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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Live Separately?
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This man doesn't have one ounce of remorse for the devastation he's caused. How can you even consider giving the gift of reconciliation to someone who's more concerned about where his money went than the complete and utter devastation he's caused to you, your marriage and your family?

He's too damned concerned with money, he's blaming you for everything that's wrong in the world, and he's got a set of brass balls to even consider questioning YOUR loyalty because you were looking out for yourself financially and moved some money from one account to the other.

After this horrific breach of trust and the depth of his betrayal, is he honestly so deluded that he actually expected you to have ANY faith left in him at all? Seriously???

The man has been pretty straightfoward, telling you he doesn't want counseling, he isn't sure he wants to reconcile, and he's not quite sure he can commit to you.

As horrible as all that is, at least he's not just blowing smoke. But hearing all this, would you REALLY want him back home on the pretense of coparenting your teeanger?

You deserve better than that.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillStanding...what would you have done differently?

^^^^THAT is a very long list....

(I didn't find SI right away, didn't necessarily start with the right books, found an MC who was not an infidelity specialist, I was too desparate to "save" my M, etc. ad nauseum)

In short, I wouldn't have accepted so much of the blame, I would have 180'ed and harnessed my anger, I would have concentrated just on me and my kids and stopped wasting my time trying to "fix" him. (I did do a lot for me, but I simultaneously tried to help him too.) It took me a long time to get strong and make demands and mean them. I would have tried harder to implement the advice given over and over and over on this website. I would have tried to love myself enough to never accept less than I deserved (or less than I would advise my best friend to accept).

Accept this truth: you cannot make him see the "truth". You cannot "nice" him back. Let him suffer the consequences of his choices until he hits rock bottom.

Be good to yourself. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to only consider R if he finally decides he will give his all to win you back and keep you. Until then, you are just making yourself miserable.

I hope that helps! Stay strong!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is....am I able to work on this marriage with counseling etc with him not living here? Or do I need to do it when he's here?

As to your original question.... it varies depending on what YOU want. Both MCs and most books advised living together if you are trying to R, but it has to be what YOU want! My WH even asked MC1 if he needed to move back to R if it was what I wanted after reading that advice in HTHYSHFYA. Grrrr. MC1 was way too easy on him. MC2 laid into him at our 2nd appointment, after meeting with our kids alone, and admonished him that he needs to display integrity in order to regain trust. Moving in and being transparent and accountable all went hand-in-hand.

Some people like having time apart post-Dday. To clear their thoughts and settle their emotions. I don't believe there is ONE right answer. Do what works for YOU.

I will say that it is harder to foster effective communication while separated. Easier for them to play "ostrich" on the devastation they have inflicted on their family. For me, I felt we were in limbo for a year. Trying R, but not fully committed to it. Extended the pain for me. I finally started "listening" to everyone here and bought myself a pair of "bitch boots" (I didn't have any shoved into the back of my closet!).

As of Friday, I feel we finally TRULY turned the corner and are now fully ready to move forward together. It took us a year and, in many ways, our true healing is just beginning. We've made tons of progress, but we have a long way to go.

Bottom line: anything is possible. There is no one perfect path or solution. Just listen to yourself and be willing to sacrifice the M if he won't give you what you need. You deserve that much. You do. Believe it.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
huskers
♀ Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well just had 2 hour conversation at home alone with him. Listened and listened some more. He doesn't feel like he can come home because he has so much guilt. He doesn't know how he could have done what he did and still love me. So that tells him he doesn't love me. Doesn't think he can come home because how could I sleep in same bed as him. I hate his freaking guts and I love him. God I hate this. I am seeing psychologist on Wednesday. He said he was willing to go on his own. Is there any hope?

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huskers, I was thinking of you today. I said a prayer for you after I read your post earlier but I could not reply. Sometimes, there are no words.

Just from reading your posts, I know that you are an amazingly smart lady. Your husband is an ASS. He has broken your heart and I am so glad that you got him where it hurts. His BANK ACCOUNT! I'm telling you right now that if my husband had had any money when I found out about his A I would have wiped him clean. Too bad he is broke!! That is my bad ass luck.

You should give him the cold shoulder from now on. Go out and get yourself a great makeover. Haircut, hairdye, botox, boob job, whatever the hell you want. You take care of YOU. Have your best friend over. Alot. We are here for you!!!!


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
huskers
♀ Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG I love you SadInNC. I'm in Nebraska. Wish you were closer and we could visit. Also wish I had enough posts for private email so far. I love everyone on here for helping me through this. My heart is breaking for my son, for my dreams of a future with my husband, and no matter how much I tell myself he is an ass it still hurts. You all know what I mean. 27 years is tough for me to throw away

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 27 years into my marriage, too. I am a native New Yorker and if you could hear me speak, I sound like one, too! That Queens, NY accent is a tough one to loose but I've learned to OWN IT and be proud of it. It's who I am.

I'm living in North Carolina now with not so many friends around me and a crappy marriage that some days I am trying to salvage and some days, not so much. I feel lonely a lot of the time. I think it's a condition I got used to when I hybernated for so many years taking care of my sick mother. That is when my husband decided to cheat on me. I am hurting as much as all of you are right now.

Huskers, we can meet for coffee whenever you want. Or a glass of wine. We can cry in our pj's, or do shots of tequilla. We have our space right here on the internet. This can be our kitchen table, our bar or our spa if we want it to be. :)


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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