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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: TT is no joke
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm welcoming BS to this post because I feel like I need a little bit of a beating.

Things have been going as well as could be expected since DDay. I haven't had contact with AP since 1/2. But I originally told BS that the last time we spoke was 12/17. It was just my first instinct to answer the question with a response that I thought would be the most acceptable at the time, and then afterwards, it didn't seem like an important enough detail to upset him over. My A wasn't emotional, and I truly have zero feelings for AP and I think BH believes that (although obviously it must still be incredibly hurtful and confusing). The only reason AP contact me was because he was worried his wife was going to find out.

I know BH has been monitoring me, and I welcomed it in order for him to feel safe, but I didn't expect him to look backwards in time. So last night he confronted me and I TT AGAIN!! I told him last week in December was last contact. WTF is wrong with me?!?! I just wrote out a timeline of contact that is the absolute truth and plan to give it to him this afternoon. I feel sick.

Just like everyone says, BH seems more upset about the lying than the A. And now we are back to square one.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be prepared for this to restart the clock for him. TT in any form is devastating to a BS. Most times it's not the affair that is so unforgiving It's the lies afterwards

It would be wise to keep being completely honest from this point forward about everything

[This message edited by floridaredman at 8:56 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He probably knows when the last contact is but he may want you to tell the truth. I knew my WH was lying about the timeline after NC was established. I did my own detective work. I could see the stress from the lies. He reached a point where he was scared I would leave. That self preservation mode prevented any work to reconcile or heal the M. I asked the same questions over and over. He lied again and again. I didn't want to reveal my sources, so I told him I found something while cleaning and knew.

You know its wrong to TT. Why do you think you are really doing it?


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know its wrong to TT. Why do you think you are really doing it?

I'm scared of his reaction to the truth. He has a temper and gets very very mean. Not that I don't deserve it, I guess it just sometimes feels easier to risk it.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn't the sex or the A that ended my M it was the TT, lies and half truths. Every day she didn't tell me honestly what happened it was like throwing one card on the ground from the bottom of the deck. Soon the bottom card is the top card and there is nothing left.

Jovie just tell him already. You've already done it now own it. Holding back isn't helping or saving him from dissappointnet or pain because he doesn't believe what your saying. What he is thinking is likely worse the what happened. My exWW finally told me everything, it was too late I was over it, her and the marriage.

Sure he will be hurt, but if you want to R hurt is better then indifference. Once he stops asking or caring your done.

[This message edited by 2yrsblind at 9:33 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ALL relationships are built on trust. The closer the relationship, the greater the need for trust.

If your spouse feels they can no longer trust what you say, then the close relationship is gone. This would apply to non-affair lies as well.

Just tell the truth from this point forward and stop with the TT and half truths. My guess is your BH knows more than you think.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5643 | Registered: Aug 2007
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jovie,

Have you told him before how his temper and reaction bothers you. Just because you are a WS doesn't mean you have to accept the mean or cruel behavior. Has he always had a temper, or is it worse since dday?

Telling the truth and accepting the consequences for lying, doesn't mean you need to accept mistreatment.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look on the bright side -- at least you understand that TT is not he way to go. Some WS's never get to that point.

The lesson my STBX would have walked away with from this incident with would have been, "see I knew I should not have given any details." She knew that I did not know everything, but there were some things I knew and was using that to compare with what she told me.

In the end, the way she handled "disclosure" was a confirmation that she could not be trusted, did not trust me enough to tell the truth, and that she was not willing to risk the marriage in order to save it. I knew we were not heading to a place of true intimacy and trust. My own wife was the person in my life who trusted me the least, and in turn who I trusted the least.


To be honest, I think if all a WW is giving is TT then whatever disclosure you give is more of a liability. The BS gets the pain associated with hearing those limited facts, but none of the benefits of restored trust.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every day she didn't tell me honestly what happened it was like throwing one card on the ground from the bottom of the deck. Soon the bottom card is the top card and there is nothing left.
That is a great comparison. And some BS start with a shorter deck than others....some BS may have one card in that deck, and some might have the whole thing.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2064 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm scared of his reaction to the truth. He has a temper and gets very very mean. Not that I don't deserve it, I guess it just sometimes feels easier to risk it.

Jovie, imagine it this way, The information you have is like a stick of dynamite. You tell the truth, short fuse explosion, everything blown up right then and there and handled. Tell a lie, long fuse explosion with greater damage, you have time but the fallout is much greater after impact.

There is a risk involved either way.

I understand holding back because he's mean, however you probably suffer more in the long run with a lie, rather than the truth.
If you are afraid of him, why do you stay?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jovie, imagine it this way, The information you have is like a stick of dynamite. You tell the truth, short fuse explosion, everything blown up right then and there and handled. Tell a lie, long fuse explosion with greater damage, you have time but the fallout is much greater after impact.
To add to that, imagine that one DDAY equals one huge explosion...but you can immediately get to work on the repair...whereas TT is like a long fuse dynamite goes off, which starts the fuse for a another one and goes off, and then starts the fuse for another one....and so on.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2064 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jovie,
I have no desire to beat you--- I give you kudos for coming here & talking about it---that takes a lot of courage. You seem to already have a lot of insight about what is going on----
I wish my WH had been that insightful this early on.

As above posters have said, the TT damaged our M more than his A. Don't make the mistakes my WH made:
After Dday, unbeknownst to WH, I followed WH & OW & saw them having lunch together, & that eve he looked into my eyes & said "I have had no contact with OW."
2 months after Dday, OW changed her phone # & I discovered 20 phone calls/texts to the new # on WH's phone log(I was able to confirm that it was her #) ----& he looked into my eyes in front of our MC & stated "I have had no contact with OW." (I had the printed out phone log in my hand.)
So, I would bet that your BH probably already knows a lot more than you realize. By now, I am sure he is hypervigilant.

We are 2 yrs 8 1/2 mos out & R finally seems to be going well,
but you can be sure that I often, even today, have moments when I question if WH is telling me the truth.
I want to trust him, but will I ever be able to 100% trust him again?

If you truly want R, no more secrets, ok?
Wishing you & your BH the best of luck. Sending you strength (((Jovie)))


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
mindbody
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may have more than 1 reason you are not telling the truth Jovie. It's not easy admitting all that you've done wrong. I get that it would be a heck of a lot easier for you IF your BH wasn't reacting with anger. Understand that it's not at all easy for him to put the breaks on right now either.

Yes, give the absolute truth timeline to your BH today. You could preface it with some kind of warning so he knows ahead of time that you lied and wanted to set the record straight.

Apologize, tell him you are struggling with TT, and what you plan to do to change it, starting today. If you are doing it to protect yourself, admit it. If being transparent has always been difficult for you, admit that.

He has a temper and gets very very mean.

Not sure if you are talking about his words or he gets physical with you, or you are afraid he will. Has he acknowleged this to you in the past or is this different after the A?

I hope your day goes better than you think it might.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Mar 2010
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might help if you explain to him why you lied and that you have resolved to go with the full truth going forward no matter what. This will ultimtely help rebuild intimacy and trust if you follow thru 100%.

And remember no 'lies of omission' either... full disclosure and complete transparency is your best bet!


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
mystified1970
♀ Member
Member # 36291
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just told my WH that honesty is more important to me than monogamy and I meant it. Been going through TT for three years. His was a variety ONS over a long period of time so I understand the lies beget lies and it all gets mixed up and confusing.

(((Jovie))), as I read your post I related it to the way my WH lies. It's a knee jerk reaction and it's awful. I wish that as soon as he realizes he just lied that he would say, oh wait, that's not true, I'm sorry, old habits die hard.

The lying became a norm. I guess it becomes the norm for all WS's and I imagine it's a hard habit to break.

Only the liar can break that cycle.


heavy sigh

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Asia
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm scared of his reaction to the truth. He has a temper and gets very very mean. Not that I don't deserve it, I guess it just sometimes feels easier to risk it.
Does your BH become abusive? Was he like this pre-A?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
rekindle
♀ Member
Member # 42184
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please take it from someone who has TT'd that you absolutely must come forward with the whole truth. Everyone here is so right and sadly, I realized it too late, but you still have a chance to make it right. Don't let more time go on, it will only cause more hurt. It doesn't matter how you think he'll react. I was terrified of my BH's reaction too and allowed the TT to go on, but his reaction now that everything came out is much worse than all the other TT days. Just put everything out in one blow so you both can start to heal from it. He's going to be mad, he's going to call you names, he's going to be on a roller coaster of emotions, but these are the consequences of our very poor decisions, and we must deal with them as a part of the learning and changing process. You have a lot of good advice here from people in your shoes and in your BS' shoes. Hang in there and own up to it.


Me, WW
Him, BH
2 DDs
Together 9 yrs, married 4
Flirting/Boundary Breaking/Cheating for 8 years, OEA Fall 09-Feb 10 with flirty friend from 2007/2008, lied and rugswept until TT 12/13-02/14.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014
changedlife
♂ New Member
Member # 40394
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT and lies ended my relationship. Each time I was asked a question I was afraid of the truth because I knew it would hurt. The lies hurt the relationship much much more. Its hard to do the right thing sometimes, but that is what is needed in order to make it work. I remember and regret each lie now. It sends them back to ground zero on the trust scale each time.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here. TT and lies are killing me. It's been ~3 months.

I've had three DDays now and I am about to walk away.

I think I'm done. I deserve better.

At the beginning of this I said I only needed honesty.

That was all and I've never got it.

What am I still doing here?


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"

Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2013
Trying4change
♂ New Member
Member # 41977
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know TT Is no joke, as im new on here and not having an understanding of what it really was til BS explained to me. I found my self doing it also which did not help, I realized that by doing TTing it only delays the truth and hurts both people In the process and starts all over so to speak. just get it all out and as it has been said the truth will set you free cause I know it did for me.


Me-WS 34
Her-BS 30 cl131716
Together 3yrs
D-Day 7/23/13
married for 1yr
2 Handsome sons together

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 21
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