Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: kassidy (45053)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He doesn't have time to date
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I haven’t been around here in a while, but I need a little SI support.

What the fuck is with people dating when they aren’t ready/able to date? WTF???

I started spending time with an old friend as “more than a friend” in November. We go back 10 years, we’ve always been close, but it was always just a friendship. Long story short, he is in school back in my hometown which is about 4 hours from where I am currently living. I go home often to see friends and family and we started spending time more together.

He came to visit me a couple of weekends ago and we had a great time. A week or so after he left, we were talking on the phone and had THE TALK, that exclusive talk that I have always heard about but have been to chicken to actually have with anyone. It went well (or so I thought), I’m busy with work and he’s busy with school and there is distance between us but we were on the same page as to what we wanted, ect. I was supposed to go visit next weekend and attend an event with him.
Fast forward to tonight, we’re talking and kind of out of the blue he drops the bomb that he doesn’t have time for this with all that is going on with school. Understandable, but why? Why lead me on? Why have this talk just days ago? Why the all of a sudden change of heart?

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I feel like our friendship will forever be changed because of this and when we had the talk I told him that was my biggest fear with turning our friendship into a relationship – I didn’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him as a friend anymore. This whole thing sucks.

Then of course the BS demons that I thought I had conquered come out – he has a lot of female friends in his program, maybe he wants something to happen with one of them. He is attending a wedding in a few weeks and I know an old flame will be there, maybe he is hoping something will happen there. Maybe I did/said something when he was here that turned him off. He didn’t even ask if I still wanted to attend the event as friends… this sucks.

[This message edited by completeshock at 6:15 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((CS)). That does suck.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7695 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if this is an instance of misconstrued expectations. As in, here:

I’m busy with work and he’s busy with school and there is distance between us but we were on the same page as to what we wanted, ect.

You maybe weren't actually on the same page, and he has expectations of how he ought to behave in a relationship, and feels he owes you more time than he's able to give.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You maybe weren't actually on the same page, and he has expectations of how he ought to behave in a relationship, and feels he owes you more time than he's able to give.

We hashed all this out, in more detail than I thought it really needed. LOL. Guess I was wrong, maybe he changed his mind. Who knows.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

complete, I was going to suggest that perhaps he doesn't want to invest the time. The "I don't have time to date" line is often a nice brush off.

I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't want you to pine after this guy thinking that once he gets through school then it will happen.

I'm sorry, whatever is going on it sucks when the breaks get put on a relationship.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idk...
I just read "He's Just Not That Into You" & they say if he was really interested he'd find the time & many times someone uses that excuse (time) because its easier to say then "I'm just not into you" esp if he's lead you on or you've been intimate

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jun 2012
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mmm. When a person has an exclusive conversation, a conversation that defines dating ... sometimes the aftermath is sheer panic and a rush to self protection e.g. I can't do this, "I don't have time to date."

You have several courses of action here.

1. NC, always a winner because it prevents more damage/pain.
2. Pretend you don't care, rugsweep and allow yourself to be worked over, i.e. offer friendship when you don't really feel it.
3. Allow a little grace in your heart to see that maybe he's in panic mode and just be nice about is so that when he calms down, he can circle back and ... apologize ... make it right ... etc.

If you choose 3, it might change the outcome or it might not (in so far as if he can really date you) but 3 recognizes that you weren't lied to per se. I'm thinking he may not have been lying when he had the exclusive conversation but rather only when he offered the milquetoast excuse.

(((completeshock)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mmm. When a person has an exclusive conversation, a conversation that defines dating ... sometimes the aftermath is sheer panic and a rush to self protection e.g. I can't do this, "I don't have time to date."
You have several courses of action here.

1. NC, always a winner because it prevents more damage/pain.
2. Pretend you don't care, rugsweep and allow yourself to be worked over, i.e. offer friendship when you don't really feel it.
3. Allow a little grace in your heart to see that maybe he's in panic mode and just be nice about is so that when he calms down, he can circle back and ... apologize ... make it right ... etc.

If you choose 3, it might change the outcome or it might not (in so far as if he can really date you) but 3 recognizes that you weren't lied to per se. I'm thinking he may not have been lying when he had the exclusive conversation but rather only when he offered the milquetoast excuse.

I think I'm going with NC for the moment. I mean I am not against talking with him if he reaches out to me, but I have no intentions of reaching out to him at the moment. Live and learn I guess. Onward and upward.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck that guy.

Yep, there was someone else. Seriously? 10 years of friendship and he had to go and do that. Fuck that guy. Seriously. Fuck. That. Guy.

Not to be dramatic, but of all the people in the world he would be the absolute LAST one I would suspect would have done that.

Why would he have pushed a "relationship" so hard if this is what he was going to do?

Yeah, I get it. He did cut things off with me first and that makes me feel oh, so better about it. I feel so fucked over right now.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((completeshock)))

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

There are a LOT of fucked up people in the world.

Just keep reminding yourself that you got through the infidelity -- you'll get through this.

It still sucks, though.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Dec 2011
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an asshole, I'm sorry.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! I'm so sorry, honey. What an ass. ((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25499 | Registered: Aug 2011
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why throw away 10 years of friendship? I was perfectly happy just being friends. He was the one that pushed for more. Why ask for more if it isn't what you really want?


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry CS. Good riddance but still---- Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Why ask for more if it isn't what you really want?
Some people don't really know what they want...they think they do, but what happens next scares them...I think it has more to do with him, than you...maybe he realized that you would be better off without him...

[This message edited by better4me at 4:34 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3155 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. What an idiot to have ruined your friendship for nothing.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Just…wow.

I'm sorry.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn! (((CS)))

Posts: 11685 | Registered: Mar 2008
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((CS))))

Yep - He's earned DINK status...

So sorry honey.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 427 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. He's a douche.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13768 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the love. I just got home from roller derby practice, a herd of women hitting each other has real calming effect. LOL

Now I just need to stop myself from looking at his FB. I'm not ready to block him quite yet, we have a lot of mutual friends and I don't want to be fielding those questions right now. Luckily, I've gotten really good at this focusing on myself thing. I just need to ignore, ignore, ignore.

[This message edited by completeshock at 7:38 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.