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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS's Partying Out Of Control - Need Advice
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just confronted my BS regarding her going out / drinking. Today was the last straw for me. We had a business meeting this morning and I got a text at 5:30 AM saying she was "sick" and couldn't make it.

I know she was out late last night, I was on the phone until 11:30 PM with my son who was worried about his mommy. So this makes three days this week she was out drinking, the only night she spent home is when the nanny was off.

She invited me to lunch to apologize for not showing up this morning. I told her I knew last night she wasn't going to show up, and I was concerned with her drinking. She got defensive and tried to turn it around. I asked her if she thought it was ok for someone with three kids and other responsibilities to go out and get drunk three nights during the week. She said "I don't see a problem with that"

I really had nothing to say, she said the conversation was over because we were arguing. I got up and left.

I feel a very strong desire to detach a bit to protect myself and thankfully I have the kids this weekend.

I'm worried about her and don't know what to do.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here - I'm going to be blunt because health and children are at stake. There's probably not much you can do. Anything said by you about her behavior is likely to be met with 'well you cheated' and that's the out. No, it's not logical and it's honestly irrelevant regarding this issue, but it's a deflection.

You have been with your BS since she was 23. She probably didn't do a lot of 'going out' as an adult because she was with you. Now, she's 'free' so to speak, and she's enjoying herself, and alcohol also dulls the pain, so there's a trifecta for going out.

Does the nanny live with her? Does she pay the nanny?

I ask because I think your options are limited. You can enlist the aid of someone else - someone she can't/won't shut down with an irrelevant point - or you can use some tough love and go get custody of the children and let her know that when her drinking slows down, you and the lawyers will reset the agreement.

If the nanny lives there, that's a bit more of a challenge. You may need to tell your BS you won't be paying for the nanny anymore, and instead will hire a daytime worker only - one that leaves by 6 pm every night, and isn't there on weekends. That will also eliminate the ability to go out nightly.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. Are you trying to R, or is this S leading to D? It seems like, to her, the M is over. Is that what she says?

She's on her way to becoming an alcoholic. It isn't normal to want to go drinking to the point you can't get up for work 3 nights a week. Right now she has way to much ability to do just that.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly enough, the coping techniques we decide to use when we're faced with stress in our life are not always healthy choices. You have to understand that she may be reacting on impulse to deal with the pain that she feels over the adultery. Just because she is a BS doesn't mean that her actions are smarter or better than anyone else.

That said, turning to alcohol is not a solution and in fact, can be the start of a whole slippery slope too. Regardless of your WS status, you have the responsibility of a spouse and parent to raise the issue with her in a non-confrontational manner. And from what you said, you tried to do it that way.

I'm not sure if turning to something like AA would be helpful here as this might just be a spur of the moment stupidity rather than a drinking problem but they may be of assistance.

You can only continue to express your concerns and urge her to seek help using a healthier approach. You could read up on the 180 in the healing library as it may be of help in establishing boundaries that encourage her to follow safer lifestyle choices.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the only night she spent home is when the nanny was off

Could you explain the nanny thing to me? Don't get me wrong, I had nannies when my kids were little. During the day. So I could (ya know) work.

I was on the phone until 11:30 PM with my son who was worried about his mommy

What? Why? Why would you not simply reassure your son that the nanny was there, he was perfectly safe at home, Mommy and Daddy love him very much, and he should be in bed sleeping? Your priority should be to help your son feel safe, not contribute to his anxiety by commiserating with him on the phone, three hours past his bedtime.

I'm not defending her actions, but your delivery (as you reported it) leaves a lot to be desired. When people sense they're being attacked, put down, or criticized, their natural reaction is to get defensive and/or return fire.

I told her I knew last night she wasn't going to show up

Translation: You're irresponsible and unreliable.

I asked her if she thought it was ok for someone with three kids and other responsibilities to go out and get drunk three nights during the week

Translation: What you're doing is totally wrong and irresponsible, don't you agree?

I'm worried about her and don't know what to do.

Translation: I care about her, and I feel so helpless.

Lead with that next time. Don't judge her, don't put her down. Just share your feelings and needs.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is trying to numb the pain.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The nanny does live there, and I pay her. We are / were def on the road to R. I just don't know what's gotten into her. I thought we were past this but clearly we are not. I agree she already has a problem and it's only going to get worse.

I only stayed on the phone with my son to calm him and tell him all you stated. I was able to finally able to get him to fall asleep. I'm happy he calls me when he's upset or scared.

I know my approach was aggressive, but it didn't start that way. I had tried several times to bring it up in a loving and caring manner in the past, It did nothing. She invited me to lunch earlier in the week as well when she did something very similar. I think she believes if she's nice and sorry I won't be upset and it will go away. Not this time, my kids nor I deserve this. This time was just too much to overlook.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We waywards are allowed to have deal-breakers. It takes two to reconcile.

My advice was written from the assumption that you love her and want to R. That the "never give up" in your username implied you were in for the long haul. That you'd cut your wife some serious slack, given that she found out just 6 months ago that you were fucking an OW she knew...for 9 months.

From your inaugural post:

I was not going to give up, no matter how bad it got, how sad I was or how hopeless it seemed.

You're totally allowed to change your mind, though. If BW self-medicating her hurt and unhappiness (I'm only guessing) with alcohol is unforgivable, then yeah. Give up. Detach and protect yourself.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it's time to send the nanny on a two week vacation?

Your BS has a built in babysitter, a painful life issue, and no spouse around. Give the nanny 2 weeks off and tell your BS to take a couple of weeks off from work to get herself together.

And please, forgive me here, but does she think she is on the road to R. She's out partying 3 nights a week, you live separately, and she's missing work because of going out. It sounds like she's single.

Are the two of you in MC? I think that may be warranted at this stage given her going out habits and your rightful concern over them.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a business meeting this morning and I got a text at 5:30 AM saying she was "sick" and couldn't make it.

I think missing a meeting is the least of your problems.

She got defensive and tried to turn it around. I asked her if she thought it was ok for someone with three kids and other responsibilities to go out and get drunk three nights during the week. She said "I don't see a problem with that"

I remember this. I was behaving exactly the same way right before I cheated.
My BS was warning me how unhealthy my behaviour was and it was likely to lead to something worse.
I also didn't listen and got defensive, "I had it all under control".

Your BS has lost her sense of responsibility, her 'give a fuck' is broken, soon the entitlement will creep in.

I am sorry to say I see a revenge affair in your near future.


I feel a very strong desire to detach a bit to protect myself and thankfully I have the kids this weekend.

I'm worried about her and don't know what to do.


You can't do anything, you can only control you.
Let go of the outcome, do your best for yourself and your children, your BS is making her own choices.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This doesn't sound like the road to R to me, at all.

You have boundaries and you have a right to speak up. Keep exercising that right.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5980 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 20, I need a whack sometimes. I'm definitely not giving up, I've stuck out too much crap and we've come too far together. The last couple months have been very good for the most part but this has reared it's head again. It's just the kids that suffer the most from this.

I think part of the problem besides the nanny is she is self employed, tied to my company. She has no real structure in her life. She doesn't have to be anywhere at any certain time in the morning and she has someone to take care of the kids. I've thought of giving the nanny some time off, but I know it will be seen as an attempt to control her. We are in MC and she knows this will be a topic next week. I called the MC about getting a session earlier in the week and to see how the best way for me to approach this in the session might be.

To top it all off she has some pretty major family issues going on that I know are contributing to this behavior. She's the type to push it down and try to forget it. I'm supportive in every way in regards to that, but she has really shut down to me on that topic.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel like we strayed off the road to R, I'm hoping with some loving communication we can get back on track. But We'll see.

Slow, She already had a revenge affair and broke it off when she realized she wanted to work this out. Her behaviors now are mimicking that time, maybe that's why I'm so scared. It's a very good point to bring up in MC.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do hope things go well, if for no one else, then for your kids. Having a parent that goes out all the time is no fun - I can tell you that from firs hand experience.

I also want to commend you. You've been through a lot and you're still hanging in there. I think it shows how much you care that you're seeing the signs here and trying to solve the issue.

I understand about giving the nanny time off as 'controlling', but honestly that's the point. She needs to know that you won't support her behavior by paying for her babysitter while she goes out. That's not controlling her, but it's not enabling her either.

Ask your MC - as you said. I and others may have all sorts of ideas, but you're smart to start at the MC.

Good luck NGU10. This isn't an easy road you're on.

((((hugs))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slow, She already had a revenge affair and broke it off when she realized she wanted to work this out.

This changes the landscape completely.

Does she acknowledge her status as a wayward? Does she 'own her shit'?

While you may be remorseful for your actions, is she?

If not, you are wasting your money, time and effort in MC.

You have some tough decisions to make. I wish you luck.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This changes the landscape completely.

Does she acknowledge her status as a wayward? Does she 'own her shit'?

While you may be remorseful for your actions, is she?

If not, you are wasting your money, time and effort in MC.

You have some tough decisions to make. I wish you luck.

I completely agree. You are both mad hatters now.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5980 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS spouse here...I have been following your posts and I admire your determination to fight for your marriage. Just wanted to chime in. I wish you the best of luck! One day at a time...don't give up.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 230 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think she sees herself as a wayward. At the time we were split up and she did't hide it from me. At the time, she didn't think she was doing something wrong but acknowledged she felt guilty and didn't understand it.

She has since admitted it was bad idea, and little by little she is digging into herself with the help of her IC and our MC. She sees the work she has ahead of her both personally and with us. Our sessions are very good, open and connected. Has she owned it? Kinda, but I know it's in there and it will come out in time. I'm sticking in there, some days are good, some are bad and some are just there.

AndreaL, thanks for the kind words. It's helps my resolve to stick in there.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 17

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