However, lately I have really been struggling again. I am not sure why. The biggest problem is that WH is a captain with the local fire department, and for extra money mans the fire truck for a 24 hour shift a couple of weekends a month. Sometimes his only partner on the truck is one of a couple of women who work for the department. This means for 24 hours at a time, he works solely with this person, eats together, etc. This has only started recently, and it has bothered me a little bit all along. Every time I just grit my teeth and get through it. It also includes them sharing sleeping quarters.
However, now there is one thing that is really bothering me. When the song "What does the Fox say" came out, my teenage daughter showed he and I the video. He did not really seem impressed or comment on it.
Then a couple of weeks ago he worked a shift with several other firefighters, including one of the females. He came home from the shift and his ringer was suddenly that song. He always uses the generic ringers on his phone, so this was a little out of character for him. When I asked, he just said he and one of the other firefighters (male) were listening to it and laughing at the station. So I moved on.
Then last weekend we went to the zoo and he posted a picture of a fox he took there and made a comment about he was trying to get it to talk to see what it says. The female who had worked with him commented on the pic, and it was obvious it was some sort of inside joke they had about the fox. I asked him and mentioned that he had said it was him and the other male firefighter joking about it, and he said, Oh she was there too.
Then last night she posted something on her FB about the weather and the fact that she had to work because she was a public servant, and not being happy about it. My WH posted"yes, but what dos the fox say?" To which she replied with his name, and CHI CHI CHI
This is driving me nuts! I don't know whether to bring it up to him again, or if I am being crazy. The affair has really been getting to me again lately, and it makes him sad that it feels like I don't trust him still. So if I tell him I logged into his Facebook and saw all of this, I know it will just reinforce the lack of trust. I don't know what to do and I cannot get this out of my head
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.
Would be cheaper in the long run if he didn't work the shift. Meaning if something is happening again he is risking career and maybe marriage which are both costly.
Also have him remove her from social networking and stop any communication other than professional.
This all sounds very fishy and inappropriate and very obvious. I would call him on this cuz he told you something different about the fox stuff which seems like a lie. Hes on a slippery slope best case and already cheating worst case.
[This message edited by whattheh at 11:11 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]
Summer of 2012 I found emails on my H's laptop. He handed me the laptop to see a joke, I chose to just look at other emails. There seemed to be quite a few from *Lauren*. I looked and they were way too flirty for my liking - smiley faces, winkies, come to my office I have candy, etc.
When I called him out on it, he was exasperated to think I would think he would do such a thing again. Well since I didn't think he would do it in the first place... He said "FINE I won't email her anymore if that's what you want." It needed to be what he wanted.
He went quiet for a few days. Then came to me and said "You're right - I still have really shitty boundaries."
Even the best WW's need to be diligent in order to not fall into old habits. I hope he realizes the the error of his ways. When my sitch happened I posted in the ICR BS ?'s for WS thread - the WW's all said he didn't get it and would cheat again with that mindset. Thankfully he came to his senses.
If this female is making you feel uncomfortable, she needs to be unfriended. To bad if your WH doesn't feel you trust him. It takes a long, long time to earn back the trust and I feel that for most BS's we will never trust our FWS's 100% again. It is just a sad fact.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
The affair has really been getting to me again lately, and it makes him sad that it feels like I don't trust him still. So if I tell him I logged into his Facebook and saw all of this, I know it will just reinforce the lack of trust.
Steel yourself. Based on what you have written, he's lying to you. You need to approach this with the stance that you KNOW he is lying. Collect your evidence, and present him with the package with all the confidence of someone who will NOT let this be turned back on her.
Is he having an EA? Maybe not. More likely, he is "tired" of not getting to be friends with whomever he wants. This could really and truly be just some stupid inside joke about the fox between him and a coworker - I believe that it's a real possibility. The HUGE problem here is that he's choosing to lie and minimize so that he can keep up this rapport.
So be your own lawyer. Write up a report with screenshots and the dates and times that he lied to you.
Then tell him that if he thought what he was doing was truly innocent, he wouldn't lie to you about it. If he denies the lie, calmly tell him that the conversation is closed and all the trust he built over the years is rescinded until he wants to grow up and cop to his worktime playtime.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
So if I tell him I logged into his Facebook and saw all of this, I know it will just reinforce the lack of trust
The act of checking his FB is not a reinforcement of lack of trust. What you found there is. Have him meditate on that for a while.
And the bottom line is, unfriending her on FB is not going to fix the issue if there is one. The station that they are currently working at does have separate bedrooms, but this is not their normal station, they are only there because of some remodeling that is being done. Once the remodeling is done, they will go back to the other station. Which has one bedroom. The bedroom has a wall that serves as a partial divider, but it is still one room.
I hate this
And the bottom line is, unfriending her on FB is not going to fix the issue if there is one.
This is an opportunity to work together to solve an issue, and it's an opportunity to check for false R.
I think your H needs more work on boundaries, and bringing your discomfort up may just be the signal he needs, just as it was for L2HM's H.
If you don't bring it up, you'll be keeping yourself in a dark place - and you deserve to treat yourself better than that.
You know what Deb, you said yourself that he has done the hard work. If you say to him, "this girl makes me uncomfortable", he should honor your concerns and cut off contact. I don't know what to tell you about this fire department thing. Even without infidelity, men and women spending that much time together, confined in a small place would concern me.
^^ One of the boundaries my husband and I have set as a result of the ONS is that he is no longer to be friendly or flirty with women. (My husband is quite the charmer.) He is to keep all necessary professional contact strictly professional. No personal conversations, no joking about things, just need-to-know work communication. Your husband should be bringing lots and lots of books, crossword puzzles, whatever, to work when he has to work with her, and not spending his time conversing and being friends. I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to 1) believe he can maintain a platonic friendship in a situation such as you've described and 2) be OK with it. That is the price you pay when you make the decision to break your vows IMO.
"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you" Bonnie Kaye
He's taking advantage of your patience. Be strong :)
Add the lying and the flirtatious "inside joke" about the fox? And the song only interesting him when the coworker was listening to it too? Um, no. Something seriously stinks here.
If you want him to stop working that shift? Reasonable. Stop communicating with this other chick? More than reasonable!
This means for 24 hours at a time, he works solely with this person, eats together, etc. This has only started recently, and it has bothered me a little bit all along. Every time I just grit my teeth and get through it. It also includes them sharing sleeping quarters.
Geez, just reading the shift is enough to set my teeth on edge too! Screw the extra money! Why the heck did he agree to this in the first place? Did he talk with you about it at all in advance (and get your agreement) or did he spring this on you?
Time for him to QUIT THAT SHIFT!
I remember my dad's last affair (unfortunately he had many and that last one was when I was in college, my poor mom) and he came home suddenly liking Michael Jackson songs when he never even listened to popular music before. It was bizarre to say the least.
This other one has never been very friendly toward me, and literally has walked away several times when I have show up to visit. But last time he was on the shift, she approached my truck as soon as I drove up and started talking, being really friendly. This bothered me, because it was a total shift in her normal demeanor. I asked hubby if he had said something to her about being nicer, and he says no. She also works full time at EMS, which is literally across the station from the F.D. So even if she is not on the truck with him, she literally just has to walk through the truck bay to get to the fire department. The two agencies also share a day room and kitchen.
I think that the only answer to this is to talk to him. The way that the shifts work is they post them on a scheduling site called When To Work, and they sign up for the weekends that they want to work. The assistant chief then looks at everyone who has signed up and chooses two people to staff the truck. So he never knows who he is going to get paired up with. Maybe he could talk to the assistant chief and ask that the two of them not be assigned together. Ugh I hate doing this kind of stuff because people who dont know us just assume I am a crazy jealous wife. And I am the assistant director at the 911 center here, so I also work closely with all of these people. I hate that he has put us in this position.
..all the little signs are there for slippery slope behaviour..
..after 3 years, he maybe is going back to old habits..
..for your sake, I hope that it is nothing but co-incidence..
..stay vigilant.. eyes wide open!