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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can't get this out of my head
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my SAWH would get inappropriately close to other women (on SI, it's called an EA; before his PA, I had no word for it other than disturbing), I'd call him out on it. He could (or would) never see what he was doing. He once asked why he couldn't have female friends. I said he could. I explained that his relationship with the risky woman was completely different from his relationship with friends of our marriage. As an example, I reminded him of how he asked his flirt about her siblings and how they were doing and contrasted that with how he didn't know/care about my sibs or Cindy/Mary/Julie's (friends of marriage) sibs. Heck, he didn't even know if they HAD brothers and sisters. That got through to him and showed him, at the time, the diff between the flirt and the friends.

I use that example because of your WH's reaction to the song when pointed out by your daughter compared to his reaction when brought up by the OW. It's a red flag to me for that reason. When it's an EA/PA, the rosy-colored glasses are on. That person is SO funny, SO smart, SO loving, SO kind, SO talented, SO skilled. Everything SHE does is better than anything YOU do. It's called infatuation. And for me, over the years, I've cultivated (unwittingly) that twitterpation radar. It's SO well-honed now. For me, I KNEW my SAWH was having an EA with the OW who became his PA. It worried me. I discussed it with him (as I had all the others). What I couldn't imagine is that it would become a PA. It took 22 years for his boundaries to loosen that much. For others, maybe it takes 5 years or 35. Yours is definitely in the danger zone, IMHO.


BW: 49
SAWH: 46
M: 22.5 yrs
TT: Nov 12-Jan 13
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14

Posts: 312 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others that you need to tell him how this makes you feel and ask that he request to not share a shift with her...... if he is at all concerned with your feelings and your healing he will understand and will do whatever he needs to do to make you feel safe.

(((deb)))


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 794 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
deb3129
♀ Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have talked to him about this now. When I initially talked to him, he was not angry but he really did not seem to understand why I was as upset as I was about it. However, a couple of days later we talked about it again, and he admitted that he had definitely pushed his boundaries. He assured me, and I now believe that there is nothing going on. He has promised to be more careful about boundaries in the future.

He has also gone to the fire chief who assigns the shifts and explained to him that he does not wish to be assigned any more shifts with either of the two females. So I am hoping this is the end of it.

After we have discussed it, I don't think that it was terribly ominous, I think he just made some really stupid choices and did not think about what he was doing. He said he did not see it as joking around with another woman, just as joking around with the guys. He did mess up, but I don't think it was as bad as it seemed at first. And I think it was a good reminder to him that he has to be on guard.


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 767 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Happy  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome! So glad you are feeling better, he reacted like a remorseful WS who "gets it"


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 794 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
hurting7897
♀ Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the previous responses are so good it's hard to come up with anything original, AND I am glad that you two have discussed the matter. I recommend a great book that's been suggested on SI over and over again. It's called, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's all about that slippery slope of loose boundaries.

Hugs to you.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, is she unfriended from FB now?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
deb3129
♀ Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she is also unfriended from FB


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 767 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
deb3129
♀ Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she is also unfriended from FB


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 767 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
PippaPeach6
♀ Member
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of the above and the first thing that struck me was the "slippery slope" - have you and H read Not Just Friends? BIG red flag . . .


Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009
Reconciled

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall


Posts: 384 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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