I am 35 years old, and have been in two relationships of 10+ years each. In the first relationship, I found out about the affair only a few weeks before we were supposed to get married. He said that he wanted to reconcile, but I could tell that his heart wasn't in it. We split up, and he is now married to the OW. That breakup nearly killed me. I was young and naive. I didn't know this kind of betrayal was possible. I still think about it often, and it still hurts every time.
About 6 months later, I met my current boyfriend. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship so soon, but we are just so compatible that it kept going and going. He is my best friend. We have been together 11 years. I knew that he was a little self-centered, but I truly believed that he was a good person, and I didn't believe that he was the cheating type. Maybe there is no such thing.
He spent much of 2013 traveling for work to Brazil. I never suspected anything was wrong, although I was bothered by the amount of travel and told him so. We were talking about trying to start our family when he returned. His last trip was 2 months long, and when he got back, I could feel that he was distant. I thought that maybe it would just take us a little time to get used to being together again.
A couple of weeks ago, he was napping, and his phone was vibrating. I looked at it, and there was a text from a woman that just said "baby". I woke him and asked him what the hell that was. He looked at it and said that it was a co-worker from Brazil texting him to tell him that another woman there had just had a baby, and I was just seeing the end of the message. I sat silently for a few minutes, then asked to see the message for myself. He said that he had deleted it already. Right then I KNEW.
A few days passed before I had the chance to look at his phone. What I found there broke my heart. There were messages telling her that he loved her, and that he wanted a future with her, either in the US or Brazil. There were discussions of kissing, but he says there was no sex. I kind of believe it, because I could tell from the messages that she had some kind of (weak) moral line that she didn't want to cross. Honestly, whether the affair was an EA or a PA doesn't change the amount of hurt that it has caused.
He says that he's remorseful, and I believe him. He says that he only told her that he wanted a future with her because he thought that would be the way to get her to have sex with him. I'm not going to kick him out until I have time to think. It has only been a little over a week.
The fact that she's in Brazil throws a wrench in it for me. It is unrealistic for them to have a relationship right now, so how do I know he's not just picking the easier option? I want to believe that he was discussing the future to try to have sex, but who knows? I know that he can't see her, but I have no way of monitoring all of his online communication. He has a work cell and computer that I don't have access to.
I just can't belive that I'm in the same situation again. Why does this seem to happen after 10+ years? If we split up, I'm worried that my hopes of having children will be gone. One of the reasons that I was so excited to start our family is that I know that he would be a great father. Now I don't know what to do. I told myself after the last time that I would never give anyone a second chance, but I don't want to let this relationship go.