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Newest Member: Makeitstop85 (44953)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Steaming mad
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the discoveries post-Dday was the fact my H had a love nest he rented and furnished - having shopped for some of the furniture with OW. I was devastated his "fantasy" life went as far as to include a place they met and planned "escape to". Now he says it was something he never could act on and could never have left but it remains a horrible fact that he used that place for sex while I was home with my son or at work. He gave notice and needs to move the stuff out end of month and actually suggested he bring the stuff to ours to store until he can "get rid of it" - I was shocked when he suggested that in offhand way particularly as I made how upset i was about the fact existed pretty clear. After a sleepless night I raised the topic this morning - stupidly even trying to be reasonable saying "don't be upset but I need to talk to you about the furniture you planned to store here as I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it" and went on to tell him I can't have any of it in my home as a reminder of what he did and planned behind my back. He had the nerve to get really angry and tell me I was unreasonable and this was as usual a "demand" and not an option for him. I told him it was grossly insensitive of him to plan bringing it here in first place - he's had 5 months to get rid of it through ads or put in storage. I told him what he did with it was his problem but it wouldn't be coming into my home. I cannot believe he actually thinks he has a right to bring that crap into my life. Like his cheating isn't present everyday in my life without physical reminders of his promises to his girlfriend. He then spent rest of breakfast ignoring me while reading paper. It makes me wonder if he has come anywhere near far enough to properly R....Not sure how best to handle. I left the house without discussing further. Didn't get angry or lose my cool (which is tough for me as am hot-headed). Plan on doing some thinking and getting some distance.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Sep 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally uncool! Way insensitive. Few of us could handle that.

You are right to see this as a stumbling block.

Glad you are being strong. Best of luck.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1731 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only would the furniture NOT be coming into my home, I would not be ok with him storing it.

It would need to be donated to a homeless shelter or another worthy cause.

His selfishness for even attempting to put any of this on you is unthinkable.

It appears he may need some surgery to pull that head out of his ass. He isn't planted in R if this is his behavior regarding this monumental betrayal!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:04 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He left me a vmail saying he realises he "could have handled it better" this morning and that it is a sensitive thing for me but that he found how we communicate so difficult. It sounded like he is trying to apologize and still find an excuse at same time...I liked the homeless shelter suggestion and thought of that myself before I left the house this morning but decided not to inflame things any further. Honestly how he deals with it is not my problem - his to sort and i want nothing to do with it and he is completely unreasonable to think I have to...I don't care if it is a giant waste of money - renting a pad for 12 months was that anyway so this is hardly an excuse to house it in our basement.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Sep 2013
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grossly insensitive is an under statement. Thats pretty ballsy to ask you to keep that stuff to your house. Good for you for standing your ground, expressing your feelings and not allowing that to be brought into your home.

your feelings, sense of safety and your mental well being are worth FAR more than the money lost on some furniture. your WH should see that, and get rid of that crap...the money lost is irrelevant compared to the emotional toll of having that shit in your home.

hugs to you!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If for some reason he decides to bring it to your home, I know I would then be dragging it to the curb with a huge, giant FREE sign posted on every single item before the day was out. That or call a homeless shelter - they often have people willing to come and pick items up.

Really awful of him to even think of bringing it to your home.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Jan 2013
sweetsteps
♀ New Member
Member # 41450
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not cool at all....not only would I not be allowing him to bring it into our household I would not be allowing him to use our money to waste by paying to store it....needs to go and I would not be any part of it

Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto the others. And... Why does he still have this furniture 4 months after your SI join date?? What the heck? Oh, I'm angry for you! He is being, ugh, so much more than insensitive!
You must be tempted to tell him to use his precious furniture in his NEW bachelor pad where he'll be living if he doesn't stop acting like a selfish child!

I'm so sorry. I really hope he comes home full of remorse, not only for the A but for the way he treated you this morning.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 924 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that he even had the thought that it was OK to suggest this - never mind the gall to actually say it to you and get narked because it upset you - says to me that he is nowhere near being either fully remorseful or understanding of what his affair has done to you. That he would think to store furniture that he and OW bought together for 'their place' in his family home says a lot about him in my opinion...and not in a good way. I am literally astounded.


MJane, the way I would handle this is simple. If it were me I'd tell him..

Get. Rid. Of. It. NOW.

Donate it. Burn it. Smash it up and take it to the Tip. Anything at all - but do not spend family money storing it or advertising it for sale and do not bring it into my presence or home.

Phew. I'm steaming mad for you.

((MJane))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
hikingwithkoda
♂ Member
Member # 41891
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly had to re-read the original post, because I couldn't believe I had understood it the first time. I'm the first male voice in this thread, but I am 100% with the others. "Jaw-dropping" is the only word I can think of to describe his suggestion. True remorse would mean single-handedly getting rid of the stuff so it doesn't impact your life in the slightest. Even having you help with the Craigslist ad is too much. But to store it at your home? Un-freaking-believable.


Me: BH, 50
Her: WW, 50
D-Day 12/27/2013 3-month PA with family friend

But also:
Me: WH, 50
Her: BW, 50
D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened 14-15 years ago w/coworker)


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe this is just me, but, I'd have a nice, big bonfire.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1962 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
creativecat
♀ Member
Member # 41728
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionicgal...I'm with you. Or, make him sell it and buy you something you want for YOUR home, or depending on how much it is all worth, take a small trip or do something nice for YOU. Yeah, that he would think it was OK to bring home????? Uh, no.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Dec 2013
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unreal & insensitive to say the least. I do agree with your statement
It makes me wonder if he has come anywhere near far enough to properly R

He needs to see how this hurts you. I know hat had my FWSO used our bed or couch it would have been pitched in a millisecond. Never mind string the constant reminder.

I would say that if it shows up cal Big Brother/Big Sister, they will even send a truck and carry it off for you.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am simply stunned!! He had months to get rid of his love nest furniture and now is thinking he wants to bring it to your house???

Who the hell would think this way? He needs be be a thousand percent remorseful right now and getting rid of everything that is a bad reminder to you is only the first step toward the rebuilding and helping you to heal.

Me just being me I would have likely demanded the key to the place and thrown all the furniture on the front lawn and lit a huge bonfire and watched it burn for my own pleasure.... but that is just me.... others may have more restraint.


Posts: 1179 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We burnt stuff touched by OW. Id have him burn it if possible or take to dump or donate. And then he should pay you in cash what it all cost and any cash spent related to OW.

I charged 1000 dollars for each item OW left in our house hidden for me to find. And that wasn't high enuf.

This is a form of earning your forgiveness and makin amends IMHO.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loved the bonfire idea! The idea of having anything in my home that the OW touched or that was part of their sordid little fantasy makes me ill...I didn't respond to calls/mails from my H and he seemed to finally get what an idiotic suggestion he'd made and apologized. He's there today sorting out the flat and the stuff. He is a classic compartmentalizer and I think in his head he just wants to forget and move on and doesn't get that we can't do that till he faces up to a few truths.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Sep 2013
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad he apologised. But I'm curious MJane, because this was SO outlandish a suggestion, was he specific about his apology? Do you think he 'really' got how bad that really was to think that was OK to suggest?

.....and on a lighter note... did you get to give him any good 'suggestions' about what to do with that furniture?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go as far as suggesting he keep the furniture AND the place because he needs some place to stay now.

My h got rid of a truck because the OW rode in it. We gave away furniture we had from our home because she had touched it.

You are not unreasonable. He has cranial rectitus.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
creativecat
♀ Member
Member # 41728
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"cranial rectitus" is my new favoritest phrase evah.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Dec 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update? Where did the furniture end up?


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 924 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 20

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