It has been a long time since I have posted. I have been lurking a lot, reading in D/S and NB a lot, and still read here often too.
Well things with our M have not changed, but I feel like I have changed a ton for the positive.
All of you who kept telling me (and my BW) that we needed to really go NC were right. Since December we really have been better about it. I have stopped using her as an emotional sounding board and support system. It has helped me detach from her, and not be so dependent on her. She still asks for advice on her business partnership now and then, and I try to support her as I can, but I have grown to accept that it is only me helping her with that one thing. It is not an indication of anything else in our relationship, or a signal that she will one day take me back.
That detachment has helped me a lot. I no longer spend every day thinking about her, what she is doing, and what I can do to win her back. I have accepted that she does not want me back, and that, in reality, I deserve someone (at some point) who will love and trust me because I have changed and not the same person I was. I don't know if that will happen, right now my focus is being a dad, building better connections with my friends, and work, but not thinking my life is over because BW will not take me back is progress.
I still have bad days where the guilt crashes in, but I look at that as a good thing. A reminder of how far I fell, and how much more I can grow in this process. I know that BW struggles, but with the help of my IC I am realizing that I cannot control her. All I can do is not do anything to make things harder for her.