That is the same rationalization and justification many of our spouses had. HOW and in what way, is this a healthy choice. Just ask yourself that.
I bet you dollars to donuts your WW will not feel the same way after you bang the young lady in question.
Just. No. It's not healthy. Focus your effort on healing actions, not destructive ones.
There is nothing wrong with ending your marriage over this. Nothing at all. It is your right. This however, will only muddy your recovery.
Why lower yourself? Don't become someone you are not because of what your WW did. That is really giving up.
Stay strong, stay a loyal partner.
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
She might not have strings attached, but you will be dragging your WW along like an anchor on a chain.
Let me explain my mindset, if I can. In the past, whenever I had the opportunity to cheat, (and there have been quite a few) I would always think it was a ridiculous idea. After all, I was married to a wonderful guy, who was totally devoted to me, right? So why would I? But since he's been working so much and doesn't ever have time for me or the kids, I have been thinking a lot about what I want from life and whether I want to expend the years of time and effort putting up with him and his constant absence, or finding someone who can appreciate me.
Considering that my wife has already said that if I had sex with someone else, it wouldn't change her determination to prove her love and devotion to me.
Also considering that the Lady in question, is something of a "free spirit" and wouldn't make demands on me, I'm thinking why would it be so bad? More like a practice run, than an affair.
You want a practice run or to sew wild oats, separate and divorce.
I swear to God you will regret this Bdell. Go hang out in the wayward forum. Go read some of the profiles of the Vets. Being a cheater, whether it's a regular old A, a revenge A, a "we're taking a break" A, or whatever. It's all self-betrayal. And it blows. Bad.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 5:00 PM, January 24th (Friday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
If you don't care if the M works out, go for it. Sure, you'll be labeled a cheater, but you'll have the 'she did it first' mantra, and most would understand that. They'd see the two of you as a messed up mess, but that's a different story.
But, if you care, if you want R, then don't do it. It will not help in any way. It won't assist in getting your marriage on track. It won't assist in getting you to where you want to be. It just won't. It will only multiply the problem.
Ask yourself this - imagine for a minute you've had sex with this OW - who, btw, sounds lovely, telling a married man she's ready to fuck if he is - imagine you've seen her naked, felt her against you, had the little giggles and all the things that lead to sex and happen after. You've done all of it. Do you feel better? Do you feel less pain because your wife cheated? Did screwing this pillar in the community make you feel whole?
Don't do it Bdell. There's nothing at the bottom of this bottle but the bottom. Don't dive in head first.
[This message edited by painfulpast at 5:36 PM, January 24th (Friday)]
it sounds like your have already crossed boundaries with the potential OW.
Why replace integrity with shame?
It will certainly help destroy your chance of R, if that's what you want?
Your WW giving you permission shows how much her self esteem is in the shitter. IMHO, she seriously needs to work on that. By cheating on her, you will help confirm that she is not important to you.
Come read in Wayward. I assure you, the dark side has no cookies.
You have been given exceptional advice, experience, and strength. Are your listening ears on?
Don't become a wayward. We don't want you there. More importantly, YOU don't want YOU there.
Ego kibbles are like Fruit Loops. Empty calories. Zero nutritional value.
You've told us you're good looking. You've told us a younger hottie desires you. I guess I'm wondering what are YOU telling YOU?
I for one won't lose any sleep over do you or don't you bang the girl who is willing to have sex with a married guy who is clearly angry, in crisis, hurt, sad, and scared. That won't impress me.
You doing the right thing? That will duly impress me. Dazzle the shit out of me. Because that takes guts, class, and a hell of a lot more balls than I, or any wayward husband, has.
You're better than this. And deep down you know it.
Let's say that you carry out the revenge affair/ONS as means of getting back at your wife and leveling the playing field. In the absolute best case scenario, you feel 100% even, and she feels like she got what she deserved, and then you move on....except then that opens up a whole new can of worms about your value system, such as: Why am I OK with using other people(OW) as weapons to hurt those who have hurt me? This is not a "she hit me first, so I hit her back"-type scenario, because in order to hit her back you have to manipulate, use, and then discard a third party....are you OK with that? Is that really the kind of person you want to be?
Also, as some others have probably pointed out (tl;dr), while she may very well be hurt by your actions, she probably won't be surprised. Only one person gets the sucker punch, you know? Every blow after that you kind of expect.
Finally, you have the moral high ground right now: do not trade even an inch of altitude for a little bit of validation and payback.
"free spirit" is typical OW meme. I'm sure you know this on some level. She does not really want you to use her body for pleasure nor does she see you as just a good time.
Please de-fog your affair glasses. If you want to leave your wife, file for divorce.
I'd really have to question:
Why this woman thinks she even has the right to be discussing having sex with you - married man?
That's really a blurring of boundaries, in my opinion.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
but I have been told by quite a few women that I'm good looking, and have been "hit on" numerous times over the years
In the past, whenever I had the opportunity to cheat, (and there have been quite a few)
Gently, I can't decide if you sound more like an insecure wayward or Ron Burgundy. Are you "kind of a big deal?" Maybe a topic for IC? I imagine you can think of more healthy and fulfilling ways to rebuild your confidence/self esteem other than having an affair. You're better than that; you wouldn't be here doing the work if you weren't.
So I am bad when I want a sip?
If you think your work is done, that's your choice. Good luck.
As for the insecurity deal, I assumed (wrongly I guess) that since you twice felt the need to point out how women find you attractive and how you've had many opportunities to have affairs, you were most likely looking for some of us to acknowledge that, thus giving you a boost in the ego department. I was just giving you something to think about. Sorry if I was off the mark.
I have worked my ass off to provide for my family and to raise myself above poverty, terrible, terrible, poverty. I can do anything I want, be anything I want, because I have always done the right thing and worked like a dog.
if you want to be exactly like your wife, go find some trash and roll in it. Nobody is stopping you.
I probably won't go through with it, but I am NOT going to spend 3, 4, or 5 years living like this. She had better get her ass in gear, it is up to her to get it done. I have done my part. I will do no more than give her the chance.
This is completely, totally and absolutely a reasonable attitude. Nobullshit.
Take control, take responsibility. Being a good man is brutal. Don't feel guilty for walking away from a bullshit situation. Better that than compromising yourself, imo.
Sorry you are in this place. It sucks.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:37 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]