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User Topic: A question on Body Image ...
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never thought of myself as sexy or desirable.

This was written by a WS in another post and it caught my eye because the other evening, the issue of body image had come up as a side comment to a tv show that LF and I were watching.

I have heard this phrase time and time again from women that I know including my sisters and yes, LF too. I know that body image is not only a women issue and that men also suffer from it however, it seems predominantly something I hear from women and that includes both the BS and WS communities.

I know that I am not a Hugh Jackman lookalike however, I never felt any pressure (self or societal) to be so. I don't feel that he sets any standard of shape, size or physique that I am compelled to follow. If I was to compare, I would readily admit that yes, he may have the washboard abs that I don’t but I would also argue directly that he doesn't have my skills , experiences and abilities either. I feel that comparing him against me would not be comparing apples to apples but rather, apples to watermelons!

But seriously, it rarely has ever crossed my mind to worry that I did or did not meet some arbitrary image set by Hollywood or public opinion. If I have concerns over my body , its either health related my cardio says walk, not run) or its performance related (I will never outrun the zombies LOL) but I don’t recall worrying or being anxious about not meeting a particular body image standard.

Did the women WS’s worry about body image before or after the affair? Was it a validation issue?

How about the guys? Did you work out to lose that 10 extra pounds prior to the A so you would be more of a catch?


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here.

I don't think there is a woman in the western world who doesn't have some sort of body image issue.

From a very young age we are, as girls, bombarded with messages that we should change the way we look. Our own mothers dieting, running their fingers over their wrinkles while looking in the mirror, make up targeted at pre-teens, pop stars, billboards with stick thin models, make up, hair dye, botox, boobs jobs, tummy tucks, liposuction. We should be taller, thinner, bigger boobs, poutier lips, bigger eyes, smaller nose, funnier, sexier, smart but dumb. It is a never ending flood of commands. Photo shopping has a lot to answer for too!

I have huge issues with my self esteem and the way I look. There isn't an inch of my body I am happy with. I can't look at myself naked, my H hasn't seen me naked before either. The only thing I can really control about the way I look without spending an obscene amount of money on surgery is my weight. So I starve myself to stay within my target weight. I have done this for as long as I can remember. I am not so thin as to worry my family but not heavy enough to really be healthy. And my relationship with food is as messed up as they come.

Because of all this, I saw no value in myself. All of my self worth was tied up in what other people thought of me and how they treated me. When my BH withdrew love, affection and attention from me I was low and sought comfort from someone else in order to make myself feel good again.

Realising all of this is painful and I'm only just starting to work on myself so it's hard going. It's a process, but I'll get there.

Sorry for over-sharing


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1209 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes. Lovely body image. Still a sore subject for me.

Did the women WS’s worry about body image before or after the affair?
Both. I learned very early on that there was something wrong with my body. My Mother is built like a board. Straight up and down, zero curves. Not me. I was pre-pubescent and I got hips and some junk in the trunk. Mother made a huge deal out of getting clothing to hide my butt. I became extremely self-conscious about it because of her excessive negativity.

Once full blown puberty hit, it was all over. I was told constantly, "I don't know where that body came from." I was a freak. It became obvious that there was something wrong with me. I hated my body. Men stared at me. But I still felt that something was wrong with me. Magazines and media supported that theory. Skinny is "in". The models are all super thin with no curves, no breasts. Nobody in those magazines looked like me. Those dresses on the red carpet and at fashion shows would NEVER fit on a woman with curves.

QS never said a negative word about my body. Even when I was "fat". He touched me, he loved me, he appreciated and complimented me. But I had never learned to accept and appreciate my body, so it didn't matter how many compliments he gave, how honest he swore he was, I didn't believe him.

I spent years running from myself. Trying to find validation. I wanted to be beautiful, to be accepted. But no matter what people said, I couldn't believe it for myself. APs would tell me what I wanted to hear. It felt good for all of 2 seconds. But doubts and fears continued to creep in. So it went in one ear and out the other. And I continued the vicious cycle.

After Dday, everyone always tells you that the AP would lie to get what they wanted. They use you just as you use them. That was another blow. It meant he was lying. He didn't really think I was beautiful. I was just a receptacle for him. I tanked further. Felt utterly worthless and trashy in every way possible.

Don't really know where the shift happened. I think part of it was not focusing so much on my external, but my internal. I was so focused on my thoughts and mental processes. Somehow, during the course of it, I started to accept my external as well. Also, part of it was also realizing just how screwed up and unhealthy my FOO is. She can't get her head screwed on straight, so who died and made her an authoritative figure on body image???

QS never stopped loving, touching, complimenting me. And only recently have I been able to hear him say, "Jesus Christ...dat ass!" without cringing internally and rolling my eyes and saying "Whatever" externally. I'm still slightly uncomfortable, but much more accepting than previously. I actually believe him now. I think the discomfort is the newness of the process. I'm learning to embrace all of me. Just a time thing. *shrug*

[This message edited by Aubrie at 12:30 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm aware and care about my body image. Always have, and I guess always will. Fitness, health, attire, grooming, hygiene are all first-tier interests. When I look and feel my best, it's reflected in, and positively influences, every aspect of my professional and personal life.

I guess the key is healthy approaches and reasons here vs, boundary betraying reasons. My BW never suspected my affair due to changed appearance because I didn't change anything outwardly.

My inward changes....that's a whole other ball game. Ugly...


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
minorsong
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Member # 29282
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by minorsong at 7:12 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me (50)BW
Him (50) WH
M 25 years(together26)
DD#1 5/8/09 DD#2 12/5/09 (continued contact)
12 month EA/PA
DS20, DS8
In R

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2010
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From a very young age we are, as girls, bombarded with messages that we should change the way we look. Our own mothers dieting, running their fingers over their wrinkles while looking in the mirror, make up targeted at pre-teens, pop stars, billboards with stick thin models, make up, hair dye, botox, boobs jobs, tummy tucks, liposuction. We should be taller, thinner, bigger boobs, poutier lips, bigger eyes, smaller nose, funnier, sexier, smart but dumb. It is a never ending flood of commands. Photo shopping has a lot to answer for too!

Definitely this. For me, none of this stuff mattered until the people in my personal life began making comments about my body. I still feel so angry with myself for letting them affect me that way and get in my head. I did a good job of keeping them out for a long time, and I would love to figure out when and why I stopped.

Did the women WS’s worry about body image before or after the affair? Was it a validation issue?

In the first MH relationship, I was certainly looking for an ego stroke about my body. I wanted someone to find me hot. I cringe writing that now. How weak.

Body image was not an issue for so long, up until sometime in high school. Not sure what changed. My mom made a comment meant as a compliment when I was 14: "Oh look, you have a belly!" My aunt said something one day when I ran to the kitchen in my underwear when I was 15 (too embarrassed to say what it was). The girls in gym class asked me why I never shaved my legs. When I got home and told Dad, his highly supportive comment was: "You know, I find unshaved legs on a woman's body to be one of the most unattractive things… But that's no problem for you, maybe you can date some nice European boy, as unshaven legs are normal in Europe…" I noticed my guy friends talking about these hot girls they wanted to date, and I had crushes on my friends but went unnoticed. I was the friend they all confided in. Bad boundaries then on my part, and I didn't know that. Thought it was normal. Then there was my godmother. She was inappropriate with me and touched me in a way that makes me sick to this day. And she was always - and still is - harping about how I'm "pretty, unlike her". I hated suddenly being aware of my body. And then there were all the other little incidents of abuse (or maybe that's not the word, so let's just go with "incidents-I-didn't-want-and-said-no-to") - an ice cream man forcing a kiss on me, my grandfather groping my butt, all the men older than my father trying to get me to go somewhere with them (I was in my teens), that one guy in the health program forcing his tongue down my throat, even while I was pushing him off, and then being blamed by staff for "inviting it"… So I began wanting to be "mainstream hot" so I could attract a "good normal guy" and escape the sexual abuse. Of course it's never that simple.

Oh yeah, and there was something fun my Dad said to me during the first of the two madhatter relationships, after the guy was already abusing me: "Men want sex, and women want emotional attachments, and unfortunately if you don't learn how to play the dating game as a woman then you're going to get hurt." I happened to value sex already before that, just out of sheer enjoyment - but when he put it that way, I fell right into that little box that was being prepared for all that time. Suddenly, I felt ashamed for liking sex and ashamed for having wants. Oh - I was a woman, so I had to EARN sex now. I had to please the guy first and then ask real nice and then prove I could handle good sex without those silly emotional attachments… Oh, and then about ten months later I decided to cheat and have that ONS because, I wanted sex without the emotional attachments, just sex that felt good (not abusive) and where the guy was genuinely turned on by me. Too bad I gave up my integrity for that!

My two "relationships" (with the ex and with my H) were with people who were cheaters. Two people who began as the WS. I should never have become a WS myself. I should have left. At the time, I thought I deserved the abuse and the cheating… still sort of think I do, so working on it. What did it say to me that these guys were unsatisfied with me so they had to go look for someone else, no matter how available I was? My husband's said things that still haunt me, about other women, and unfavorable comparisons (I lose).

But guess what? All that crap is there, yeah, but it's up to me to not be drowned out by it. I see so many strong people here who do not have those self-esteem issues or feel self-conscious. I think that was a choice on their parts, and I admire them for it. So the million dollar question is, how do you drop the bad habit of low self-esteem and body image? I think whoever figures out how to "un-program" that will be a bestseller.

I'm honestly not sure how to reverse the body image. Stop watching TV? Life was simpler without the damn ads. Stop having sex? I would spend less time looking in the mirror if I stopped. Maybe start repeating to myself that I'm a gardener and mother and nothing more? Maybe eventually let my H go when he meets that hotter woman he's sure to meet and then remain single for the rest of my life? Actually, that sounds downright healthy. Define myself by what I do (mother, gardener) rather than how I look.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:35 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did the women WS’s worry about body image before or after the affair? Was it a validation issue?

Just before my A started, I had lost 30lbs of baby weight after having two babies in less than 2 years, and was looking the best I'd looked in years. On the outside I looked good and was wearing the clothes I'd always wanted to (it was always about that for me, looking nice in certain clothes), yet on the inside I was unsettled, I'm not sure why.

My confidence had increased and that was what gave me the guts to flirt with AP as I felt "good" about myself, but here's the thing, as time went by, I started to become more and more body conscious around AP. I started working out more and watched what I ate just in case we ever met in person, I wanted to be "thin". AP always commented on how he doesn't mind a bit "of meat on his women" but said this sarcastically. He'd often slip into convo his wife's dress size (two sizes smaller than me) and I would instantly get paranoid and self aware.

Despite losing 30lbs and looking great, within a year of the A, I was embarrassed about my body and felt fat every time I was with AP. Deep down, I knew that's not "love" but so badly wanted him to believe I was beautiful not just say it as I didn't believe him when he did.

My H never made me feel ugly or fat. He was with me unconditionally.

Affairs are so fucked up.. it's all about chasing the validation. Sending the perfect photoshopped picture to your AP so he may comment on it.. completely disregarding the fact that actually he doesn't give a shit.. it's all just a game, and in the meantime you walk around thinking you're god's gift.. until you crave your next high..


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartbroken0903
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Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written JustDesserts' post almost word-for-word, except from the female perspective.

I like how I look. It's important to me to look a certain way...not to fit in or measure up or be approved by others, but because it's what I like.

I'm lucky in that my parents always made me feel beautiful and accepting of my body, as did everyone I've ever been physically intimate with.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
rachelc
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Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like how I look as well, and I love how exercise releases endorphins... I do have some stubborn problem areas but I suppose every woman my age does.

my body image problems however, started early when I developed and I was very dysproportioned. It is horrible being 13 and receiving attention from grown men. I hated it, I didn't really come to terms with it until college. But the damage was already done in that I wondered if men liked me because of my body or because of just me.

It took me a long time to get comfortable with my body. As it related to my affair, my AP said it was the first thing he noticed about me. ugh.

When I was going through BS crap I lost so much weight and got a lot less stares. It was freeing, in a way. That experience caused me to be happy with how God made me. I think it can be the case of the "grass being greener" thing. It's just a battle I gave up.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2010
TwoStepsBehind
♀ New Member
Member # 42247
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure, as much as I hate to admit it,that my personal body image factored into my decision to have an A. I've gone to great lengths to convince myself otherwise, but it always rears it's head when I think honestly.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014
Wayflost
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Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate to Trying. I gained a TON of weight during my first year of grad school. I was depressed, my BH was away on a scholastic exchange, and the weight kept coming. I visited my BH at the mid point of the year and he was surprised by the change in my body. He was thrilled I was there and still wanted to have sex, touch me, and enjoy every inch of me... but I felt gross, fat, ugly.

My As started after I lost about 20 lbs. I looked better, and received that false sense of validation from my APs. Do I still like the weight loss? I'm not sure. I could still afford to lose some weight, but I know that the way I am right now is just fine for my BH. I just have to decide I'm fine on my own, and for myself.

I too have more curves than my mother. I used to joke about being the female version of my dad. That now comes with a ton of baggage of its own...

I've never felt like the pretty girl in the room, despite often being told I am beautiful. *sigh* It's something I'm working on.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 366 | Registered: Dec 2013
Mrs Panda
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Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm. I had to think a bit about this.

My mother always told me it should be a model. I found that ridiculous and way over the top praise. In reality, I am nice-looking but certainly not model material! I think in some ways, my mom's adoration (and grandmom's too) struck me as false and the kind of things all moms would say. So it definitely did not help my self-confidence about my looks.

In grade school I was teased for my "ski slope" nose and my gap between my two front teeth. Then I got braces and some acne during that awkward pubescent time. When others girls had boobies, I had nothing ("Welcome to Raisins!")

In high school I was very thin, 5'10", long blond hair (messy) so I stood out in a small school. I just wanted to "fit in." I tried to get "feathers" in my hairdo and cried because it looked so stupid. My mom is a bit prudish, so I used to sneak putting on makeup on the school bus. My clothes weren't cool enough, I was completely uncool. Boys took little interest in me except to tease me. I had many unrequited "loves" from age 6 through 18.

I went to college and I changed a lot. I became agressive (ah, the power of alcohol) and I discovered guys liked me (at least for sex). My style became trying to find the most attractive men (boys) to sleep with (and then maybe they would fall in love with me?)

I never left this need behind in college. It persisted. To convince the "cool guys" that I was sexy. Because inside I was still the insecure 6 year old being left out .


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Unagie
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Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Body image was and still is a sore point for me. XSO would tell me I was beautiful but when Roslyn Sanchez, Nia Long, and Alicia Keys are his celebrity go crushes hard to look at myself and think I was what he truly found beautiful. Add on to that I have never had a healthy body image, when I was in jr high I got bullied, in HS my dad used to make me exercise every day after school because he wanted me to lose weight. When I started dancing he stopped. No boyfriends allowed until a certain age but they wanted me to be fit and pretty. My cousin came to live with us and she was stick thin with a big butt and hips (kind of an optimum figure in my culture). My mom kept saying that's just what she looked like at my age and all the guys in my neighborhood and school were in love with her. Add on to that society's image of what is beautiful. Did you know a size 12 is considered plus size? At my best my lowest size was a 12 and I'm considerably higher now. Its hell finding attractive clothing and when I do its double the price of the same style in non plus size stores. I remember sitting in a fitting room a few years ago and just crying. I'd put on a dress that looked amazing and saw the price was something I could not afford and I broke down.

After my A I went through a stage of not caring how I looked. I put effort in for xSO and when he had his A I stopped caring period. If I dress up now its a shocker. I keep clean and look presentable for the most part but therd is no real interest. I've gained weight and a lot of clothes no longer fit. I hate how I look right now, not sure yet how to get to a healthy place here.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2642 | Registered: Oct 2012
Alyssamd24
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Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the answer is both....I guess I am on the opposite side of the spectrum cuz I have always been super skinny...the only time I have ever had boobs is when I was pregnant with my daughter.

I have been criticized by many people.....telling me to "go eat a burger" and have been accused of being anorexic. The fact is the medications I am on cause me to be skinny...before I was put on them I was a size 3-5, after going on them I lost 25lbs and am now a size 0. Even after gaining 60 pounds during pregnancy I dropped the weight without even trying.

Its hard to feel sexy when you are built like a 12 year old boy, and although I know my BH finds me sexy and attractive, when AP and I started talking he would tell me daily how attractive I was, and how I look so beautiful. I guess since I was hearing it from someone else it made me feel like I really was attractive and sexy.

Once the PA ended but we still talked everyday the AP would tell me often that he wasn't physically attracted to me at all, which definitely fucked me up and made my already low self esteem even lower...it made me feel like even more of a failure.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 744 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have issues with dysphoria every now and again...I don't think I'm transgendered or anything but sometimes I look at my female body and think "gross". Other times I wish I was more feminine. If I could get rid of all this disgusting hair, my boobs sag, etc.

I think this issue was around before the A, but after the A I hate my body more because I think of all the shameful things I've done and I feel damaged. Like the dented can at the store no one wants because it's defective.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2013
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know my WH revamped his image pre-A, lost weight, started exercising, updated the wardrobe and changed his grooming habits.... silly me, I thought it was for himself and perhaps a little for me... I didn't know it was to make it easier for him to attract OTHER WOMEN!

That hurts in and of itself.

As for my body image, Pre DDay I was fairly happy with how I looked, sure I could stand to lose a few kilos but given my age (50ish) and the 3 kids I've borne I felt I looked pretty darn good (granted not as good as I did before I had #3 at 37yrs old but still I felt I looked not too bad at all)

Post DDay, given that WH had sex with hookers 25-30+ YEARS younger than me(and him **blerk**) my body image is in the toilet.


All the women he persued were at least 15 YEARS younger than me, all were very slim builds (Asians) where as I am and always have been a large build (I'm tall as well) even the ones he sought on the find a fuck sites here at home were all 15 years younger than me, he even shaved a few years of his age in his profiles to attract younger women...


gotta tell ya, it doesn't do much for your self image when you know your H was out trolling for younger women to fuck.

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 10:07 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 470 | Registered: Mar 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my SAFWH was acting out he used to "preen" in front of the mirror in the mornings, I was still in bed. I don't think he knew I noticed. He is not and has never been a Hugh Jackman. I thought it was great that he was comfortable and happy with his body, not knowing he was sharing it with the East Coast.

I was an active gym rat, fit, thin, but very self conscious as stated by the other women. However, during the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship, and one more interlude when I was treated well, I felt like a beautiful, sexy woman, one who was desired and loved physically, despite my imperfections. That time was, sadly, short lived. Conversely, he became critical and insulting when trying to throw me off the track when his activities came to light. That reaction, vicious and nasty, has cut me deeply. I will never again believe that this 60 year old body has any attractiveness to someone who chased women 15+ years younger.

Of course my self esteem should not be dependent on another. But there you have it.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 11:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3282 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
rekindle
♀ Member
Member # 42184
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QS never said a negative word about my body. Even when I was "fat". He touched me, he loved me, he appreciated and complimented me. But I had never learned to accept and appreciate my body, so it didn't matter how many compliments he gave, how honest he swore he was, I didn't believe him.

Affairs are so fucked up.. it's all about chasing the validation. Sending the perfect photoshopped picture to your AP so he may comment on it.. completely disregarding the fact that actually he doesn't give a shit.. it's all just a game, and in the meantime you walk around thinking you're god's gift.. until you crave your next high..

Quoted these because they so perfectly describe me, even down to the photoshopped part. I hated myself and ignored my BH's comments so much, I manipulated photos (angles & photoshop) just to get comments, and somehow THOSE made me feel better at the time.

Aubrie, you seem to have such a good revelation of your "why's", did you find that on your own or through counseling? I wish I could be that clear on why the hell I felt the need to do such a despicable thing.


Me, WW
Him, BH
DD and baby #2 on the way
Together 9 yrs, married 4
Flirting/Boundary Breaking/Cheating for 8 years, OEA Fall 07-Feb 10 with flirty friend from 2007/2008, lied and rugswept until TT 12/13-02/14.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, you seem to have such a good revelation of your "why's", did you find that on your own or through counseling?
I haven't done formal counseling. I've read books, used SI, and have a couple dear friends who have assisted me as I work thru this. Didn't happen overnight. I still uncover new layers. We're three years into this process.

You can do it too. Just takes time, patience, and a willingness to look at yourself in the mirror.

Sorry for the t/j HUFI.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
somethingremorse
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Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about the guys? Did you work out to lose that 10 extra pounds prior to the A so you would be more of a catch?

WH here. I know when my depression and "mid life crisis" started taking hold, I was searching for something to make me happy. A bunch of us in our late 30's started making fitness a priority. I started running seriously, doing half marathons, lifting weights, P90X, etc.

For me, I knew that I was looking pretty good, especially compared to the men around me. When my BW didn't seem to be interested, I got resentful. I actually said out loud that I was wasting my last good years for a W that didn't notice. So THEN I started paying attention to younger women who paid me all kinds of compliments.

I honestly think I started trying to look good for my BW. When I convinced myself (incorrectly, I know. Lots of my decisions then were wrong.) that she wasn't interested, I interacted with women who were in the same situation as me. In fact, I think my initial boundary crossing was talking about exercise and looking better. So I think I was a little different than the others on this thread. It's still looking for external validation, but mine was was some combination of ego/acknowledgement for my hard work rather than a rooted insecurity.

FWIW, I have been uncomfortable "looking good" since DDay. I went a month without cologne, until my BW reminded me that she liked it. I'm working out, but have no motivation to hit it hard. I guess I'm worried I'll fall into the same pattern. I realize that I'll need to set boundaries and get some self understanding about my appearance with respect to my M.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 393 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
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