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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BH A different pespective
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I have been reading through for a couple of months off and on, never sharing much, but taking in what was needed.

There are many different stories with as many different outcomes. I want to share mine to offer hope and to show all stories aren't the same. While I know some of my comments may rub some the wrong way, it's our journey.

FWW and I have been together 20 years, married 18. An adult son (what do you mean condoms only work 99% of time?!) and teenage daughter.

Three to four tears ago, my wife took a job in food service and has a 3PM-11PM shift. She also acquired a new neighbour in a family with a husband, wife and 3 kids. FWW took an instant liking to the wife (lets call her Minnnie), who was kooky, but seemed nice. In her words, they became sisters.

Fast forward a couple of years, my wife has said that Minnie admitted to several affairs over the years. I expressed concern but she said she thought it was horrible. She reminded me how her mother ran around, which eventually contributed to her dad's suicide. She could never do that to her family. But as time went on, a great gap in our marriage occurred where eventually she moved into a separate room. I insisted on MC, IC and that we had to improve, but she didn't agree, just thought it was a dry spell. I also found inappropriate emails on a hidden account (so she thought). I ignored the signs but gave her al ultimatum this past summer and she moved out, alone, in the fall. I had primary custody of our teen child.

We never lost daily contact. During that time she had intensive IC (unbeknownst to me)and realized that she really did love me. She also cut ties with the friend who enabled her to make bad decisions.

She moved back home in late November a changed woman. She is still in IC, but remorseful and truly loving. In our case, I didn't bring up the affair until a few weeks ago. I knew most details of who and when. She still can't come up with why. It was Minnie's BIL who lived with him who was the AP. He was a loser in many ways and she knows all meant to him was a shagging post (is that a Canadian saying). She would wait till the kids and I went to work/school, she would get up, go over, have sex, come home and not see me to worry about it.

She ended it months before she moved out. As a cause of the PA that she ended, she suffered depression, suicidal thoughts and withdrew from family and friends. At the time, I didn't know the root cause, but now I do.

Moving to me. I am a Christian who has a strong relationship with my Lord. I prayed and mediated for many times throughout the day to help me through the hell. For believers, you get it, for those who aren't, you can't. I relied on prayer and wisdom from my Pastor (who is my age) to get me through the first year. As others, mental images and anxiety had its toll on me.

However, the #1 thing I was able to do is forgive my FWW. Maybe not forget, but forgive. Forgiveness is more beneficial to the one giving it then the receiver. I expressed that to my wife as well. That act is also allowing her to heal as now the secret is out.

Other random thoughts;
- really don't need the details like some have suggested. Sex is sex. I know duration and I know who.
-As posted many times here, she said "I'm not in love with you any more". Like others have said, that was her own justification.
-In my case, my FWW was extremely messed up before we met. She made her own bad choices, I agree 100%. But if you buy a car without brakes, buyer beware. I married her knowing it would be a lifelong struggle.
-Our marriage is getting better. I think the time apart was needed for both of us to get perspective.
-As much as I think this forum is great, I probably will reduce my visits over time. This place can become a trigger too. For those of you with disc day a year or more ago, I would try withdrawing for awhile from here to see if it helps your mental health.

Anyway, thanks to all who share their pain and successes too.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 221 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear that things are going well for you in your reconciliation. I am coming up on that magical five year mark. I still come to SI at least six times per week. Some days, I am here reading a lot. I can certainly see how posts can be a trigger and will admit to being a little pissed after reading in the Just Found Out forum. But for me personally, SI is not a trigger.

I rarely post about my own situations; most of mine now center on OW showings. I do firmly believe that as a BS, I owe it to those who are new to this or who are continuing to suffer through multiple D-Days and divorce to read their stories and post. I try to interject what I have been through and how things worked out for me and my husband. I found such peace and hope within SI, that I feel compelled to give back.

I agree that healing takes on many different faces and that some may not work for everyone. Good luck with everything and check back in every once and awhile so we know that you are ok.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 461 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound much like me when I found out about my exWW. She didn't have to make excuses, I did that for her. Her friend had nothing to do with her choice to be unfaithful. Her past had nothing to do with her being unfaithful, if it did, why would it take 20 years to play out.

Your WW made that choice on her own.

As much as "I'm not in love with you" that's pretty standard practice for waywards. Its part of the justification process. Did she really feel that way? Nah, probably not. She was in the affair haze (fog). Saying hurtful stuff help ease the decision she made to betray your trust.

I do think its important to understand the "WHY'S" doing so can head off any future issue in this area.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi cvs2kkids


Welcome to the posting side of SI.

Some of us post often and others are content to read and digest. Whatever works for you, as long as it works.

I am happy your wife was able to begin her healing and is allowing herself to find the truth in her.

I hope you both continue down the path towards a happy, fulfilling marriage. Life after broken can be a rewarding, full and content place to be.

Good luck!!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:04 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3807 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cvs -
I am glad R is going well for you guys. . .

I am not sure what, exactly, what your "different" perspective is, or what was thought would rub the wrong way? That you don't want details, you relied on God, that you have forgiven her, or ?? I've certainly seen all of those things here before! Maybe I missed the point?

Anyway are all different, but we here in Recon we share the goal of mending and reconciling. I am glad you shared your story, and glad it looks like things are moving in a positive direction for ya'll.

Best of luck!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound much like me when I found out about my exWW. She didn't have to make excuses, I did that for her. Her friend had nothing to do with her choice to be unfaithful. Her past had nothing to do with her being unfaithful, if it did, why would it take 20 years to play out.
Your WW made that choice on her own.

I agree, but as statistics show, those coming from certain backgrounds are at higher risk to be WS or D. She made bad choices, but as BS, we need to realize there are many factors that can lead to that. It's simply not black and white.

As much as "I'm not in love with you" that's pretty standard practice for waywards. Its part of the justification process. Did she really feel that way? Nah, probably not. She was in the affair haze (fog). Saying hurtful stuff help ease the decision she made to betray your trust.

Bingo. And I guess the big lesson is that if other couples go towards R, you can only take with a grain of salt most discussions during the A. The WS is always in defense mode.


I do think its important to understand the "WHY'S" doing so can head off any future issue in this area.
Another grey area IMHO. Many times they can't express why. My wife has said I'be been a great husband and not to beat myself up at all, its all on her. She takes 100% ownership. I even mentioned that there must have been something that drove you away in the first place. She said she wasn't driven away from me, she choose the wrong path. As mentioned previously, her family life is totally messed up. Most are divorced (some multiple times), chemical dependency issues and SA issues. Those are factors that lead her to make a poor choice. As BS, if we have some empathy, it helps us realize that many things are way beyond our control or our WS. Life events greatly shapes a person. I came from almost the exact opposite, so it took me 20 years (and counting) to understand how major of an impact a FOO has on a person.
I now know the signs that we're off course. I know we need better boundaries. Maybe someday she can relate why, but I don't ever expect it.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 221 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad you have found a healing path and are happy.

One point, from someone further out, SI isn't a trigger for me any more. Rather, I found it very healing to help others through this nightmare. I encourage many to stay and help out when it becomes a healthy option for them.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6449 | Registered: Jan 2011
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found such peace and hope within SI, that I feel compelled to give back.

Love this.


Posts: 35238 | Registered: Mar 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if you buy a car without brakes, buyer beware. I married her knowing it would be a lifelong struggle.

Yep, can relate to that. I don't recall consciously thinking that I was in for a lifelong struggle, but in hindsight I saw the signs and chose to ignore them or rationalize them away. Choices have consequences, and that applies to us all. Great post cvs.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 9

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