I understand that i have two options at this point: I can either start the process for a separate maintenance and custody agreement, or start divorce. Basically these are going to be almost the same thing. Is this right?
The main reasons for the separation over divorce are that WH will not accept divorce yet but might be willing to formalize a separation, and I could enjoy my benefits longer while trying to establish myself separately.
Am i understanding this correctly? A part of me seriously just wants to be divorced and done, but he may play nicer if i take it very slow. What am I missing?
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
You can file anytime you wish. I've been S over three years now as it was simply just cheaper to live completely S lives but reap the financial benefits of being M. But, I'm tired of not being D, so I'm taking the financial hit and filing for D.
Sounds like you might need to get a little clarity from your L about what is normal in your state.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Thank you cmego, I think I do need that bit clarified. I have no experience with this whatsoever and had other pressing questions when I talked to the attorney, so I think I kind of flaked out on understanding the next steps. Agh! He just got really fired up about some of the things I talked about and I think got off track which threw me off even worse. Sigh. I think I need to see a different lawyer.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
The first one said, "We can nail your ex's ass to the wall. I can fix it so he would have supervised visitation and he will lose everything."
The next one said, "What is the point? The past is the past. Let's just get you the best settlement possible."
Guess which one I went with? #2. She was focused on ME.
Interview a couple until you hit one that you feel is best in your situation.
I felt panicked too initially that I had to keep moving and making decisions. I knew my marriage was over but I wasn't really ready to commit to the divorce process yet. I say unless you are in trouble financially or physically then don't rush and think through all your options first.
I hope his lawyer told him he was getting a hell of a good deal (50/50 split) so I don't have to drag out all of the gory evidence in court. Like you, I tried to play nice.
I now think I wasted a lot of time.
Read everything you can about divorcing NPD spouses and prepare yourself. The problem for most of us who have gone through this is that we've been conditioned to be co-dependent and not want to rock the boat. Unfortunately, they know that and count on it. If you can't make the tough decisions (and I suggest IC to work through the years of programming), then find an attorney who can take the heat for you and push EVERYTHING through them. I'm on my second attorney but she's a rock and has pushed me to look out for ME & DS, and not let him manipulate me.
To me, you are just setting yourself up for more "limbo." With others that might be fine, but with a NSD, it just keeps you bound to them...exactly where they want you.
Best wishes! I just keep thinking if I'd filed when I first moved out, MAYBE I would actually be done now.
Legal separation is not an option in my state and I don't know of any other advantages to it.
Your WH has no option to accept or not accept a divorce. It's your life, your choice, and you entirely have the power to make it happen.
Well.... in my state if the other party refuses to agree to the divorce and you can't prove fault, you have to wait 2 years. Whereas if both parties agree to the divorce, the waiting period is just 90 days. So I can see "playing nice" in some cases in order to get it over with more quickly.
I think the main issue here is that for the first time ever, I have all the power and I don't know what to do with it. I have him by the balls (he made a VERY stupid mistake), so he is making nice and I want to make the most of it. I have been a SAHM and staying on his insurance until I can get some (and a job!) seems like a good idea, but if I wait, I am afraid I will be wishing I had just gotten out when I had the chance.
Read everything you can about divorcing NPD spouses and prepare yourself. The problem for most of us who have gone through this is that we've been conditioned to be co-dependent and not want to rock the boat. Unfortunately, they know that and count on it. If you can't make the tough decisions (and I suggest IC to work through the years of programming), then find an attorney who can take the heat for you and push EVERYTHING through them.
Ditto. Ditto, ditto, ditto, and ditto some more.