(I didn't mention feeling sadness for the harm I've done to my BH because I have those thoughts constantly and not just when the AP crosses my mind though I have them then as well, although it's more of a sick feeling of how could I have done that to my H that I love.)
But he (AP) appeared in a dream a night or two ago. It wasn't sexual. But it also wasn't OK at all. The dream is hazy but I know I spent time around him and other people. I didn't get away from him immediately like my BH would like me to do IRL. I remember a sense of being trapped but I also don't remember me trying to avoid any interaction. There wasn't a sense of a continuing association but I willingly interacted with him.
I woke feeling a sense of failure and guilt.
I would never do this IRL. I will not interact with him in any way. Happily, I haven't seen him and there has been no attempt by anyone to break NC.
I haven't talked to my BH about this because I still haven't gotten it straight in my mind. Why did I dream this? It freaking bothers me and sort of pisses me off.
I don't need closure. I don't need anything having to do with the AP. If I could have my hearts desire we would move far away from here so we would never have to risk running into the AP, his BW, or any trigger of the A.
I know my BH will end up reading this eventually. Sometimes it takes him a few days. So I will talk to him about this but for future reference. Do dreams like this fall under something a BS wants to hear about from their WS?
This is just so yucky and annoying.
I'm wondering if living in a small town like we do and having the constant worry in the back of my mind of me or my BH running into the AP or his BW takes it's toll on me over time and comes out as the AP appearing in a dream? I do have a constant low level anxiety any time I or BH leave the house. If that contributes to the dream I really wish I could learn to handle things in my dreams in a way that I and my BH would feel OK with.
First, it probably won't bother him. You can't control your dreams and it wasn't a sex dream.
Second, it will make you feel better. If you have to ask if you should tell, then you will feel anxiety about it until you tell.
Third, and most importantly, it will help establish trust and make your husband feel safe.
Why did I dream this? It freaking bothers me and sort of pisses me off.
Dreams aren't always indicators of our desires or issues. I firmly believe that sometimes there's just filing and housecleaning happening, and our experiences may surface and get jumbled around. It's so hard to have something take place in a dream that bears emotional significance, and then to try to separate that out from reality when we wake up.
Considering that it is troubling you, I'd say it's probably pretty important that you talk to him about it. It's time and headspace that are unfortunately going to the AP, and keeping it to yourself will likely end up being more hurtful to him than letting him in on the process.
His feelings will likely be hurt, but it should also foster some sense of trust and security that you are letting him in on anything that happens in regards to AP.
Does that make sense?
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong here. You just want to do right by your BH, and that's the best possible response.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
As a BH going who went through this just last week, I vote for telling him. I didn't love the fact that it happened, but I wasn't angry at my wife either.
My thoughts now aren't really going toward the AP regarding the dream. More toward myself, trying to figure out what's wrong with me that this has unsettled me. Why didn't I wake up and think "stupid subconscious, thanks for that" and then just roll on with life? And thoughts toward my BH as in, is this something I should just process independently or is it a good idea to share this? Are there some things that I can spare him without sacrificing trust and intimacy?
Yes, I do think dreams of running into him are more likely because you live in a small town because every day you have to deal with that possibility. In our situation, when OW is in town, my apprehesion level increases, so all thoughts of OW and the A are heightened.
Be frank, open and do not hide any aspects - that is my advice. I think telling your BH will be a positive way of showing him there are no more walls. Be completely honest and let him do with the information that he chooses. Hiding this would be a set back to your R. And it would bother you too.
Us humans haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the complexities of our gray matter. What churns and simmers "down there" in our cranial basements shouldn't be something that creates shame and self reproach. Even if it was a monkey sex with the xAP dream, unless you have been consciously having that thought pattern you IMHO shouldn't punish yourself because your deep, dark recesses decide to put your life experiences in the blender and spit something out that, when waking, your CONSCIOUS being knows is in the negative side of the ledger. And in your dream you were behaving in a reconciliation way. Pat your sub conscious on the back!
You experienced it. You're processing it. You can perhaps even learn something from it. And you've shared it. Pat yourself on the back, and maybe even say "Okay, brain...whatever!".
I've had numerous doozies about xAP. A few have had her BH in them. Their house. Their bed. Weird doings. I tell my BW. She doesn't really feel it's a biggie.
My favorite dreams to share with her are the much more frequent ones which she stars in. Last week I had one starring my wife that was just...Surreal. Like the best TV mini series ever crossed with a Jerry Springer episode directed by Tim Burton. It sucked to wake up!
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 8:06 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]
He said, "Why are you dreaming about him?" Sounded a little mad, and I almost got defensive, but didn't.
I told him I haven't been thinking about him much or reminiscing. Told him basically what I posted. He was ok with it. Then I guess he felt the need to "claim" me. Definitely goes in the incentive column for being open and honest.
Sweet dreams everyone.
I find that so hard to believe and would appreciate something like what you're doing because then I would know that when they do cross his mind, he would tell me.
Sorry about your dream...maybe it's just your subconscious prompting you to keep your boundaries in place.
[This message edited by 918Mama at 1:12 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]
I think it is normal for our minds to "go there" in our dreams, and maybe you are just processing. Think about what your feelings were in the dream -- scared? Happy? At peace? Repulsed? Maybe there is a clue there.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
So when I wake up from a bad dream like that, I just like to think its just my brain processing those memories and that it's not reflective of who I am or what I'm thinking of now. It's so good you opened up to your BH about this!
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."
During the dream I was interacting with the AP in a friendly way while feeling very uncomfortable about it. I knew I was screwing up and wanted to be handling things differently. I had an end of the world, impending sense of doom, self destruction kind of feeling. Like I lost myself and didn't care about myself anymore. It was weird. Disturbing. Scary.
I'm glad it's over and hope it never happens again.
I think I'm going with, "It was just a bad dream." Does anyone think I really need to think about it any more than that?
I don't know, but I have random people who I have not thought about in years appear in dreams. It doesn't seem unusual that OM would appear, the affair is probably on your mind a great deal.
We talked about your situation yesterday. My WBF tends to deny what goes on in his head. The thing is...a betrayed person usually knows their partner enough to know a little of what they may be thinking. It drives me crazy that he won't admit to things. If he truly wants to change, he needs to admit to ME his thoughts and how he's struggling. I'm not talking about throwing me a nugget every now and then. I want the ugly truth.
You sharing your dream with your BH helps in two ways. I think he will see how you're being honest. There is NO way he would have ever known you had this dream, so that says a lot as to your commitment. At the same time, by you discussing it, you're making it clinical. It's no longer a personal thought. You brought your BH into it. And now you're facing it as a team.
I hope my WBF follows your path... Good luck!