Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: tryingtolove (44683)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3rd date with O.L.D guy
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Met this really nice guy on OLD. Too bad I think I'm going to have to break it off. :(

A big part of his marriage ending was that he cheated on his wife and left her. He seems to have done a lot of introspection and has made a lot of positive changes. He really seems to have learned from the experience and is very remorseful. He is really respectful toward me and is not pushy and he really seems to genuinely like me.

But I just can't do it. I can't date someone who has done this. It hits too close to home for me. So now I have to break it off somehow.

I feel so crippled by my fear and emotions sometimes.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1566 | Registered: Aug 2010
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((R&b))

I get that. I don't think I could do it either.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7537 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((r&b))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24961 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, I had this happen too. I finally told him that I deserved to be with someone I was comfortable with…and so did HE. He also deserved to be with someone that was more sympathetic to his past. He took it well.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
finallymefirst
♀ Member
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That would be too triggery for me now, but maybe in a few years. If he were the kind of ws that was truly remorseful and wanted to reconcile, but it was a deal-breaker for the bs. Someone who really felt the loss and consequences of his betrayal.. That sounds too Pollyanna lol..... Ok that would be a no.

(((R&B))) just take a few deep breaths and be honest with him.


Posts: 119 | Registered: Oct 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so crippled by my fear and emotions sometimes.

So sorry for the pain you are going through.

It's important to ask yourself; how long are you going to allow the affair to define yourself and the decisions you make going forward? I completely understand what you are saying and your reasons, but it's something to think about before breaking things off.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:01 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((randb)))

I think for me, it would all depend on what kinds of "growth" he's had since then...and maybe one can't tell that by date #3 or #4 or #16.

On the other hand, that thing we used to say; "once a cheater..." would be going through my head too...ugh. Sorry this is happening to you.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3081 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
lostandhopless
♂ Member
Member # 41568
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may be shallow, but for me it would be a deal breaker also...
I don't think I could ever fully trust that person and that is not fair to either of us..JMO


Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....

Divorced 6/13/14


Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2013
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH was former WH. He talked a good game of growth: put God first, had insight iNto why he married the wrong woman, made amends with his son. But all his good deeds in hindsight were just mirroring my coaching to him. He never really changed (and still hasnt, based on how he's treating our kids now).

Do you really want to interrogate any prospective date about his mental state? Its just not worth it.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate that we tiptoe around this sometimes because as part of SI we experience WS who become truly introspective, demonstrate growth and repair their M's.

Asking me to accept that someone is a fWS and has remained faithful in their marriage post-A is an easy thing to do, my mind is not troubled by it. Asking me to have sympathy for them in that context is easy too.

In other contexts though, I experience extreme cognitive dissonance because I interpret it as a person who when their back is up against the wall will take the easy way out no matter the collateral damage, no matter the promises made before God/country/law/family, no matter the loyalty owed. And that's where I fail to be sympathetic or willing. Not just for dating, but close friendship, doing business ... This isn't a waywards are bad people, betrayers are good people thing. This is a metric I use to bring peace to my mind and be content. It relieves me from living with doubt. It's a self protective move for sure, but one that I think is good for me given what I know now about people's behavior in general, my reaction to it/ability to handle it.

I suppose my opinion may change in the future but I'm not troubled by my opinion, I come by it honestly, and I'm good with living by it.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3055 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I usually tiptoe around this as well, but this:

It's important to ask yourself; how long are you going to allow the affair to define yourself and the decisions you make going forward? I completely understand what you are saying and your reasons, but it's something to think about before breaking things off.

made me so angry in a blame the victim sort of way that I had to respond.

After all the reading and research I've done on real, sustained change, I will never date a "former" wayward. It's not because I'm not healed -- it's because I make smart bets about my life. No, you never know 100% about people (though I suspect some day in the future, there will be a way to tell if someone has the likelihood of being a cheater -- either through genetic markings or fMRI or something we can't conceive of now.) People rarely make changes about who they are fundamentally. They can fake it for a while, but usually fall back into old patterns. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and just look at how many people have multiple D-Days, even after what they thought was True R, or how many people gave a "former" wayward (someone who cheated in a previous relationship) a chance, only to find out that they weren't special and the cheater cheated again?

But, would you say the above sentence to a person who refused to date a "former" rapist? Or let a "former" animal abuser pet-sit for them?

There are plenty of good, honest, faithful people out there, and I don't think it's too much to hold out for one of them.

(((ruinedandbroken))) Do not allow anyone to try to make you feel bad about yourself for making this choice. You're allowed to want to continue to date or not date anyone you want, for any reason.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3312 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK; how many times have we heard about a member being badly hurt by a cheating former BS? It's more about the person than the act. And I think it's a huge stretch to compare former waywards to rapists and animal abusers--unless they are sociopaths. To say that a wayward can't change is doing a serious disservice to many the former waywards on this site--and not just the ones who stayed M to their BS; some were just in the wrong marriage or couldn't salvage the relationship.

The thing is I couldn't know someone well enough to make an informed judgement on this after 3 dates; I'd certainly know whether or not I'm attracted or interested, but to know the person's deepest personality traits? I don't think so.

You have to feel comfortable about dating someone, so you're making a good choice for yourself, but if you found out about his past on the first or second date, why did you go to the third?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20000 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you tried not to let your ex's affair define you on this one at all. You gave it a shot...three dates and it's just something you cannot get past. I would have no issue with ending it now than dragging it on only knowing the inevitable. It's what dating is all about anyhow. Trying on different people to see which one fits.

His past is just that...his. These are his ongoing consequences of cheating then leaving his fBS. It doesn't just end with his divorce and some perceived personal introspect. Like our scars that we will carry the rest of our live's, that is his. And yes most of us will carry this much of our lives because it's been a life altering event for us. I wouldn't be interested in going through it twice that's for sure. His past is not attractive to you. If it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work. Don't feel terrible about it at this stage. It's early on in the game for you with him and you truly don't know how "remorseful" or "enlightened" he actually is. His representatives are still there dating you and there could be a chance he's saying what he thinks you want to hear knowing you're a BS. After all, he's been to this rodeo before and is well aware of the damage it does to another's life. For him to tell you..."it was a long time coming in his previous marriage" is BS and frankly I would be insulted. To me that's still blameshifting and he's trying to downplay his past because he's interested in you. What I would ask him is if he's told any of his other dates that he's a WS and what their reactions were. My guess is a few of them ran too. And he's probably learned what to say because of that.

I actually think about my exWW dating (don't know if she is, don't care) and what she's telling anybody about her infidelity or about me. What she did to me did not fall under "it was a long time coming". It fell under..."I am a broken validation seeking little girl inside and my ego got the better of me. But I'd rather run and destroy my BH's life than work on my own FOO issues".

I would never date a WS learning what I know now. Best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. I don't think people change their zebra stripes all that much when you've reached our age I'm sorry. He's admitted to what he's capable of. To me his past is the grand-daddy of all red flags.

Too many other good men out there to try on believe me.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:12 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, would you say the above sentence to a person who refused to date a "former" rapist? Or let a "former" animal abuser pet-sit for them?

Personally, I would not compare former WS's to rapists or animal abusers.

We are all victims of our fears and emotions. I believe it is important to look beyond those fears so that we make choices based on wisdom, instead of fear. We can then feel more confident that our decisions are derived from our strengths, not our weaknesses.

There are plenty of good, honest, faithful people out there, and I don't think it's too much to hold out for one of them.

And some of them may be reformed WS's. There are a number of them right here on SI.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I can share is that my STBX was married three times and I know that he cheated on the last two wives and all bets are on that he cheated on the first one. He never expressed any remorse or took responsibility for any of the affairs.

For me, it's too much of a trigger to get involved with a man who was not faithful. I only had one conversation with a man who admitted to cheating on his wife, went on about how he wasn't getting enough sex at home and that was it for me. Never talked to him again.

We have to do what honors us. We have to do what feels right to us. We are here to support each other in finding our own truth.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 467 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if you found out about his past on the first or second date, why did you go to the third?

I went on the third date because I really didn't have as clear of a picture on the first two.

I absolutely believe that there are WS out there that have learned from their experiences and have worked on themselves and have made their marriage and spouse a priority. None of us are perfect. I've read the WS board a few times and I think it is amazing how some of the WS have such empathy for their BS. (I think it's amazing because my EX had none. Still doesn't.)

The issue here is more me than him. I don't doubt that he may have learned from what he did. It is very possible. I just don't think *I* can do it. It triggers a lot of pain in me and I haven't been able to get past it. I think it would be easier for me to see past an infidelity where he tried to work it out with his wife than an infidelity where he left his wife. My xh left and I haven't been the same since. If I had to guess what Hell is like, I would say that was it. It's just too much of a trigger for me. Doesn't feel right.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1566 | Registered: Aug 2010
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I believe in personal growth and second chances. For me it would be a much bigger deal on how they talk about it, the introspection they have done, and the changes they have made. I read in the wayward section enough that I believe I understand what a remorseful FWS looks and sounds like, and would probably feel safer dating someone who speaks of being a FWS like they do than dating someone who states that they never cheated. Remember waywards lie, so just because someone says they didn’t cheat doesn’t mean it is true and just because someone hasn’t cheated in the past doesn’t mean they won’t in the future.

Big disclaimer - I have no idea about this situation other than this one line so none of this may actually apply, it is just my take on it. So for example:

XH was former WH. He talked a good game of growth: put God first, had insight iNto why he married the wrong woman,…
This one line has more red flags in it, from my perspective, than the person being a former wayward.
I have no objection to putting God first, but my XWW used God to justify her A and then used God to justify rug sweeping. From my perspective, someone who truly puts God first doesn’t really talk about it, because they don’t need to, it shows through in their actions and anyone who does talk a lot about it is doing it for a reason (avoiding responsibility, feeling better about themselves, etc.).
Anyone who talks about insight into ‘marrying the wrong woman’ (or man in my case) as reason to having an A would be an instant deal breaker for me, it is not owning their shit and blaming the M for their A. I get marrying the wrong person as reason for being D, but they better have way better insights into why they were wayward and growth they have done based off of that.
I absolutely believe that there are WS out there that have learned from their experiences and have worked on themselves and have made their marriage and spouse a priority. None of us are perfect. I've read the WS board a few times and I think it is amazing how some of the WS have such empathy for their BS. (I think it's amazing because my EX had none. Still doesn't.)
Sounds like a similar view to mine.
The issue here is more me than him. I don't doubt that he may have learned from what he did. It is very possible. I just don't think *I* can do it. It triggers a lot of pain in me and I haven't been able to get past it.
I get this, and I don’t think anyone would blame you for walking away. Heck, I’m dating someone right now that said something on our last date that really triggered me (not even former wayward). It is something I will need to discuss with her (probably multiple times) in order to understand if I’m ok with where she is coming from (if I can even get there). Have you tried to discuss this with him?


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2011
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I
think it would be easier for me to see past an infidelity where he tried to work it out with his wife than an infidelity where he left his wife

Yes those are two huge differences I believe in also. And like you I unfortunately also experienced the later with an unremorseful WW. So it's the only experience I have to go on. I could count on two fingers how many times I heard "I'm sorry" out of her mouth. I never saw one tear out of her. I didn't get to even make the decision to stay or leave. So yeah my perception is probably a bit skewed I'll admit. And yes her actions have defined me to an extent. Who wouldn't be.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could never date someone who cheated on his wife. I don't care what people say about how people can change, etc. In my opinion, people are who they are.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3296 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could never date someone who cheated on his wife. I don't care what people say about how people can change, etc. In my opinion, people are who they are.

I don't think this is true. If you are saying people are who they are from a certain age on, perhaps. But, I have done things in my early years that I would NEVER think of doing now.


Posts: 1389 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.