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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: They still work together -- good news
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sharing some progress with the community here.

After d-day, one of the most anxiety causing issues for me has been WW still working with OM.

She asked to finish her contract, not doing so would've really hurt her career. I reluctantly agreed on the condition that she not interact with OM at work.

Fast forward to today. WW told her boss she's not going to accept a new contract. Her boss offered to sweeten the deal for her and WW turned it down.

This is a major step forward for us. At least that's how I see it. She still has three more months working on the same floor as OM, but says they don't interact and I actually believe that.

The one major negative -- and it's major -- when she feels overwhelmed by the job change she tells me I'm making her do it. Not true. I just can't go on with them working on the same floor.

Either way. R is feeling a little more possible right now.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 508 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great!! Hopefully everything will go smoothly for you and you will be able to R peacefully. :)


BS (me) 28
WH (him) 28
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 8 1\2 years
Together for 10 1\2
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm jealous, lol!!

WH has been almost 100% NC since he really doesn't "have" to talk to her but it still kills me that he sees her every day. I pray daily that she'll get fired


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 832 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big move forward. I'm very happy for you.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one major negative and it's major when she feels overwhelmed by the job change she tells me I'm making her do it.
Ok, I hate to be "that guy" but you did say it was major so I have to ask...

What's the point in turning it down if she's just going to harbor resentment towards you over it?

The point isn't simply to turn it down.
It isn't to turn it down because her continuing to work there is hard for you.
It is that she turn it down because it is wrong to continue to work near the OM.
If she has trouble with turning down the offer then she needs to 1) realize it is a consequence of her own actions and 2) a necessary course of action if she puts the M ahead of her career.

At the end of the day there are few people who say on their death beds...
"Oh why? Why didn't I spend more time at the office?"


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3669 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Brandon808,

There are times when WW says she understands she's quitting because it's the right thing to do.

At other times she blames me. When she calms down, she says it's unfair of her to blame me and that what she's looking for from me is validation that making such a major move will "count" toward repairing the M.

When she articulates it like that I'm able to reassure her that it means a lot to me. I don't know why she reverts to the other position, but we're in therapy to sort that out.

Her seemingly easy ability to go back-and-forth between owning her shit and blaming me was a supporting factor during her A. When she needed to justify her actions to herself she blamed me.

Just having her say out loud -- even if it's some of the time -- that she accepts personal responsibility for her actions is progress. She didn't seem to be able to do that in the past.

So, some progress on the NC front and some progress on the personal responsibility front. The mess is far from being cleaned up, but we're getting there.

On my end, it's been hard to stay calm when she "pushes my buttons" and says that I'm "making her do this" and "don't ever ask me about money again if you're making me quit my job" and "you don't value my career."

Ouch. They all hurt. I'm not as connected to WW as I was when I first found out about her A. That distance has allowed me to stay cool and manage my own pain.

It might not seem fair, but WW is going through hell with this job change and there's no way she'll deliver anything if I ask for support right now.

I go to work. I go to the gym. I try to enjoy our time together -- even if I haven't felt happy because of the A -- I try to see friends here and there and I'm letting time pass.

When I have free time and I start to think about the A I try to do something else to keep me busy. I got into pickling. Yes, pickling. It might sound ridiculous, but food is comforting and it passes the time.

I figure I 'wasted' so much of my life so far, I might as well take my time with the next steps.

As for my attitude toward WW, I love her. And I'm trying to trust her actions while verifying her words, and watching to make sure she wants to go in the same direction as me.

And yes, the occasional overwhelming bitterness, sadness and anger hit me like a ton of bricks, but they all pass before returning with less intensity.

One way or the other, for the first time since d-day, I think I'm going to make it :)


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 508 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my end, it's been hard to stay calm when she "pushes my buttons" and says that I'm "making her do this" and "don't ever ask me about money again if you're making me quit my job" and "you don't value my career."


I agree with Brandon. There is no excuse for her to say that.

And to this ^^. I would suggest you advise her that SHE disrespected her career by having an OM at work AND she didn't exactly value her wedding vows either.


One way or the other, for the first time since d-day, I think I'm going to make it :)

You will make it! We tend to come out of this experience stronger and wiser...

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:19 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 7

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