The idea of having a night to JUST be a man with a woman, no strings, no thoughts of the affair, sounds pretty good.
Then divorce your WIFE and go for it. Are you married or not? Did the vows say, "Unless you do something bad to me... then I get to go out and have just one eensy weensy, "just a" night of fun too." Or did you make a promise that day? I didn't put any escape clauses in mine that I can recall. I'm not in control of FWH but I know who I am and what my commitments are regardless of his stupid decisions.
Nobody's saying you don't deserve the freedom of boning down with whomever you choose if that's what you need in this whole world. We're just saying to do it with honor. Either reconcile with your wife or cut her loose and go party. You can't have both and say that the man in the mirror has integrity. Period.
If you want a RA then that indicates to me that you, as well as your WW, have issues you need to deal with.
If a WS doesn't do the work to heal themselves they continue with recidivistic tendencies.
THAT is why we advocate IC on here. My advice to you is to man up and D your wife before going to have sex with your WW's 'flirty friend' as your reasoning for wanting to have an A are as lame as every other cheaters!
Sorry to be harsh but a RA is just another excuse to go do something bad!
And yes- some of us on here have had people let us know they'd be a willing partner in crime!
My FWH screwed a colleague but guess what? That doesn't give me a free pass to go even the score just because I know a couple of guys who'd be up for that!
If you're thinking about what it feels like to be with and inside another woman that's something you need to resolve as that isn't there because your wife cheated on you.... It's there because you want to have sex with someone other than your wife'!
I has hurt real bad by my FWH but the thought of having sex with someone else repulsed me then and does now. And that's because I've got integrity.
If I cannot overcome my bad feelings about sex with my wife, then R will be impossible. This is something I feel that she should make every effort to help with.
Yes, she should. It sounds like this is the issue you most want to solve. How is she helping right now? Is she trying? Is this a period of time where the pain will come in waves and the biggest struggle is withstanding it? Or are you struggling with someone who is unremorseful? That will determine R, as it takes two people to be in…
Right now, it sounds as though you're in limbo. Limbo has so many gradations within it. In some you're closer to R, hoping that both people will commit, and working toward a sign. Somewhere in the middle you're struggling with your feelings, not sure if you can commit or not, not sure if it's right for you. And another gradation is near the end, where unless there's some kind of miracle, you're heading for D, or possibly waiting until D conditions are more favorable. And everything in between.
Where in there, in either R or limbo, does having sex with a party outside your marriage make sense?
I haven't decided to have sex with anyone, and therein lies the problem.
Unless D is on the table (and preferably in motion with the agreement that the marriage is FINISHED), why is this an option? Why is it an option to brand yourself with 'Cheater' for the rest of your life?
If you cannot feel good about having sex with your wife, and you're thinking that not deciding to have sex with someone else is a problem (or that deciding to have sex with someone else is the solution), then what does that say about your marriage? What kind of marriage would that be, going forward? How would it get better?
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.
1. Is it realy cheating if Everything is in the open? You are not lying to your partner, boing behind their back etc. You are stating it beforehand and your partner is free to decide to stay or go Beforehand.
2. BDell has never stated that he would do it because of revenge. So RA is the wrong terminology don't you Think? He has also stated that it would be in the oppen, se Point 1.
3. I get the Point that a revenge affair behinde the back of your WS is not a good thing if you are trying to R. But what BDell is talking about is something different. I Think BDell would be better served with the discussion shifting focus a bit to what he is thinking about.
This can of worms can't be unopened. And regardless of whether Bdell or any of us feel he does or doesn't deserve a freebie (and hell, why just stop at one?) his Wayward wife will have HER feelings about this if it comes to pass.
I'm guessing it will change EVERYTHING about the reconciliation dynamic in their relationship. JMHO.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
It sounds like you have already crossed boundaries. You have talked about your marital problems with this woman, and the two of you have discussed having sex with each other. Sounds like an EA to me.
This is a woman who is willing to spread her legs for a married man...to help him get back at his wife for cheating on him? That is not a friend.
What about STD's? have you discussed when the last time she was tested? Has she had sex with anyone since then? Oh, I know, you would wear a condom...but condoms don't stop all STD's. Are you going to kiss OW? Have oral? Then you will be exposed to the possibility of getting an STD. Then, in turn, you will expose your wife.
You aren't very far out from dday. You are looking at all of this through shit colored glasses. Once you have had the benefit of time,you will have some clarity. And, hopefully, you will realize not breaking YOUR vows was the best choice.
Also...this woman who you has offered to help you out by having sex with you..is in NO way a friend of your marriage. You need to NC her. I know you don't know if you want to R yet. But you can not eat cake. You can not keep your WW in limbo, while having an EA/talking with another woman about having sex.
We all get that you're angry. But no one is going to support you having an RA.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Having the moral high ground is very cold comfort, right now.
It sure is, but I'll tell you that I've seen many a member that fall off that high ground for a RA and then their personal pains of dealing with that action sure lasted much longer than my time with that very cold comfort. The years of pain and disappointment that those folk dealt with and continue to deal with is not something that I wish for you or anyone to deal with.
Bdell, you are in a world of hurt and pain. I think that you should be careful of anyone right now that isn't your wife and is hinting, suggesting, or pushing for you to get involved with them.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
However, I know that's not going to do anything to help me heal, and I'm not a Ho.
She's a free spirit? Maybe she's got a disease. Maybe she will get pregnant. You think it would be just a one time thing and you can move on.
Think of the worst case scenario ... it could happen. Hard to R with your wife if you're paying CS or having a new baby spend weekends with you.
All assumptions aside...how do you know she wants to have sex with you?
I am beginning to think that women have some kind of Radar that detects men having marital problems.
I also am beginning to suspect that my SIL hasn't kept her mouth shut.
Another reason not to do it is because you want to be able to go forward in the future saying you never had sex outside of marriage. If you meet a nice person once you're divorced, and the topic of cheating comes up, you want to be able to say (authentically) "No, I never had sex with anyone else while married, not even after she did it to me." If you do the RA, you're going to have to qualify it with all sorts of shit, like "Oh, well we were TECHNICALLY married, but separated, but she did it to me first..." and so on and so forth....or you could just lie, but that's no way to start a new relationship. Maybe this new person will take your reasons at face value, or maybe they'll mentally dismiss you as someone who cheats and makes excuses....to use a sports phrase:
Don't ever leave the game in the hands of the refs.
You can win this game by sticking this shit out for a while longer, after which point you can roll in the hay with whoever you want, free and clear.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:27 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by Bdell at 10:28 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]
I get that. Really I do.
But you can't 'just be a man with a woman' other than your W, because you're married, and you've got commitments to other people.
And you most definitely can't 'have no thoughts of the affair' by having an RA - those thoughts are with you all the time, as you attest.
So for you, the RA is bad because it simply won't do for you what you want it to do.
You get to choose how to respond to your W's A. Even if she's the most exemplary fWS in history, you can choose to D with your head held high.
If her A is a deal killer for you, that's OK.
I'm really sorry you're having difficulty with sex, but what you describe is something that is your issue, and only you can solve it. You can choose from many good options, and if you're having trouble choosing, you can get help - IC or talking with a pastor is likely to lead to a solution in less work time than working through the issues on SI.
Of course, we're available 24 X 7, and IRL counselors are not....
What you're going through is common. Everybody solves it one way or another. You will, too.
I'm curious about these questions:
How can you justify an A, even if it's an RA, if you won't excuse cheating in someone else?
Are you holding other people to a standard higher than the standard to which you hold yourself?
And if you D and meet a woman who had an RA, wouldn't that raise a big red flag for you?
[This message edited by sisoon at 10:34 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]