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Newest Member: walker2014 (44332)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Asking questions.....
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my H if he was with this particular girl while we were dating and he said no but the got mad and told me that I need to stop and let us move forward to think about how he feels. He tired of my questioning and thinks I'll never get over what was done years ago. Should I really stop and move forward? How can I really do that?


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have reason to believe he isn't telling the truth? Without something to back it up then I think the issue really isn't this girl. The issue is that you don't trust him. Maybe he hasn't earned that trust or maybe he once had it and has since lost it. I'm no expert in these matters but I can see how he might get frustrated if he really didn't do anything with this girl. Again, this seems symptomatic of some other part of the relationship that needs to be addressed. He should be just as aware of that as anyone. Maybe the question shouldn't be, "Were you with her?" Maybe the question should be, "I need to learn how to trust you again. How can we do that?"


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to trust him again, it's just hard. I had trusted him with everything until I found out what he did. I feel like there are things he kept hidden and I don't know why I want to know its just keep playing back in my head. I believe he's been faithful since we got married should I only care about that since we are married now?


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like you have had 3 ddays (or he has had 3 affairs?).

Getting angry when asked questions is a typical thing for an unremorseful WS. Throw in the, " think how I feel" bullshit, AND his rushing you to rugsweep and move forward on HIS timeline..yeah..it sounds like he was with this other girl when you were dating.

At this point,with 3 dday, or 3 seperate incidences of being unfaithful, he should be putting YOUR feeling ahead of his. He should be willing to answer all of your questions, without anger, or defensiveness, for as long as you need to ask them. It takes years to heal from this shit...and with 3 ddays...it sounds like he isn't doing anything to fix his issues.

What, exactly, has he done to become a safe partner for you?

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:21 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He cheated 3 different times (that I know of). Said we weren't married and didn't think our relationship would last cuz if our age differences. Said we weren't exclusive at the beginning of our relationship (I thought we were). He's changed his phone #, I have his passwords, checks up on my all day. He said he's ready to move forward but I just discovered all of this after we were married.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in couple's counseling? There are obvious communication and trust issues to be resolved. Secrets don't help a marriage. If he wants to commit to you then that includes being honest and forthright. If you want to commit to him that includes trust. One of those can't really exist without the other. He can't just through, "You should trust me" back into your face if he's not willing to be completely open with you.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the one taking counseling, he said that it really needs to be in the past. That we weren't even married. I'm hurt for what he did and everyone I have spoken to has said it was before marriage and a long time ago. 5 years Before we were even engaged. He said he's said all that he needs to, don't need that much clarity because we weren't even committed. My counselor is helping cope with all my pain.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he should take it from me. When a spouse asks for counseling it is a cry for help no matter what the other partner might think. I was blind to that and now I'm playing "what if" scenarios through my head as I'm trying to save my marriage. Even if he doesn't think he doesn't need it I hope he sees that YOU do. That should be enough for him.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I wrong for asking questions? Should I leave it on the past? Should I just see it as something before marriage?


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were in a committed relationship and he cheated. Im guessing you found all of this out on your own? He didn't tell you anything that you didn't have proof of?

By his reasoning..he didn't think it'd last because of the age difference..you weren't married yet..then if that is how he felt..then he should have been upfront with you that he was having sex with other people. That he didn't tell you? yeah..because he was cheating..he knew it was wrong..and that's why he hid it from you.

Also..if he didn't think it was a big deal, he should have told you before you got married,so you had the right to make an informed decision about whether you wanted to marry him or not.

He cheated. You get to ask questions.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are my thoughts but he believes it wasn't any of business. I'm afraid I can't move forward and this will all end. :(


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he ends it because he doesn't like your questions then shame on him and good for you. I hope you get to point where the questions are unnecessary. Only he can help you get to that point. If he's committed to the relationship then he will give you that help. If he doesn't, then you know where he stands.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's answering them... Don't know if he's being honest if them. Said he's being hurt as well because he know I don't fully trust him. He says he's learned from his mistakes in the past but he really wants to move forward. Never thought he would get married and he never wanted too until he realized he loved me. I was betrayed and that hurts so much.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never thought he'd do that to me, was in the beginning of our relationship where I was falling in love. Guess he wasn't feeling the same.

[This message edited by yme32313 at 2:48 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't believe telling you he was having sex..probably unprotected..with other women..was any of your business??

I wonder, if you had been screwing around with other men before you were married, and just now told him, would he be ok with it?

He wants you to rugsweep. His feeling are hurt that you don't trust him?? That's a consequence of lying and cheating on your BW..they stop trusting you!!


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked the same question and he said he would have to just deal with it. Because he's married to me now.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's different when there are "what if" questions.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he managed to get you to say I do before he got busted so he believes he committed no offense?

Would you have married him if you had found out when these things occurred?

I wouldn't ask him questions. I'd Hefty bag his belongings and 180 his unremorseful, lying, manipulating, rug-sweeping butt.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3587 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 meaning? Leave him?


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cut and paste this link into your browser bar -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

it is from the healing library (that yellow box over there on the upper left corner of your screen).

the 180 is about detaching from an unhealthy WS and taking care of you. Sometimes that can have the effect of encouraging the WS to extract their cranium from their rectum, but certainly not always. It is not about that, anyway. It is about you focusing on you and taking care of you.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3587 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 20

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