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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What does do the work mean?
lostmymind13
♂ New Member
Member # 41925
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So. I am currently going to Intensive Outpatient Therapy. I attend AA meeting four times a week or more. We are going to Marriage Counseling twice a week and I have just started Individual Counseling. My wife and many of SIers say I am not "doing" the work. What work should I be doing that I am not?


Me:WS-40
Her:BS-39
OW: Ex-girlfriend-47
Together: Almost 18 years
Marries: Almost 15 years
4 Children

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: lostmymind13
rekindle
♀ Member
Member # 42184
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you established a NC with the OW, written a 100% truthful timeline of events for your BW, communicated your sincere remorse, guilt, countless apologies, revelation, desire to change, promises to never commit betrayal again? These are some of the things I've heard from SIers from my short time here. Also remember to be compassionate during your BW's pain, be available to her 24/7, offer to talk about anything, do not be argumentative or give attitude. Be understanding, loving, and trustworthy. Those are the things that will help the healing process.


Me, WW
Him, BH
DD and baby #2 on the way
Together 9 yrs, married 4
Flirting/Boundary Breaking/Cheating for 8 years, OEA Fall 07-Feb 10 with flirty friend from 2007/2008, lied and rugswept until TT 12/13-02/14.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you going to all those excellent resources and simply putting in your time, filling a seat, just going? Or are you following up what you learn in therapy and applying the ideas to your areas you need to fix? Are you doing your homework? Embracing your recovery with self driven effort or are you just going there?

The work isn't necessarily going to counseling, it is bringing what you learn there home and integrating it into your daily life.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3585 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of things. Maybe focus on a little bit at a time. Posting more on this forum is a great way to keep you focused. Why not share your story? I'm sure there are many who can relate.
I joined AA directly after Our post false R DDay. I'm sure you've figured out that the 12 step program is full of "doing the work." Maybe you're not sharing enough and your wife isn't seeing evidence. IC is a must, and I'm sure you'll find quite a bit to work on there. Good luck.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
mindbody
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow summed it up perfectly! WSO has read many, many articles believing he is and has done the work. The work is integrating and applying what he has read to his actions and thought processes every day.

For example, if conflict avoidance is a problem you need to work on, discuss it in therapy, read about it, and learn. The real work is using that knowledge when a situation arises rather than falling back on your old habits. It's like taking drills for a sport, you must practice the skill to get better at it.

Everyday implement what you have learned when given the chance. Your wife will notice and see that you are doing the work.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Mar 2010
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto re filling the seat. Are you really starting to understand why you did this fucked up thing? Not just superficial answers, but answers that really connect to deep stuff inside of you. Sure affairs are fun, sure you could, etc. But --WHY?

And are you starting to give up the wayward mind-set? The knee-jerk selfishness? The defensiveness? The anger when confronted (alternatively, shutting down and avoiding discussion)? Most importantly, are you able to see your BS's POV and start to put her first? Are you able to anticipate triggers, comfort her when she does trigger? Do you apologize for the pain you've caused her? Are you trying to win her back?

To me, the big things are humility - accepting that you thought you knew what you were doing, but, in fact, you're messed up and need to address that -- and empathy -- really seeing and feeling how your actions have affected your BW.

Apologies if this is too 2x4 ish. I don't know your history. I hope this is helpful.


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
lostmymind13
♂ New Member
Member # 41925
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow,you may have hit the nail on the head. I think I am trying very hard to put into action all of the advice that I am receiving from all of the sources. I am struggling after a short time when BS is throwing the affair back at me. Thanks for everyone's help. I need to really buckle down and put into action everything I am learning. I remember that my BS is grieving and this is all going to take time.


Me:WS-40
Her:BS-39
OW: Ex-girlfriend-47
Together: Almost 18 years
Marries: Almost 15 years
4 Children

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: lostmymind13
Trying4change
♂ New Member
Member # 41977
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate we have to take initiative in our actions and understand what we need to do, i have faced this my self and asked what i need to do also. keep strong and think of it as enough will never be enough in a positive way if that makes sense. I tell my self i don't want it to be just enough because my BS she deserves more. Keep doing the counseling and keep up the work.


Me-WS 34
Her-BS 30 cl131716
Together 3yrs
D-Day 7/23/13
married for 1yr
2 Handsome sons together

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 8

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