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Newest Member: LostinBluseas (45054)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need reassurance?
fooled08
♀ Member
Member # 21827
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! It's been a long time since I've posted on these boards (lurk...yes), but haven't posted in awhile.

My divorce was final in Jan. 09, husband cheated. I got into a relationship with an old hs boyfriend just 4 months later (bad, I know). We dated two years (lived an hour and a half apart, saw each other every weekend). I ended it in March 2011. because I realized it wasn't what I ultimately wanted long term.

I stayed single (2 dates total) from Mar '11 until June 2012. I went on an impromptu 'date' with a guy I used to work with that I could never picture myself with. We had a blast! We laughed until I was in tears, and went out again. It turned into a full blown relationship. The last two weeks though have been very hard for us. The relationship felt almost forced. I haven't done things that I used to do for him (bake, give cards, etc). Our conversations have been difficult, at best...we can literally sit in a room together and not talk.

Last night we addressed it, and decided to take a break. I cried and cried, but today I woke up relieved that I dont have to deal with that uncomfortable silence. Also, the past while, I have been getting stressed and felt depressed because I felt stuck. I don't know that I am happy in my job, and he will live here forever, and I just felt like the walls were closing in. We were randomly looking at houses online, and I would get excited, but then wake up wondering if this is what I really want.

The problem is, he is the best boyfriend I've ever had. He opened my car door every single time - rain, snow, whatever. He was very attentive, showered me with gifts, etc. I just sometimes questioned my attraction to him, and i feel terrible saying that, because there is so much more than that. I certainly have my share of flaws. We didn't have the best intimate life, and toward the end we struggled so much, that we just kind of stopped.

I am okay being by myself, but I am so afraid to let him go, because guys like him just don't come around that often:(.

Any advice??


me: 34
xh: 30
D-Day: 10/08
Divorced 1/09
No children

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Iowa
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice, just a hug

((Fooled))


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
finallymefirst
♀ Member
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Relationships are so hard sometimes. Try not to be too hard on yourself and don't let the fact that you miss him distort your view of the problems in the relationship. (((fooled 08)).

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
griefandrelief
♀ Member
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Fooled))
You describe how I felt when I began my relationship with my W and soon-to-be XH. You take what you get and don't feel you deserve more.

But you do! You so totally do deserve all of your dreams and desires to come true. Don't rush it.work on making yourself happy and complete. Happiness attracts happiness.

Good luck.


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((fooled))

The other 4 letter word, time, will help. I know it's hard.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2591 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cried and cried, but today I woke up relieved that I dont have to deal with that uncomfortable silence.
Listen to that relief. That is a pretty significant way your heart is telling you what is best for you. And letting him go means he can find what is best for him too.

(((fooled)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
fooled08
♀ Member
Member # 21827
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses. I didn't listen to my gut when I first met my now xh, and there were times in this relationship that I felt like I wasn't listening to it again:(. I am just so afraid to trust myself because what if I'm wrong, and I let him go? he is such a good guy, I just dont know that we are 100% for each other:(

I will definitely give it time. I also need to take up some new hobbies (and make some friends).


me: 34
xh: 30
D-Day: 10/08
Divorced 1/09
No children

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Iowa
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you weren't connecting physically, the rest of his good qualities just aren't enough. It's too bad, but you can't argue with missing chemistry, no matter how much you think they are a good guy.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he was that great of a match otherwise, I would want to investigate the intimate issues that were coming up. Was it just general incompatibility, different levels of interest, or something else? You are pretty young for the general dysfunction possibilities, but even those can be helped by medication.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friend and I were just talking about the guilt that comes with not feeling attracted to someone and how we sometimes try to talk ourselves into being attracted to them so we don't seem/feel shallow. But it's so much deeper than that, isn't it? It's not about whether or not someone is attractive, it's about whether or not you're attracted to him.

I think chemistry is too important to ignore. Sure it waxes and wanes over the years, but it seems like you two are pretty early on for it to have faded.


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
fooled08
♀ Member
Member # 21827
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think because I hear of all of the struggles people have with dating, it makes me feel guilty to let go of a perfectly good guy. I know my gut is telling me it's just not there, but my guilt is getting the best of me. Honestly, when I think of a future with him, I know we would be comfortable, and he wouldn't cheat, but there just wouldn't be that spark. And I wonder if at 37, is it "elementary" of me to want that?

I am perfectly content in being alone (maybe a little too content with that), so why would I settle for anything less than everything that I want? Why do I have all of this guilt? He deserves someone better than me, who would feel so lucky every day to have him, and isn't with him because on paper, he's perfect. Ugh, why am I struggling with being honest with myself and my feelings?


me: 34
xh: 30
D-Day: 10/08
Divorced 1/09
No children

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Iowa
Topic Posts: 11

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