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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feeling....?
bookjunkie
♀ Member
Member # 39033
Stop  Posted: 9:06 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read a post this morning in Recon about if sex with AP was "gross". This has me going back and forth. I am ashamed of it and I feel it has really changed my connection to BH. H was my "one and only" before the A. And since the A, I feel that a little part of me is gone, that I gave it away and can never get it back. I'm sure this part is wayard thinking, but I don't completely regret the sex and I know this is WRONG. But I can't seem to get to a point where I am convinced of it. It was a real boost to my self esteem. I have never thought of myself as sexy or desirable, but now know I can be. This is all just completely messed up, I know. And other times, I do feel sick that I had sex with someone else. And now, xAP is on my mind and I really hate it.

So, please help me. I have to get past this or I know H and I will never truly R. Not with my mind all over the place. 1st Antiversary is coming up. I need to know that I'm making headway here....


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a real boost to my self esteem. I have never thought of myself as sexy or desirable, but now know I can be.

I think this is what you need to look at more closely. Spinning it around a bit, in order for you to feel sexy and desirable, you had to cheat? You had to find a guy who was interested in having sex with a married woman in order to feel desirable? You lost sight of your love for you husband, and you stepped out on him to make yourself feel better? That isn't healthy. Do you want to be so dependent on others that their view of you determines how you perceive your self worth, your value, your physical appearance?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In agreement with Baxters, you need to look in greater depth at why you needed another man in order to feel sexy and desirable. Why do you need any man in order to feel that way? Your self worth and self perception should not be so intrinsically tied to what others think of you.

This is something I am currently looking at for myself. My A was because I needed to feel loved, wanted, desired. I wasn't getting that in any capacity from my BS but instead of looking inside myself and fixing that part of me, I turned to the first man who paid me any attention. Which is why, in knowing that, I am so disgusted with myself and find the thought of sex with the OM so repulsive. Because the part of me that is/was broken, is so very ugly and sex with the OM was born from that ugliness.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
bookjunkie
♀ Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been looking at my need for attention/validation. I have always valued myself by what others think. I have always been a people pleaser.

I have been looking at FOO issues and feel it really comes down to my mother. She's not nuturing, doesn't give out compliments. I can't recall her ever saying she is proud of me. I have always felt that I don't measure up.

My mother was physically and sexually abused as a child and teen. Her mother died when she was 14 and her father disowned her by the time she was 16. She has her walls and hold ppl at arms length. I understand this now as an adult and try to accept her the way she is. She won't do anything to try to "fix" herself.

I'm not trying to blame my mother for my actions, just trying to find why I felt I "needed" the A.


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not trying to blame my mother for my actions, just trying to find why I felt I "needed" the A

It doesn't come across that you are blaming your mother at all. The issues from your childhood were caused without intent and completely unconsciously by your mother, she is not at fault. Never the less, you clearly developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to deal with the disappointment you thought your mother felt.

Your mother not being at fault doesn't mean your issues aren't real and didn't factor heavily in your perceived need for the A.

It is important to explore the 'why'. It isn't about blame shifting, it's about making sure you're better equipped for the future.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:39 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
CantBeUndone
♀ Member
Member # 42205
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has me going back and forth. I am ashamed of it and I feel it has really changed my connection to BH. H was my "one and only" before the A. And since the A, I feel that a little part of me is gone, that I gave it away and can never get it back. I'm sure this part is wayard thinking, but I don't completely regret the sex and I know this is WRONG. But I can't seem to get to a point where I am convinced of it. It was a real boost to my self esteem.

Are you in IC? I felt like this for months at the beginning of my IC. I hated myself. I not only betrayed my BH, I betrayed myself and my values. I wasn't the type of person who would have an A, how did I get here?? And I felt even worse and more self loathing that I didn't feel the way I thought I should feel about the A and the AP. I regretted it because in the end, it made me more miserable than I already was. But I still missed the "highs" and the connection I felt. And I didn't feel any remorse at all. I blamed my BH for the state of our marriage. As I moved through the IC process, my thinking started changing. I didn't miss the A or the connection because in reality we didn't have one, it was all based on this fake fantasy world, we didn't even really know each other. I missed the high, like a heroin addict misses their fix. Once I got to that place, I was able to really deal with my issues, stop blaming my BS and feel real remorse about what I'd done. No real advice here, just that IC really helped me.


Me: WW
Him: BH
30's, 4 kids
DD- Jan 2014

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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