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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Crushed Again!! When does it stop?!!!
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday was Jan 14...I thought we were slowly getting better. WH said he had to go to Oklahoma with his boss for training (we live in Louisiana). He left Friday and said he wouldn't be back until this Saturday. He is the worst liar ever and I had a feeling something wasn't right. I called his store (in louisiana) this morning and HE ANSWERS THE PHONE!!!!! To say that I was crushed is an understatement. I don't know what to do or what to believe. He said he just needed some space, he hasn't been seeing her and he loves me blah blah blah. I yelled you don't fucking lie to someone you love and he has lied to me over and over!!! He lie d about the time difference, going to lunch with his boss and going to watch football at bww with him. He even lied to our son telling him he was in "Oklahoma". I'm shaking, I feel like throwing up again and I just....I don't know what to do.


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
mj052
♀ Member
Member # 38495
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately- only when you decide to get off the emotional rollercoaster once and for all!!!!

My wh is a serial cheat and pathological liar!! This is the lifestyle he chooses for himself as he continues putting up the front of a "family man." Once the lying becomes acceptable behavior it never stops!! Save yourself the agony- I just went through 20 months of false r- and I'm so going to blindside him!! Now is the time to talk to an attorney- but don't tell him that!! You deserve so much better than this!! Believe nothing he says!! My wayward told me every outlandish lie imagineable and cried buckets while swearing on our childrens' lives that it was the truth!! Just more of his bs and control tactics!!

Sending you strength and hugs!!

[This message edited by mj052 at 10:57 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


Trust is a fragile thing- once its lost it's gone forever!!

Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: mj052
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree...
I have been listening to his lies and promises for 20 years. It stops when you set your foot down and say "this ends now" one way or another.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is still lying to me. He still keeps his secrets. I know how you feel. It's a difficult way to live.

It stops when you set your foot down and say "this ends now" one way or another.

In all my years and all my d-days, ^^^this is so true.

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@simply

You have a lot of ddays and I hate that for you. Its so unfair! I hope you don't mind but i was wondering if you and WH are in R now or separated? If in R how did you find a way to get past it and give him another chance?


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had better news for you. We're not in R. We are just existing together. It's a very lonely existence. He doesn't talk to me unless he has to, and when I need to talk to him about something he won't even look at me and just recently he wouldn't even stand in the same room with me. That's just how he treats me. It's worse for the kids.

I honestly feel that I could have gotten passed this if he had just tried to fix what he broke, but he didn't. He took the victim route.

All I wanted from him was to sit down with him and his computer and go over everything, but he said no.

If your husband can stop his lying I'm sure you both would be able to work together and move forward. He needs to be transparent, give you an "all access" pass to every device he owns and to all his accounts. Most importantly he needs to stop his lying.

Let's assume what he said was true. There would be no harm in him saying "twillett, I need some time to myself to sort through some things. I'll still be at work if you need me or if son needs me." If he said that, or something along those lines, you would have been able to process it better. I've told my husband that lying is a controlling trait. That when you control the flow of information to someone, you control their ability to make a decision for themselves and no one has that right.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@simply I'm so sorry you are going through this I really am. He sounds awful to deal with and I can't imagine how hurt you must be :( Did he even try to explain why he is acting the way he is? He makes it seem like you were the one who had the affairs and he is holding a grudge against you....I really don't know what WS think sometimes...

See that's what I just don't get. I told him if he came to me and said he needed time I would have been ok with it but he lied to me for weeks. I asked him where he was Friday night he said somewhere in Texas, I asked him about the weather there he said it was a little cold and he said the time was different. Like I just don't know what goes on in his head to come up with this stuff. He's such a horrible liar anyway that's how I've caught him every time! Grrrr!!!!!! I just need honesty!


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo what SimplyDevastated said & also give you a huge
High five for this

That when you control the flow of information to someone, you control their ability to make a decision for themselves and no one has that right.

If he had just given you his truth you could have dealt with it, but he gave you lies instead, probably to hide something. That's the sad truth of it all.


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did he even try to explain why he is acting the way he is?

Yes he did. He said it's our fault for his behavior because we don't treat him right.

He makes it seem like you were the one who had the affairs and he is holding a grudge against you

That's exactly how I feel. I really don't understand it either.

See that's what I just don't get. I told him if he came to me and said he needed time I would have been ok with it but he lied to me for weeks. I asked him where he was Friday night he said somewhere in Texas, I asked him about the weather there he said it was a little cold and he said the time was different. Like I just don't know what goes on in his head to come up with this stuff. He's such a horrible liar anyway that's how I've caught him every time! Grrrr!!!!!! I just need honesty!

My husband lies like this, too. He'll lie over the littlest thing. I'm wondering if you husband has FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Was he always afraid of his parents, to some degree? So if he got caught doing something stupid, would he lie to them to get out of trouble? Maybe now it's a habit for him and he doesn't even realize he's doing it?

My son is starting down this road and it kills me. I keep telling him that no matter what, he should always tell the truth. That the punishment will never be as bad if he tells the truth. I've worked hard with him about being honest and when he does tell me that truth I sit and listen and then say "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Then he'll smile and say "No, it wasn't." I'm so scared he'll be like his father

Thanks FoggedIn


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
susan1989
♀ New Member
Member # 32640
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Twillet-

I am so sorry you are going through this and I so know how you feel. My first DDay was three years ago. I thought the pain would kill me. We reconciled and went to MC, he even bought me a new ring and renewed our vows because I felt like the old vows were broken and "not good anymore."

Yes, you can get past the pain. You can get past the affair. It took me two years but I reached the point where I completely forgave them. I even talked to the OW on the phone and told her I forgave her. She burst into tears and told me how sorry she was she had hurt me.

But...here's the catch. My WH has a real problem with lying. He lies about little things to other people all the time, it's like a way of life to him. He projects an image to other people and will lie to protect it. And guess what, it took me seven months of detective work to discover he was lying AGAIN, this time about an A with his best friend's wife.

He was SO SINCERE, looking deep into my eyes, swearing he'll love me faithfully all his life, swearing he was so sorry he hurt me and he'd never lie or cheat again. He was lying the whole time.

FOLLOW THE EVIDENCE. Actions are truth. Words mean nothing. If the actions confirm the words you may be on the right track. If the actions contradict the words, you need more proof. DO NOT BELIEVE ANY WORDS that you cannot confirm.

I was in denial for months, knowing in my gut he was lying but desperately hoping I was wrong because I wanted to believe him. I realized he cannot change and I realized I cannot live as the affair police any longer.

I am at peace. It has been a horrible year and I have been tormented beyond my comprehension. But I am at peace now that I know the truth. I can trust in my instinct. I will be okay.

You deserve someone who will not lie to you. If your H can be that person, then I wish you all the best.


BS - me (44)
STBXWH (45)
M 20 years, three kids
D-Day June, 2011
D-Day #2 Sept, 2013
Separated after D-Day #3 Dec 2013
Divorcing 2014

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2011
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you @susan. At this point I don't even know if he CAN stop lying and I feel like I have to constantly check behind him to make sure he's telling the truth...and he usually isn't. He said he wouldn't hurt me anymore but I don't believe him. I just can't trust him right now :(


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry...I would call him out bigtime and lay down the law, so to speak. Decide what you want and what you can live with, and go from there. Either tell him conditions of R or say that's enough! Good luck to you :)


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 961 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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