Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: darkchyld (45368)

Off Topic Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: DS9 shared he gets "creepy" vibe
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

truth just made an excellent point. My husband coaches basketball. He would never be alone in a change room with a child.. ever. If the child required any assistance he would go get another parent or call someone. The policies need a review here and that is the perfect angle to approach all of this. There has got to be a staff bathroom and that is where he should be. I would say that would be my stepping off point for a conversation.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44988 | Registered: Sep 2006
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And this is why I love you guys!!

Perfect non accusatory valid conversation. I agree completely. The adult should not share the bathroom, for these very reasons. If there is not a policy, one should be implemented immediately.

Thanks again for the support and protective vibe. I love knowing that the village it takes to raise my child is so wonderful.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CG,

You've gotten wonderful advice. Trust your gut. This guy may not give you the creepy vibe. But you trust your son and his gut is part of him. His uncomfortable feelings are worth looking int policy. And possibly making a much needd change.

You're such a great mom!

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when DS comes out, this man "acts like he is using the bathroom"

This was the sentence that raised a red flag with me, too. From what your son said, the aide wasn't actually using the bathroom - just pretending to. Why? Obviously, an aide wouldn't be permitted to use the children's bathroom, so I wonder what exactly your son meant. Why (and maybe how) was the man acting as though he was using the bathroom? Maybe there is some perfectly innocent explanation - eg he just washes his hands, so that it doesn't seem as though he is monitoring things. Maybe it was simply an imprecise choice of words. But maybe not.....


He is an extrovert of the kind that is LOUD and JOVIAL and knows everyone's name and wears costumey clothes, hats and foam fingers (before Miley Cirus made them creepy)

After your son's comments about the bathroom, this sent up a second red flag for me. I think that predators are quite often jolly life-and-soul-of-the-party types. (For one thing, it makes it easier to pass off any questionable behavior that gets noticed as "just joking about" as usual.)

Obviously, you know your son and his history best. So perhaps his comments are indeed connected with something that has happened in his past, instead. But nonetheless, I think you are wise in deciding to find some way of talking to your son's teacher about it. Because if what your son said is NOT linked to past events, then I am with those who see his anxiety over this person as a very legitimate cause for concern.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 3:34 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2116 | Registered: Mar 2009
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An additional consideration as you approach this topic with administration...

If you are inferring any suggestion of child abuse (which would be reasonable since you do have concerns) you don't want to set off a knee jerk reaction that could actually cause your son more stress. In my state it is *required* by law for a person in charge of children to report any suspicion of abuse to proper authorities (DCS). A school system would suffer embarrassment enough for not having adequate screening procedures. But to not act on a parent's expressed concern?? Yeah...you can almost *expect* to get a knee jerk reaction.

The point being - you need to decide *how much* information you give the school system. I know many would say to explain it fully (even with the non-accusatory approach) and let the school handle it. But just be aware too that that will likely have some implications for your son. You have every single right - and duty - to protect your son in every single aspect of this situation. That just can get more difficult (and parental rights lost) as more bureaucracies become involved.

I hope that makes sense. The main point is two-fold: Control the information and be just as discriminating of the cop as you are the robber.

Despite the delicacies of the situation, it absolutely needs to be addressed and you do have that duty as a parent that has been made aware (and not just for the sake of your own child).

I'm sure you will handle it well. I just wanted to offer this angle.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 8:55 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that the "pretending" aspect of the aide using the bathroom is weird. I had imagined that he was at the urinal messing with the front of his pants and I was horrified! But DS did indicate that he was at the sink and washing his hands. Why DS would use the word "pretend" though, does indicate that the man was in the bathroom for purposes other than what was obvious. It is a clue to how DS feels about the whole situation.

My state has mandated reporting (as indicated by several posters) and background checks on all employees, not just teachers. (I actually was on the state task force that got this mandated as a statewide requirement. ) The problem is that not all predators have bumped up against the law and a background check turns up nothing. All of this to say, I feel like I SHOULD know the right thing to do and what to see and yet, somehow, without this discussion, I missed some flags and ideas.

truth, thank you. Thank you for returning to the conversation and for the balance.


You have every single right - and duty - to protect your son in every single aspect of this situation. That just can get more difficult (and parental rights lost) as more bureaucracies become involved.

This helps A LOT with the guilt I was struggling with for not being in the school yesterday as a fierce mama bear.

Not sure what if anything this detail adds, but

Last night I had the TV on (Sean and Catherine's wedding... don't judge!) DS came by and said "that guy looks creepy." (He was talking about Sean Lowe, the groom.) Of course, the word registered given that this thread has kept the previous statement fresh.

Now, it could just be that DS has latched on to that word. I noticed he used it a couple of times throughout the night. It is possibly related to the Minecraft game which has a character called a Creeper?

But, the scene that DS found creepy was a camera close up of the groom, while the children in the wedding party came down the aisle. What is "creepy" about a grown man watching adorable children?

At this point my head hurts.

The urge to lock this up (bury my head and deny) and move on with life is so great... I am glad I have made myself accountable with this thread. Y'all won't let me minimize or brush this off, I know!

I will report back after I have met with DS's teacher. We are currently snowed in!

eta: to clarify a thought

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 10:36 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, the scene that DS found creepy was a camera close up of the groom, while the children in the wedding party came down the aisle. What is "creepy" about a grown man watching adorable children?

WOW. He's internalizing SOMETHING.

JMHO.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21072 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, of course you are confused, CG. That's actually a sign of good mothering because you are considering all aspects of the situation rather than just assuming you are correct in your interpretation and going off in a direction based on your own feeling.

You've got a situation where we are all interpreting your interpretation of your son's interpretation of someone else's motives. Does that put your confusion into perspective?


Why DS would use the word "pretend" though, does indicate that the man was in the bathroom for purposes other than what was obvious.

My guess is that he probably was.

We've discussed the worst positive reason so I won't reiterate that point.

But you also have a jovial 9yo old boy with some special GI conditions (hope I remember all those descriptions correctly). He may be completely accurate that the TA is in the bathroom to watch him. As a (former) teacher, and even with kids that may have legitimate reasons, I've still said to others (trusted student, TA, other teachers) "Go in there and see what he's doing! That's the second time he's gone this morning!" (exasperated voice). And while your DS may not feel he is not on task, have you ever watched a 9 yo boy do anything? Just a request to put away shoes can leave a trail of a half-eaten Pop-Tart, 10 minutes of cartoons, making and testing a paper airplane, and teasing the dog (which is usually the part that gets your attention and a subsequent re-cue) before the shoes actually make it to the closet. The likelihood of this above scenario increases exponentially in regards to the interest level of whatever is awaiting his return.

You're confused not because you're in denial; you're confused because you don't have enough information. If I may suggest, make that the goal of any of your interactions.

This is why that old adage of "trust your gut" can be so tricky. It's very possible that your son's gut may be spot on. Even the sense of "creepy" may be spot on. But it's also possible that the TA could just be projecting that because HE is uncomfortable with the situation (potentially a request to observe/check on a child in the restroom).

Have you ever received any comments or perceived any attitude from his teacher (past or present) that he's not on task like he should be - particularly in regards to bathroom needs?

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 11:54 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Additionally...

DS came by and said "that guy looks creepy." (He was talking about Sean Lowe, the groom.) Of course, the word registered given that this thread has kept the previous statement fresh.

He's mastered the word - just not the nuance of meaning when it's used in context.

A creepy bug is entirely different from a creepy guy pretending to use the bathroom.

He may see Sean and the TA in the same light - i.e., there's something about him I don't like - but because of the scenario, we assigned the nuance of meaning. Doesn't mean that's right or wrong. Just the sad irony is that what makes children an unreliable witness is the very thing that also makes them easy prey.

Even aside from the pressing situation at hand, maybe this is a good time to really talk about what TO DO if he ever does find himself in that situation. I mean, like not right on the heels of a discussion about creepy TA...but like maybe after a discussion on making better paper airplanes.

Easier to make him a less "groomable" target than to try to predict every potential predator.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 12:14 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you've got a plan now but I just want to add that the fact that you don't find the guy creepy doesn't mean much.

Those who prey on kids are not going to act the same around adults as they do the kids. They're smarter than that.

Keep us posted.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Nov 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW. He's internalizing SOMETHING.

... sigh...

Yes. I got this same statement from the counselor. Defining something??? Not yet. Strategies for dealing with DS? Patience doesn't exactly feel like a strategy. Just sayin'

truth,
Your post took tons of weight off my shoulders. Thank you seems repetitive but, THANK YOU.


You've got a situation where we are all interpreting your interpretation of your son's interpretation of someone else's motives.

exactly. Go figure it isn't so obvious.

More information needed. check. Grilling DS until he shuts down or starts filling in the blanks with what he thinks I want to hear, not the right route (but sooooo tempting since he is here and I have access to those answers!) Talking with teacher ASAP. If only so I can settle some.


have you ever watched a 9 yo boy do anything?

Have you met my DS?


Have you ever received or perceived any comments or attitude from his teacher (past or present) that he's not on task like he should be - particularly in regards to bathroom needs?

I won't turn this into a brag on my DS post. But... DS's teacher LOVES him. She has grandchildren just a bit older than he is. The biggest complaint I have gotten (and it is a consistent complaint) is that he rushes to finish his work and therefore, his penmanship needs work. Other comments about DS are how sweet, helpful, kind, smart, funny, genuine. DS tells her all the time that she says or does things "like my mom does." So I suspect she has a sarcastic wit and an easy going management style with complete control, but realistic expectations. Honestly, she is great. DS trusts her and loves her. She has my complete confidence. She works with me to keep DS at school, whereas DS would come home for every migraine (hate he has them) or cough or tummy upset. We have worked out that she emails me (DS knows mom has been contacted) but unless she indicates to me to come and get DS, he stays at school and I comfort whatever issue is going on after school. I will ask her though about the bathroom.



Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Easier to make him a less "groomable" target than to try to predict every potential predator.

We are in OT, so I will skirt most of this issue, but fair to say that there is EOW grooming actively going on, so I have been ACTIVELY working on boundaries, and what to do, who to tell, what if conversations. It is advice though, for anyone who works with children. Actually, as I think on it, it is good advice in general. Easier to prepare yourself than to predict what anyone else might do.

sudra,

Those who prey on kids are not going to act the same around adults as they do the kids. They're smarter than that.

I have a story to support this. The task force I mentioned? This was a multiple agency state wide task force to address the loop holes that existed in the then system. One of the other teachers selected for the task force came from a mountain county, long term shop teacher. One year into the two year project, this teacher was arrested in a sting as a CHILD PREDATOR. His wife did not suspect anything, his co-workers, anyone on this very specific TASK FORCE geared at this very thing.... Ironic, and scary. It is the very "normalcy" and "good guy" persona that makes them successful predators.

At this point I think this thread has a lot of good overall information, if anyone is lurking.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

********************UPDATE******************

I met with DS's teacher yesterday just before the snowpocolypse enveloped the south. It was after school, and DS was present for the meeting. I had communicated with her via email about two issues.

The first is a service project/fund raiser DS wants to lead for an 11 year old boy on life support after a suicide attempt after being bullied by schoolmates. This was the first thing his teacher talked about. What his ideas were, how to collect money, the letter to explain to parents what he was doing, how to be sensitive to the "suicide" aspect and focus on the anti-bullying. She is going to set him up with the guidance counselor when we "dig out" from our blizzard.

Then I asked my questions about a bathroom policy. Said that DS had brought up that he felt "uncomfortable" at a male staff member being in the bathroom while he was using it. That I had asked DS a lot of questions and told him I would follow up. Teacher admitted she didn't know if there was a policy or not. She is going to check with the principal.

I feel like this will get the word out. The male staff can be warned in general. If there have been other complaints about a specific male, I will get a follow up, I am sure.

I thought about whether to have the conversation in front of DS or not. I elected to do it with him present so he would KNOW I followed up. That I took his concerns seriously and acted on it, AND that the world didn't screech to a stop. It was an issue to take to responsible grown ups and that we knew what to "do." At least I hope that is the message he got!!

He said he was "embarrassed" and I could have warned him. I told him it was nothing to be embarrassed about, and that I told him I would handle it, and now he knows that if it happens again, he can tell his teacher immediately. She is aware and didn't fuss at him.

I cannot truly thank the people who posted on this thread enough. I feel like I had the best support and advice. So thank you all!!!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you were able to speak to the teacher, and I think you handled this very well. I hope you get some sort of follow-up from the principal, but I would check in with the teacher in a few days to be sure that she actually took this up the chain.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7824 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disclaimer - I have not read all the replies.

When I was in high school (back in the early 90's) the teacher did a walk around the room and left to stand at the door. Never did they hang around the changing room. Only stood in ear distance should they be required.


Standing over someone whilst they pee is completely unnecessary. Listen to your son, he views and puts up with it on a regular basis. Not saying TA is a predator but his actions are not proper and should not be condoned by the school. If he is innocent you will be passing on some very valuable advice if this is the profession he wants to be in.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a high school teacher. Not only do I run to the other end of the building to the faculty bathroom rather than go to the student bathroom near me, but I won't close my door if I'm alone with a student.

Not only do we need to look out for kids, but we need to think of our own professional reputations. We are highly aware of the sexual abuse allegations surrounding teachers (and rightfully so in some cases), and we don't seek to put ourselves in situations like that where a kid could wrongfully accuse us of something because we were alone, and there weren't any witnesses. I think that was one of the first things they told us before we started student teaching in grad school!

As far as I'm concerned, if this guy is hanging out around the bathroom a lot, then something is up. No teacher or para I know goes into the kids' bathroom unless there is a problem, and a kid needs help. Even the female custodian who cleans the girls' bathroom will knock first and ask if anyone is in there before she goes in.

If this is something awful, I hope you caught it before it went anywhere, not only for your DS's sake but for any other kids that might be victimized in the future.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 36
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Off Topic Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.