However, in this case I totally agree that a RA is a horrible idea.
My first question though, is this pototential OW married or in a relationship herself? I lose every ounce of respect and I mean every ounce for any BS who could even THINK of being part of causing the same pain to some other unknowing BS.
So assuming that this person is not in a relationship, and just wants to be part of a cheap attempt to get revenge on your SO. Getting revenge will not improve your relationship with your wife or SO (don't know if you are married...don't know your story). I think the real question should be is there any chance to save your relationship with the WS and do you want to do that? If the answer to either question is yes, then the RA will make the situation more complicated, and more ugly, and make reconciliation less likely.
If, on the other hand, you want to end it with your SO, then end it. That in itself can be good revenge, especially if the SO does not want to end it.
And then go and have relationships with anybody you want (provided they are not "taken" themselves, of course).
Secondly, and more importantly, (for me at least)...MY integrity and morality is part of the fabric of my being. My self esteem has already taken such a huge hit with my H's ONS that I cannot imagine adding "cheater, whore, liar" to the list of self depreciating comments my dark thought say about myself. It's bad enough to feel like I am not enough. At least I know on my WORST day I am a better human being than the OW on her best day. I can hold my head up and know I am a good, loving, compassionate, LOYAL person. I refuse to destroy that.
His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
OW was exWW's "good friend" she had, in the past made comments that were flirty. ExWW said "oh she just a big flirt"
I would have felt horrible, hell I felt horrible the first couple times I slept with women after D.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
I was never tempted but I can see how others could be. Affairs damage self-esteem. It's nice to be desired by someone else and validation that the A didn't happen because you were unlovable.
Why make a BS out of your WS, when being a BS is such a difficult road? Why make an AP out of yourself or someone else, when that is such a difficult road.
You know where that road goes, you know the destination sucks, so why on earth would you go there?
Just because my WS wanted to act like he wasn't, doesn't release me from my commitment. If I want to screw someone else, I'll D my H first.
Do you want to become all that you hate about your WS? If you have an RA, you will.
A revenge affair is entering into an A with FULL knowledge of its wide sweeping consequences. You already know how much destruction they carry with them. What makes it worse, is that you are entering into that destruction with your eyes wide open. It's a willful, rebellious and self destructive act.
If the answer to either question is yes, then the RA will make the situation more complicated, and more ugly, and make reconciliation less likely.
MY integrity and morality is part of the fabric of my being. My self esteem has already taken such a huge hit with my H's ONS that I cannot imagine adding "cheater, whore, liar" to the list of self depreciating comments my dark thought say about myself. It's bad enough to feel like I am not enough. At least I know on my WORST day I am a better human being than the OW on her best day. I can hold my head up and know I am a good, loving, compassionate, LOYAL person. I refuse to destroy that.
because it doesn't make things even, it makes things worse.
Simple answer---I'm MARRIED.
You do not want to have the same shame and guilt that remorseful WS's have. We will forever carry a very dark spot in our hearts that will never go away. Trust me. Don't go there, its not worth it, its really really not.
DDay: Christmas Time 2012
In Home separation for a year, S for 3 months.now back together and healing
She has childhood issues that she only began to address after the affair.
R'ing going very well
Listen to your WS and read the Wayward forum, they are dealing with so much inner turmoil on who they are and why they did it. They are faced with guilt and the realization that their selfishness gutted another human being and may destroy their family. Why enter that world when you are strong enough or healthy enough to make a choice not to?
it is pointless to further damage something you are trying to fix
^^^^THIS Piling more crap on the shit pile only makes a bigger shit pile.
You say you have had opportunity but have always walked away. Why would you want to go against your own apparent core values?
As it stands, you've got nothing to apologize for, or feel deceitful for.
I was tempted....VERY tempted. But I am married....if I want to be with another woman...I will D first. How many of us would have welcomed that choice by our fWS over the weak choice they made?
You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life....there is no choice in that. If you decide adultery is a deal breaker for you, you CAN choose to leave your wife. If adultery IS a deal breaker for you.....why do it for and to yourself? You can never escape you.
I have never read or seen posted how rewarding a RA actually turned out to be....only seen more destruction. I follow one SI members journey closely....affairs on both sides.....they are struggling MORE in their M MORE than those who "just" had one spouse cheat.
With regards to your opportunity to have an A......it is an option for most all people....regardless of physical attractiveness (my wifes fAP was a dumpy middle-aged man, father of 5...hardly society's definition of a stud), financial or social status.
Just look at this site....look around the community you live in to prove that having an A is hardly dependent on anything but two willing people to engage in it.......it is NOT about anyone else but the single person deciding to have an affair. It isnt even about the AP....it really is an individual decision. Need further proof? Look at some high profile adultery examples....look at the varied discrepancies in AP's.
What inside YOU makes you contemplate a RA?
You don't owe me that answer...you owe it to yourself.
Since RA was a temptation for me as well, I did some looking....discovered that I very much have the desire to be with other women.....I took vows and I had boundaries in place to reduce the level of "opportunity" and keep those vows intact....but as I examined myself I could see A being chosen as an option for me. I think I was relying too heavily on boundaries and not putting as much stock into maturing, growing, nurturing what needs to be done within me. Kind of like I was treating the symptoms and not the cause. Make sense?
It is scary at first, to realize some of the reasons behind my boundary establishments (that they were NOT purely in place out of love for my wife, but as a defense against my own sinful nature)....but then I found strength in identifying a weakness in me, the root causes. I can now work on those root causes in healthy ways.....now that I am aware of temptations within me.
One way is turning towards my wife for that which I am tempted to look outside of my M for. This is part of the factor in my journey away from porn.
Turning towards our spouses with our needs. How many of us wished our spouses had the courage to do that when they "noticeable lack of courage" when they choose to have an affair?
Stay strong. Find courage.
If nothing else....tell yourself you can always sleep with other women, have relationships with other women IF your M ends in D. Kinda weak-kneed approach to R, but it was a technique I used to get me through some really really really tempting spots along my journey.....
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:33 AM, January 24th (Friday)]
Also, regardless of your status of reconciliation, divorce, separation, limbo, etc., there is only one person that you are guaranteed that you will have to live with and answer to for the rest of your life: you.
Kudos to you for posting out here for feedback, instead of diving straight down that slippery slope.
You are doing well to recognize your feelings but NOT acting on them until you ferret out what the root cause is. I also applaud your desire to put these feelings "out there". Again, this is NOT what a WS minded person would do....you are not a WS, yet.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:39 AM, January 24th (Friday)]
I would just end my M, and move on. Seek a better future with and pray for wisdom, strength, resiliency, and guidance to find a faithful partner.
I am a firm believer that the best revenge is to live well.
I don't expect you to understand my reasons, I just hope you have the desire to heal and find yourself in a position to find out that no one can make you happy but yourself.
Others are hurt and damage by life circumstances, choose to break the cycle and become the better man.
BTW, it is easier said than done, yet if you do happiness awaits.
[This message edited by suchislife01 at 8:48 AM, January 24th (Friday)]
If you want to have sex with another person, then just get a divorce. Why bother trying to R if the thought of having sex with this coworker is so appealing? Either you want to be married..or you don't. There is no inbetween. That this OW has approached you..and the two of you have discussed having sex with each other..well..you have already crossed the line. You are flying down the slippery slope. STOP. Be a man of integrity. Is OW married? Do you want to be the OM?
A bit of a side note...you said..
"I have been told by quite a few women that I'm good looking, and have been "hit on" numerous times over the years and have never taken any of it seriously. I've always thought it was the booze or loneliness or that they had some other motivation, so I would laugh it off."
That sounds like if you had thought their motivation had been genuine,not the booze or whatever, you wouldn't have laughed it off. So, maybe you have been open to having an affair for awhile now,long before your dday, you just didn't act on it because you weren't sure if they were serious. It really shouldn't matter what their motivation is. YOU are married. Who cares what their motivation was?
It sounds like you have been tempted for a long time. Revenge affair or not, it's still cheating, it's still betrayal. It is an act of cruelty. Don't do that to your WW. Don't do it to yourself.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:03 AM, January 24th (Friday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.