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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: And the family saga continues.....
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I was out yesterday with my dad at a local paint store picking out swatches for Piper and my room for when we move when he gets a phone call from my sister. Apparently, someone slashed all of her tires sometime on Saturday night.

And, guess who was suspect # 1!!!!??? And, if not me....my friends! All of which, btw, have maybe at most....a speeding ticket criminal record!!!!

Then....I dropped dad off and he went to her house to fix her stupid tires and was supposed to call me back and let me know what was going on. He never did.... 8pm came...and I called him....ironically...right at the moment everyone is singing "Happy Birthday" to my sister in the background. (Her birthday is today but they were apparently celebrating a day early)

What upsets me about this.....is that dad told me he had to go to a friend's house that night. We were ALL supposed to go to a family dinner for her birthday on Saturday and I was going to "suck it up" for a couple of hours and be the bigger person and even got my sister a card and had picked out a cute outfit for Piper when she cancelled on us an hour before dinner. (big surprise).

I felt very betrayed and hurt that they left Piper and I out of everything. I understand that she doesn't like me....and the feeling is mutual...but she hasn't even asked about my daughter in over 13 days..... a child that she supposedly "loves" so much! And, I was hurt and mad at my dad for celebrating with her after she accused me of slashing her tires! She made me out to be a criminal and they go out and celebrate!!!!!!! I know I know...he's stuck in the middle...but there seems to be a fine line of decency being crossed here a little as well.

Last night I turned my phone off and finished my work that I had to get done for my job today to play catch up and then turned it back on and returned my dad's billion messages (as he felt like an ass). I told him that I want nothing to do with my sister. I don't know what the future will bring, but if she is going to stoop to this level of trying to accuse me of criminal activity when I have never been to jail a moment in my life!

I even have an alibi for that night (My best friend had me come over and stay with her and her husband that night and we even have a picture of us at a local Mexican restaurant because they treated me and Piper to dinner!) Her husband is HOLDING Piper in the picture!

UGH.... I'm so angry right now.... but I've remained NC with her...and will continue to do so. She just put the last nail in the coffin. If she ever loved my daughter, she wouldn't be acting like this.

I wish I was rich...so I could afford to move far far away from all of this with my daughter.

And, BTW...If I were gonna be a petty immature jackass and stoop to the level of slashing tires...it would have been MOW's car...not my sister's. Thank. you. very. much.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:34 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're being very strong through all this, and setting a good example for Piper. It can't be easy!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2013
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

My heart sunk when I called my father and heard them all singing happy birthday....laughing and celebrating after such horrible accusations were made towards me just hours before.

It hurt to be excluded from the family ....my daughter and I exiled from a traditional family event. I broke down into tears. I have done nothing wrong and yet.... I feel so alone right now.

There I was....sitting in my apartment...my daughter asleep...and me working diligently to make up work that I missed so that I could take care of my daughter the week before and take her to the doctor and stay with her while she was so ill.... and they were out partying. My sister never even called to check on Piper to see how she was feeling.....nothing. She was borderline ER from dehydration last Weds when I stayed home with her.

I told my dad that I know it was not his intention to hurt me....because he loves us both...but at that moment...I didn't feel like I was part of the family.... and that hurt. My daughter is so innocent....and doesn't deserve this treatment either.

Its just too much to bear. I just want them all to leave me alone for a while. I need space.... an ocean of it.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:49 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then tell your Dad you need a two week sabbatical from the family and stick to it.

Shelly you need to develop a thicker skin. Yeah your family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional but your focus is on Piper now.

Take this time away from the family drama to figure out how you can separate yourself from the drama but still maintain a relationship with your Dad.

This is on you now. Figure out how you are going to handle this.

We can help by providing possible solutions, but you need to do the work.

{{{hugs}}}


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt very betrayed and hurt that they left Piper and I out of everything. I understand that she doesn't like me....and the feeling is mutual...but she hasn't even asked about my daughter in over 13 days..... a child that she supposedly "loves" so much!
I get the betrayed feeling but from your posts it sounds as if it's a good thing that they left you out. This is like a group of kids bullying you on the play ground everyday and once they finally leave you alone you miss the attention. If your sister is not a good person for you to be around then count it as a blessing that she hasn't called or asked about you or your daughter. I treat my deranged family just like I treat my STBX, when the crazy leaves you don't call it back or chase after it, even if it is family.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:01 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't set a boundary and then get upset when others follow it.

Like k9 said, you need to develop thicker skin in all this and DETACH as much as possible.

That said, you dad is in a tough spot. I'm sure he's doing his best to navigate this patch between you and your sister. It cannot be easy for him at all.

You have a revitalized New Beginning heading your way. Let that be your focus.

And perhaps when the dust settles and you've gotten you and Piper acclimated to your new surroundings you can slowly revisit your relationship with your sister.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that its a blessing and I feel silly for feeling upset about it. I know that its good that she is not around my child. But, she can't have her cake and eat it too. She can't go around saying that "Piper is 50% hers until she dies" and "She is everything to her" and "She loves her so much" when in all reality....right now I think she is enjoying all this free time without the baby and without the real responsibilities of taking care of a child. She would never admit it....but I think that is the REAL truth here.....which is fine.

13 days without my daughter....would kill me. I would die inside. Literally. The sad part is.....I don't really miss my sister at all.....and feel very peaceful most of the time now. That's a huge sign that I'm making the right choice right there!

My dad and I can co-exist....and I am taking a much LONGER sabbatical from my sister than 2 weeks. I will have very little contact with my dad other than the minor details of the move since I AM moving in with him. Makes it hard to not be in contact when painting and all that is involved. But, I will get through this.

I just needed to vent. I know that my rants don't always make sense and that this space is a good thing and I should take it as such. I need to stop being so sensitive. Its my worst trait.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:08 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand, Shelly. There are times we really need that separation, but it still hurts like hell. Being sensitive shows that you have a big heart. Unfortunately that means it is VERY breakable.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2013
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand, Shelly. There are times we really need that separation, but it still hurts like hell. Being sensitive shows that you have a big heart. Unfortunately that means it is VERY breakable.

It really is. I kinda describe my heart since my D as a bunch of broken shards of glass in my chest. So many times those pieces have tried to come back together again and then another hammer hits me and BAM.....they shatter once again. Probably another reason why I have absolutely no desire to date nor feel that I will be in the place emotionally to do so for quite a long time.....which is a shame at my age. But, it is what it is.

This whole situation breaks my heart... but I can't do this anymore. I can't defend my honor and my integrity...and my character to my family anymore! And, I shouldn't have to! They should KNOW me and KNOW who I am and be there for me no matter what and support and not criticize me..... but its not a perfect world.... its this world. And, this one can really suck sometimes.

I just need to survive this transition period. I made my 2nd trip to the goodwill today....the moving process (or packing process) is on the way. My taxes are filed and awaiting the 31st deadline to be submitted....(good old government) and painting swatches have been picked out for our rooms.... things are moving along.....but what feels like a snails pace.

I'm going to "TRY" to force myself to go to the gym tonight and workout. I need to feel even a tiny inkling of who I am again. She is buried deep down in the darkness somewhere......under a huge pile of endless family BS....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:53 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,

Staying out of your sister's life (and her staying out of YOURS) means that you don't celebrate birthdays with her. You don't celebrate holidays with her.

Your dad will continue to do so, and you can't ask him not to. You also can't be angry with him for it. Find something else to do with Piper on those days.

I'm GLAD she's not asking about Piper, or asking to see her, because that's what's best for Piper. I don't understand your frustration about that. If you're NC with your sister, then so is Piper, by extension. Piper is not old enough to pursue a relationship with her aunt on her own. And that's a GOOD thing, because her aunt is a poison toxic mess.

For once she seems like she is respecting your boundary (aside from making sure everyone knows she suspected you and your friends of tire slashing---seriously? If she's this much of a bitch to everyone in her life, then ANYONE could have done that.)

Shake it off, Shelly. NC = No New Hurts.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, she can't have her cake and eat it too. She can't go around saying that "Piper is 50% hers until she dies" and "She is everything to her" and "She loves her so much"

Yes she can, and yes she will continue to paint the portrait of her as the victim and you as the bad guy. The sooner you realize you have no control over her, and turn your back on her toxic drama, you will feel empowered.
You are hurting, and rightfully so, because you haven't truly disengaged yet. That will come with time. Don't beat yourself up, but do stop looking back so much. Realize that your sister is a very very sick person inside that head of hers. You don't have to get dragged into her crazy with her, though. It truly is a choice.
Do you think this abusive behavior is what set you in your X's path in the first place.
The good news is, if this is one of your FOOs, you have something to work with on your journey to self healing and empowerment.
Do your best to only look forward from this. Only look back if it will teach you a lesson in healing and prevent more toxicity.
It will get easier. These family dramas will also get easier to deal with as well as you heal and progress forward.
(((Shellybeanz)))

[This message edited by StillLivin at 12:34 PM, January 27th (Monday)]


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know. I'm a classic co-dependent....and I have a lot of work to do on that. I've been in therapy now for almost 2 years....its helping....but I still have a lot way to go....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girl...we need to find that Tee Shirt that say's "I've never been kissed by a Marine" so you can wear it for this year's Marine Corp run.

I get the broken heart. Right now let Piper glue all those pieces together and make you whole.

{{{hugs}}}


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
clralb
♀ Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodness. If someone slashed her tires and she believes it to be you, she should really file a police report.

develop thicker skin in all this and DETACH as much as possible.

Put your sis and her drama in a little box on a shelf and leave it.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
AgainandAgain
♀ Member
Member # 34835
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She11y, first I want to offer a million hugs to you. I feel so incredibly bad for you. I don't pity you but my heart breaks for you. As I read this, I know your exact feeling in your heart. You say you don't care but it's truly very difficult to make our heart feel that.

This could totally be a true story out of my family saga! Are you sure we aren't somehow related and in the same crazy family

I have completely separated myself from my family. I haven't spoken to my biological egg donor (she doesn't deserve the mother title) in 3 years. She hasn't seen my daughter ever. She hasn't seen her grandson in over 3 1/2 years. No phone calls, letters, cards, reaching out to connect. Nothing. My whole family has disowned me because of a past marriage and because I left my abusive ex many years ago. At first it was devastating walking away from the circus I called family. It's all I knew and I didn't know anything else. They were and still are highly toxic people. Watching them implode while I'm now standing back at a safe distance is both sad and laughable.

On a side note-I had a very close family member tell other members that accuse me of some pretty terrible things that I didn't do. In fact, I wasn't even in the same state at the time of this incident I was accused of. I was 300 miles away in Washington, DC having a family dinner with my husband and son. I had the police contact me and ask me if I did said crime and said that family members saw me leaving the scene in my car. The car they said I was in was the car I had 10 years before that and not even my car. The officer laughed and knows my family member from many run-in's that this family member has with the police on a weekly basis. So, with all this, my family still called me and said how dare I be such a heartless b**ch and do said crime.

It is so very easy to say you are going to do A,B, and, C but it's different to do it. You are going to slip and make mistakes. You are going to touch the hot stove and burn your hand. You are going to let your emotions control situations and then look back with much regret. Do NOT give up. Keep going. You can do this. Months from now you will look back and realize how far you will have come. You have us here for support. I don't know you but I consider you "family" on here. Keep pushing on. You are doing this for you and you are doing this for Piper. No one else matters. I've learned in life NO ONE has your back and your interests better than yourself.

Sorry to go off in so many directions but I feel so bad for you. It angers me you deal with this. I am the least dramatic person you will ever deal with. I can tell you that at the time of detaching from family I got sucked in to SO many situations. I petted the drama llama daily. Until I shut down and only communicated with one person. When that person would bring up the topic of reconnecting with my egg donor, I would politely change the subject. It's very easy to transition and it's very easy to do it politely. Just practice in your head. For example, my nana would say "You should really talk to your mother. She misses you dearly. This fighting is breaking my heart." I would follow up and say " I love you, Nana. Thank you for being there for me." Weird but it worked. Then I would start talking about what my son was doing new that week. You have to be quick about transitioning though.

I hope this helps. If you feel the need to talk you can PM at any time. I know how you feel. We aren't that far off in our stories believe it or not

Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. You can do this!!!!


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2012
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After all the drama she has caused you over the last few months, your just going to have to accept she does not and will not have you or your DD best interests at heart. She is a chronic victimizer who loves to play the victim. As hard as it is to cut off toxic people, especially when that toxin comes from a family member it has to be done. This is your life, your daughter and you and only you has to have the final say in the matter. To put it in New York terms "Fuck her" If she is as bad as you say I'm sure there is a line of people stretching around the block who would want to slash her tires. Then again she might have done it herself to garner attention once again and get to play the victim and cause drama for you all in one full swoop. Cut that cancer out of your life. You don't have to defend yourself to her or anyone else for that matter. Its going to be tough since you live with your Dad. But it can be done and don't expect Dad to choose sides. Because she certainly is and watch out for that knife she wants to stick in your back. Your sister has problems that you or anyone else can fix. Just like she uses her disability to get attention, she will use you the same way. The best way to deal with people like her is to ignore them. If she confronts you about her tires tell her to call the cops. IDK about you and the rest of this board, but this woman is worse than a WS. Just like you go NC and 180 a WS, you do the same to her. Period end of story....... Your stronger then you think my friend. Find that strength and use it.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5732 | Registered: Nov 2007
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, I would encourage you to go up to General or JFO or wherever it is, and re-read the 180 Primer.

You are, in essence, 180'ing your sister. And the 180? It's about YOU. Not her. You cannot control her or change her or influence her. The only person over whom you have any control is yourself.

Creating this space, these boundaries, is to help you heal. It has nothing to do with teaching her a lesson or whatever else.

Stop focusing your energy on her. Focus your energy on yourself.

Re-read Codependent No More too. You can do this. You deserve as much from yourself.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
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