your question: It's just too painful. They might be able to come up with a general idea of their why, but the deepest darkest pain inside them may never be dealt with completely. Therapy might help, if they were willing to go, but again "you can lead a horse to water....".

I understand how frustrated you feel. Been there, got stuck there, done that. It wasn't until I was able to let go of hoping he could change that I was able to move forward. I had to accept that this is who he is and I could love him that way, drive myself crazy, or leave.

I also realized that my H could supposedly "fix" this thing about him, but it still didn't guarantee he wouldn't cheat again. Nothing (except maybe death) could guarantee that.

Now, I guess you could say that I settled. For years it sure seemed like I was settling (but this was my issue). But really, although my H did not do all that I asked, after his infidelity, he did do many good and necessary things to calm my fears. I had to decide it was enough and love him as is. So that's what I have done. And we are happy.

I recommend a book called "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It's about toxic shame, which may be your H's issue. You may not be able to get your H to read it, but it may help you understand him better.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1741 | Registered: Oct 2007
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This action ( or lack of) tells me that it is just not that important to him.
Maybe. Given that it was such a dramatic and impactful revelation, his actions may mean something else. Maybe he's scared to know more? Stuck on digesting what he learned? In shock? Is he able to tell you why he hasn't called?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24720 | Registered: Aug 2011
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he just hasn't gotten around to it....blah blah blah.

If you want to know what the info he found out was, it is in this thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=519048

Maybe he's scared to know more?

Probably


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopefullromantic: that was great. thank you.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4675 | Registered: Dec 2010
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the answer to your question: It's just too painful.

yes^^^^^^this

Hopeful, I am determined to keep this family together until we get our last 2 kids launched.
I still love him, but once we have an empty nest, I don't know if I will stay if he doesn't do more work than this.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:24 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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