"You are free to choose but your are not free of the consequences from your choice"
I'm so sorry you're feeling to distraught...the lack of sleep is not helping the situation at all.
Since MC isn't an option right now, I think its fair of you to sit down with your H and ask him if you two can come to an agreement to set specific times that you talk about the A. This way this is some sort of structure that will help you both but also give you a schedule that you can actually sleep.
I know that the first year or so I was sleep deprived as well (so was my H) and it makes it almost impossible to function for your daily work schedule.
Also, you may want to download wwwaftertheaffair.net. It's a good read for WS's and I think about $10.00.
Please keep reaching out to us here.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
When I started therapy in June, the concept of loving myself? What a joke. My therapist took me through these exercises called EFT (emotional freedom technique) which (Google it!) looks like goofy nonsense, but it works. Anyway, as part of it you say something like, "Even though I hurt my husband terribly with my actions, I truly and deeply love and accept myself." At first I couldn't even force my mouth to say the words. Truly and deeply accept myself? Yeah, no, I couldn't imagine it. The best I could do was, "...I'm open to considering the possibility that one day I could love and accept myself."
But now I do truly and deeply love and accept myself. When my BH vents his hurt with negative words and labels, it hurts, and I feel sad. Devastated sometimes. But I love and accept myself, I know I'm on the healing path, and staying on it no matter what.
Aside from SI, what are you doing to heal? If you can't afford counseling, what are you reading?
Can you appeal to BH's sense of practicality, and tell him you are afraid of losing your job? That you're worried that losing your job will make things *even harder* on the family? Therefore you're requesting that personal talks are scheduled from X time to Z time...and that once you're in bed, there is no discussion? Are you still in the same bedroom? Would he agree to you sleeping in another room, if your presence in his/your bed is too triggery for him right now?
Do you own a firearm? If so, ask a trusted family member to keep it for you for awhile. Or, ask BH to hide it.
The anti-depressants would probably seem like they were working if you were able to get some real sleep. Don't give up on taking those because you don't feel they're working.
And don't worry so much about your BH getting mad about what you're posting here. He's pissed off anyway, so will posting make it worse?