Happens all the time. I stabbed him with a fork, but the butcher knife was in my other hand, hidden behind my back.
Are you wanting my reasons for my "hypocrisy"?
eta- word choice so as someone would not think it was a sarcastic comment
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 7:31 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]
You know Jana, most every authoritative book, from NJF to ATA, observes that the BH on average is more affected by the PA while BWs are more affected by the EA.
The generalizations are really irritating.
What one person can work thru and forgive, another cannot. What one person is willing to swallow, another will not.
I was cheated on numerous times in a previous relationship. Yeah he was "just" a boyfriend. He banged every girl in the county. I'm sure you'll tell me it wasn't a serious relationship, I was young, blah-freaking-blah. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Now put that on a husband level? Hell no.
That's the short version. For me it's a dealbreaker. Period.
Some people call it hypocrisy. I call it my boundaries.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
This is a valid subject that many people in R have or do struggle with. As the OP is wanting to R, no guidelines are being broken.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
...most every authoritative book, from NJF to ATA, observes that the BH on average is more affected by the PA while BWs are more affected by the EA.
First of all, I don't think bdell is advocating for a revenge affair. That of course implies a revenge motive which is nowhere to be found in his posts.
Because a RA would make you (general sense) one evil individual. To KNOW the pain that you went through, and then to intentionally inflict that pain on your spouse is cruel. IMO, it's worse than the original A.
I am aware that no one experiences pain and betrayal the same be they male or female, whether the affair is PA, EA, LTA or a ONS. It isn't a pissing competition - we are different. Our pain is different, all I do know is that the betrayal by the one who I loved and trusted above anyone, who I was loyal too and who I would have given my life for has destroyed part of me at my core. This betrayal has struck at my heart, my ego, my health and my spirit.
I cannot imagine inflicting this kind of pain on anyone deliberately. I sure don't think an RA would. In some ways it would be worse. It would be a calculated decision on my part to inflict pain and suffering at the deepest level on someone I vowed to love, be faithful too and to honour.
I guess knowing there was someone out there who found me attractive and wanted me would really only impact my ego. It would perhaps soothe my ego, but it would destroy my soul in the process. I don't ever want to find I am capable of destroying another person for no other reason than to get revenge and soothe my ego.
[This message edited by avicarswife at 8:22 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]
So, a drunk driver kills my son and I feel pretty good about doing the same thing to him. Yeah, the problem resides in me.
This is YOUR issue OP, fix it so that it reflects YOUR values, not your wife's
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
Best wishes whatever you decide to do with your wife. I can't give a lot of advice on reconciling, if any. I'm divorced.
I made my Vows to the loyal, loving woman I married.
An example of our interaction: She once (6 or 7 years ago) told another female employee that I was the only man in the department that she really wanted. I answered that it was because I was the only man in the department that never took her seriously. Since then, she rarely flirts with me,
It sounds like you were able to stick up for your boundaries 6 or 7 years ago and that's a good thing.
and only did so now because she somehow got wind of my situation.
What have the interactions been like lately? What did she say that you became aware of her willingness to have an affair with you, and how did you respond? With the way she acts, is it plausible that she's done things with other coworkers, and this is why their wives are angry?
This whole thread is based on my troubling situation regarding sex with my wife. If I could somehow enjoy sex with her , without the "mind movies" this subject would never have come up.
This is the real issue, and it seems like you know a RA wouldn't make it better. So let's acknowledge THIS pain: sex with your wife hurts you right now. It reminds you of what you've lost. And that is totally normal and understandable.
My heart is on the ground, and I cannot see a positive future. I do not want sex with another woman, whether it is a stranger or the stranger that my wife has become. I want sex with the wife that I married.
This is the heart of your pain. How can you mourn this? How can you process your grief? And how can you make your wife aware of your suffering and ask her for support?
And when I remember how sex was before, it makes me very sad and very angry. That is when I start to think about the unfairness of it all and why should I remain faithful to her when she didn't to me. Sex is a necessary part of a marriage, but in my case , it has also become a trigger, of itself. My heart is on the ground, and I cannot see a positive future. I do not want sex with another woman, whether it is a stranger or the stranger that my wife has become. I want sex with the wife that I married.
Now THIS ^^^^^ I can relate to!
But- I don't think you really want to have sex with the woman you M as THAT woman was capable of having sex with someone else.
If your WW is remorseful and full of guilt and prepared to walk over hot coals (several times over for years if that is what it takes)to repair the evil that she did to you then she cannot ever be the wife that you M. She will be different if she gets IC and will be a wife who will NEVER think an A (or having sex with someone else) other than you is appropriate!
Surely that kind of wife is the one that you really want?
You are getting a lot of 'triggery' responses as there are some of us who think that having sex with somebody else outside of your spouse is wrong- regardless of whether the spouse is aware or otherwise... there are some on here who's spouse says they can't leave the OP alone and is sleeping with the AP still.... I agree with the analogies above that it's like getting drunk and killing someone in the drunk driver's family.
You admit your heart is on the floor but by sleeping with another you are then transferring the same pain onto your wife.
I cannot speak for mad hatters but I have seen some on here where the RA (or however you wish to phrase it) is the very thing that ends the M as the WS turned BS cannot accept the fact they have been cheated on.
All food for thought but I urge you to not even keep this thought in your head if you are trying to R. Not because you aren't allowed to have a 'get out' if you need one initially but because entertaining the (honest) possibility that you may or may not sleep with a colleague is how WS's thinking start down the slippery slope.
I am speaking as someone who also could not get with the hysterical bonding as I couldn't bear FWH to touch me knowing he'd had sex with a co-worker!
It took a long time for that issue to resolve and sometimes you need professional help.
I am also curious as to how you would then be placed on here... would you be a WS/ BS or a mad hatter or would you have to be viewed as a non remourseful WS as you went ahead after we all urged you not to?
And yes- I have re-read this thread and I hear what you are saying and that you are asking whether having sex with someone else with the full knowledge of your W is something that is feasible.
I don't have the answer to that but I will say this- your WW isn't the first who offered up this option to their BS as a way of either evening the score or to get the punishment they believe they deserve etc.
I hope those WS's who have done so can offer some insights for you or that those BS's who were offered this 'payback' will post.
I think I do need to take a step back from your post now though, sorry.
[This message edited by Bdell at 11:07 AM, January 26th (Sunday)]
xh was often up front about who he was "seeing." Meaning he told me he was seeing so-and-so whether I liked it or not, end trans... and in his mind, him doing it that way somehow gave him a clear conscious to go fuck who he wanted. I'm really glad he felt okay about it. Didn't hurt me or his crying children any less but hey, as long as he was good. (And yes, all but one of his OW were coworkers.)
Dude. Don't be that guy. Please. If it's a dealbreaker (totally okay) and you want out, do both of you a favor and go.
Her A only defines the marriage if you let it. It was hard for me to not let one night ruin my whole marriage. I felt like all 12 years that I have known my Fwh was a lie. One big fat lie. It wasn't. If you want to R, you have to quit looking at the situation the way you are right now. Focus on her actions NOW. Is she still behaving like a wayward? Or is she acting like "the woman you married"?
Find a way to get past the mind movies. For me, I pictured the prostitute (whose face is a mystery to me) as the derpy hiena from the lion king. Or better, I changed the channel. I pictured some of my favorite escapades my husband and I have had over the years. When that doesn't work, I turn on the light and look at him. I focus on the NOW. What's happening NOW.