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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BH's birthday
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tomorrow is my BH's birthday. I invited him for a lunchdate but he bluntly refused.

Isn't it supposedly good for our R to spend sometime together specially on special occasions like this?

I felt hurt when he turned down my invitation, though I said it's ok.

How would you have felt if you were in my shoes?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand you wanting to spend time with your BH on his birthday. I can understand wanting to build new memories together. I also think it's ok to be disappointed that he turned down your invitation, however please keep in mind that he has a valid reason to turn it down. He is hurt by your actions. So everytime you feel hurt by his reaction remind yourself where it is coming from.

In the future try to make suggestions or offerings without any expectations. When you have expectations, they often lead to resentments when they don't pan out the way we want.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 636 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
PrideFallen
♂ Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

helplessme, it's good to see you posting. I would broadly agree with WOE but in your specific case it seems like this falls into a general pattern of your BH not engaging with you and keeping you in a well, helpless limbo. Yes, you hurt him deeply and he has a right to his feelings, but at some point for you to truly be in R as you reference there needs to be engagement on both sides. Has he stuck around on the weekend or shown other signs of engaging with you over the past couple weeks?

Obviously you need to keep perspective and realize this is one event, but it does seem to fit an overall pattern that is worrisome.


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I think it's important to remember that not everything the BS does to heal needs to be conducive to reconciliation. Their only responsibility at this point is to heal. And be a good parent, if kids are in the picture.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 11:24 AM, January 26th (Sunday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1999 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt hurt when he turned down my invitation, though I said it's ok.

At the risk of sounding picky, I don't think you say something is ok when it's not (to you). It breeds resentment on your end and leaves your spouse not knowing how you really feel.

Maybe one of these would have worked for your situation...

"Well, I'm disappointed, but I understand"
"I'm so sorry I've messed up special days for us"
"Is there something you'd rather do instead?"

Etc.

Every single interaction with our spouse is a chance to build intimacy, even the ones that aren't all positive. But "that's ok" isn't going to gain you much ground.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
PrideFallen
♂ Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched - this is absolutely true:

not everything the BS does to heal needs to be conducive to reconciliation.

I was addressing, perhaps too subtly, helplessme's reference to being in R.

Helplessme - Based on what has been posted in this thread and elsewhere, it's probably worth asking the hard question of whether or not your BH is really ready for R with you. Just an outsider's perspective, but it's a question I'd be asking myself in your shoes.


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
Noturfan
♀ New Member
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heforgotme has a really good point about phrasing things, but I understand what you mean helplessme. I totally understand the hurt that my BH feels and why the OBS is as angry as she is. I can't change their context so 'I understand', 'it's ok'.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WalkingOnEggshelz,

You're right,it's better sometimes not to "expect" so that you will not be disappointed. Thank you.

PrideFallen,

He is still gone on weekends, and I do not have a clue where he goes. He also still does not give me his schedule. I am trying hard to understand and just being submissive to him right now. But I do tell him that much as I allow him to do that, I am really sad that it is not helping us.

Also, I did ask him if he is taking me back. He actually said, he has not recovered yet (we are now almost 6 months our from D day)and contemplating on D to solve his "problem". He also told me that he can not accept what I did. He is not that type of man he said. He doesn't want to be laughed at, if he does take me back.

What I am holding on to right now, is that, he still is a responsible father to the kids. He provides for all their needs. I see some care towards me too. Thus, sometimes Im really confused if he is really into D or he's just taking his time.

I would love to hear from your perspective on this guys, please...

FacePunched,

I agree, I see that my BH is taking steps to heal. An I just have to let him and respect his ways. As I've said, my BH is a good father, good provider. Only that there are times he also get into fits of rage towards the kids for some petty reasons. I really hurt him bad, I know

heforgotme,

I said "it's ok" but did also tell him that I am not happy and would really want to spend time with him. I am open to him about my feelings and he knows that. Thank you.

Noturfan,

Yes, as I have told heforgotme, I jsut simply said "it's ok" but my BH knows my heart.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
PrideFallen
♂ Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'd start with the fact that it's OK that he's not "recovered" after 6 months. My
BS is 7 months out and is nowhere near recovered. She has been in counseling, here
on SI, and reading books voraciously; we've
attended a Retrouvaille weekend and the post-
sessions. I can see a big difference now vs.
a few months ago.

I'm not saying your BH isn't working on
himself in a constructive way, but it sounds
like he hasn't taken the sorts of steps that
my BW has, and that may put him on a longer
timeline.

There's simply no way to know what your BH will end up choosing. Your A may very well be a dealbreaker for him, and he certainly could choose D. Or, he might gradually come around and be ready for R. From what you have posted it does seem like you spend a lot of heart and mind time on what he's thinking and feeling. I'm the last to criticize because I have done
exactly the same thing. You have to work on yourself, though, independent of whatever he may be doing. I think given what you've described of his pride and anger, you should be emotionally
prepared for him to choose D. That doesn't mean you give up hope, or trying for R if it's what you want. Just remember to work on yourself,
too, and maybe set up some contingency plans for yourself and your kids.

(Edited to clean up wonky formatting. Sort of.)

[This message edited by PrideFallen at 9:56 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PrideFallen,

Thank you

Neither me or my BH are on IC or MC. I am the only one here on SI. It breaks my heart knowing that my BH doesn't have anyone to talk to about the A. I am also cewrtain that he has not shared it with any of his close friends or family. You see, he is all alone in this. Except, as I have mentioned in my earlier posts, he told one of our sons. Our son is now a young adult.

This is probably why my BH is needing more time to "recover"

I am trying my best to work on myself, looking out why I had the A, showing all remorse to my BH, showering him my love and attention, and giving my all to him and the kids.

I am scared to death just thinking my BH would finally choose to D. And at present, when he acts and talks "negatively" about being in R, I just cant help but cower in fear. I am really really scared PrideFallen

And at this point, I definitely am not prepared for D. Also to add, if ever I decide to move on, I plan to get away "alone". Yes, by myself because I can not afford to support the kids financially The Lord help me!


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And there's one thing too, there are times I feel very very scared of my BH. I'm scared of his hurtful words. He also has the tendency of breaking things. Like the night of DDay, he broke our big aquarium, sending all the fishes into the rug and the living room being flooded. He also broke our LED TV. He poked his gun to my head. I was scared to death, I had to leave that night. But I came back early the next morning. Since then, I was traumatized, that he might do something like that again. Sometimes my heart races like I am having a nervous breakdown. How will I ever start healing? Specially that I feel like I am the only one working on this. I am so helpless and becoming desperately hopeless

A week after DDay, my BH started to be gone on weekends. He took a place of his own to "have some peace" he said. He leaves Friday nights and come back Monday early mornings. He told me he has to be home for the kids. And possibly to "show" the neighbors all is "normal".

Because of these previous posts you have been advised by many to get away from your BS.

I would think that the decline of an offer of a birthday lunch date would be the lest of your worries.

Priorities helplessme, priorities!

He doesn't want to reconcile, he wants to punish you.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SlowUpTake,

I must say, that day was probably his "most rage day" because it was the night of Dday. The other "scary" days that followed were all verbal attacks. He has not pulled out the gun since. Just that, that incident really scared the core of me. Thank God I have not experienced some nervous breakdown again.

Yes, I have to focus on priorities. Thank you for that SlowUpTake. And really guys, thank you for the support I have from all of you! I am on guard for whatever abuse that comes from my BH, again, if ever (Lord forbid).

And I too feel that he is punishing me
Sad to say, but that's really how I feel
Praying the punishment ends soon.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And possibly to "show" the neighbors all is "normal".
This doesn't sit right with me. It is indicative of someone who cares more for appearances than reality. Most BS I know of, myself included, only worried about what other people thought because we didn't want our WS to or ourselves to be judged for trying to R. His reasons seem to be more focused on self-image. That coupled with the destructiveness and gun poking incident points someone who needs to get some serious help.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3709 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brandon808,

My BH holds quite a remarkable position in the city where we live and he is well-known. This is why he is very careful about his image. And yes, his pride is getting in the way. I know he wants to R, but his pride is stopping him. I can feel that he may choose to take me back but his wall of pride is just too hard to break

It is also sad that he can not get help elsewhere. He doesn't have IC; none of his friends know his problem, or the family. He just told one of our sons

I can see he is working hard on trying to recover by himself, but I know that will take a long long while


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know he wants to R, but his pride is stopping him.

I can feel that he may choose to take me back but his wall of pride is just too hard to break

Gently, I just see this as wishful thinking.
His actions don't match.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 3:36 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helplessme, first I have two things that is purely my opinion. 1) BH who is really WS is making a hardline stance for someone who is also guilty of infidelity. Almost like his pain and feelings are more important then yours. 2) I think he firmly planted in an A. Your A gave him the excuse and cover he need/wants.

The biggest regret I have to this point in my life is the way I punished my exWW over the two years she thought we were in R. The truth was I left the marriage on dday and only stayed around to prove those wrong that said we would never make it. I regret not making an honest effort, I regret the thing I did with the intent of hurting her. Including not showing up to her birthday party and when she asked what happened "oh, that was today I forgot" of course I hadn't. And excluding her in my planned birthday trip a few months before.

I was an a$$ and she didn't deserve it, even after the affair. It was emotional and mental abuse.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
PrideFallen
♂ Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

helplessme, when you talk about how frightened you are (I think very understandably) it worries me and I think everyone else who has read your posts.

I can sit here, far removed, and come to a conclusion from what I've read of your situation - frankly I agree with SlowUptake that you are maybe engaging in some wishful thinking - but in terms of helping you process your situation, your feelings, and your options the SI community can only help you to a degree.

You reference how important your BH is in your city; if it's a city of any size at all I would hope that there is counseling available. I know you've said there isn't but it seems very strange to me. And even if it's true, I think you're at a point where you really need to do something for yourself, and if that means a drive of even several hours to get IC, isn't that a small price to pay? I'm pretty confident that the threat of abuse that's still out there in your relationship will open doors for you if you reach out to a counselor.

[This message edited by PrideFallen at 11:19 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrsblind,

The truth was I left the marriage on dday and only stayed around to prove those wrong that said we would never make it

Honestly, sometimes I feel like my BH decided this too. He is just "home" for the kids (which is of course a good thing) but I guess would not help our attempt at R (if ever there is) because I feel like I'm on this journey alone.

I pray that he would not feel like you're feeling now 2yrsblind. To regret that he did not give me a chance. I gave him his chance when he had his A's. Not that I am demanding "tooth for a tooth" but I hope he realizes that I did not turn my back on him then.

Right now, I am mentally and emotionally abused

PrideFallen,

Thank you, you've been so faithful in following my story and I am thankful for your genuine concern. I am trying very very hard to remain in this situation until at least I see the light; some hope from my BH

You reference how important your BH is in your city; if it's a city of any size at all I would hope that there is counseling available. I know you've said there isn't but it seems very strange to me

I havent told you guys that I live outside of the US, and really counselling is very rare here. In addition to that, my family is well-known and my BH will not allow me to see an IC knowing that we will be exposed and that will hurt his career


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave him his chance when he had his A's.

WTF. This is a new revelation.
A very important fact that normally would have been revealed at the beginning.

I havent told you guys that I live outside of the US, and really counselling is very rare here. In addition to that, my family is well-known and my BH will not allow me to see an IC knowing that we will be exposed and that will hurt his career

A very convenient reason.

I'm starting to feel toyed with.

I'm outta here.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:39 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
PrideFallen
♂ Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what you've posted, these two statements:

BH will not allow me to see an IC knowing that we will be exposed and that will hurt his career

I gave him his chance when he had his A's

Sum up your relationship pretty well.

I'm not sure exactly where you live and maybe you'd be swimming against a cultural current, but I hope that you give a lot of thought to doing what YOU NEED to do, to hell with what your BH will "allow" you do to.

If you live in a place where going against your husband's wishes could endanger your safety/life, and your own family wouldn't protect you from him, then I admit I'm way out of my league in being able to suggest anything.


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 31
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