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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: O.L.D., "Intent" Selection?
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never tried OLD, and I am not sure I will.

However, I have a question for the ladies (or men can share their experiences).

With regard to the intent line, I am not sure any one really captures what my intent would be. I guess initially it's probably accurate to select, "looking to date but nothing serious," or whatever variation a site might use, in that I am not intending to jump in a relationship with just anyone. I still have a lot of healing to do, and I would not want to do that - for my sake, and any woman's as well. But, deep down I am a one woman kind of guy and I certainly want a meaningful relationship at some point with the right woman.

The thing is, "just wanting to date" sounds like it translates into "looking for booty calls." That's damn sure not what I want, for a number of reasons -- not the least of which is I somehow dodged the STD bullet with my STBXW.

I know some of this can be clarified in the profile, but I think there is only so much you can say without sounding like irreparable damaged goods.

And, of course, there is the matter of what kind of women are you going to "attract" with a given intent. If their intent is similar to mine, then fine. But if the ones who are okay with "just dating" are hooking up with a different random man each week I am not interested. Or, if the ones who are looking for a relationship are ready to set up house with the first halfway decent guy that comes along then I don't want that either.

(BTW, I realize that it's not as easy signing on and having floods of women filling your in box).

[This message edited by Later at 1:44 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you.
"looking to date but nothing serious" is, in truth, fine BUT it does sound like a booty call so I didnt use that and rejected men that had that as their intent.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jun 2012
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"looking to date but nothing serious,"
means that you're looking at enjoying a variety of female company but that you're not looking to be monogamous or settle down. Most women would view that as a "looking for booty calls" kind of thing.

If you're ultimately looking for something serious, then check the box that you're looking for something more serious. I don't think anyone expects you to become their girlfriend right off the bat.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me cast the third vote for using the "wants a relationship" as the intent status.

I agree that we all "understand" that "wants to date but nothing serious" can mean all sorts of things, but the first thing that comes to this woman's mind is "player". And I've met some, so that just reinforces the stereotype...

I am a one woman kind of guy and I certainly want a meaningful relationship at some point with the right woman.
Maybe that phrase can go in your profile somewhere.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking from personal experience, because I remember feeling exactly the same way when I started OLD right after my divorce, be careful dating before you're actually ready for what you want.

What I mean to say is, if you're not looking for something "casual," but don't think you're ready for something serious yet (with anyone!), it gets really messy really quickly trying to figure out exactly how you do intend to relate to the people you meet. Not ready for a relationship, but not looking for a hook up... how many times do you go out before things get too serious, how far do you let things go physically before you hit your boundaries, what is the purpose if it's not going anywhere (physically or emotionally), etc.

I really struggled with that one.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the replies. They have given me food for thought.

Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used Match.com and OKCupid, and I found OKCupid a lot more successful for me. I didn't get much success with match, and my sense (and I could be wrong about this) is that folks on match tended to want more serious relationships (long term), and the fact that I advertised myself as looking for short term dating, things didn't pan out.

OKCupid has many more ways to define yourself, and I think that makes it easier to find like-minded people to date. The questions they ask you to answer absolutely helped me find a good match. Even though I wasn't looking for a long term I have been with the same women for almost 3 months now, and the vetting on Cupid really helped out.

The other thing to keep in mind is that women tend to get inundated with messages from men, so it's a weird mix of marketing yourself to stand out, but also being clear about who you are and want. The two don't always match up.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 707 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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