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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: lost love
cardnial
♀ Member
Member # 40382
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just wondering if other BS felt this way. We are trying R, but man it is so hard to trust him now or even love him. I don't love him like I used to, I mean how can you really after all he has done to me and our family. I fund myself holding back and sometimes I just pretend everything will be ok but I don't know. I am going to stay in IC and try to figure it all out, we were in MC but husband is cured now don't need to go anymore. Yeah right? I feel like if I don't allow myself to really fall in love with him again then I am protecting myself from any future hurts. So sad how can love be reborn once it has been so damaged? I don't want to care about him.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel exactly like that...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can regain your lost love, but you can't do it on your own. It takes a long time and a lot of hard work on both of your parts and unfortunately, it sounds like your WH is not onboard with that. Six months is nothing, my FWH and I are still in MC (although less frequently) at almost 4 years out. It is probably too soon for MC anyway. You and your WH should both be in IC first. If he is not willing to go, you go and learn how to take care of yourself and grow stronger. The 180 may be for you, read up on it and see.

It is perfectly natural and reasonable to want to protect yourself emotionally after such a trauma.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1334 | Registered: Aug 2010
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you feel normal feelings. I am in the same boat. It's hard to give your heart to someone who smashed it already. Try to figure out what you need and want and weigh your options on whether or not to stay together. I am no expert as I sway from one day to the next, but this is keeping me going.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've had essentially a perfect R - W's commitment never wavered, no broken NC, addressed issues as they came up (and some very painful ones did come up).

3 years out, I think I'm back in love with her and not unhappy about being IL. I've always been IL with her, but until a few months ago, I wanted to be less vulnerable. I don't think my recovery is complete yet, but being OK about being IL was a very nice step to take.

So what you're feeling seems normal to me, and love does come back, if you both do the work you need to do, and if you give yourself time.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:42 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10370 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cardnial
♀ Member
Member # 40382
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone, SI members has seen me through many lonely nights. I think yeah this probably is normal to feel like I don't want to love him. If I do then he has power over my heart and my feelings and he cannot be trusted with those. We were in R for many years and I thought all this was behind us but as years went by I just trusted him again and he let me down. I was devastated! He says he wants R but I think a lot of it is he doesn't want to loose his home and 1/2 his income and live in some furnished apt. while I get the house. Were both retired and moving south in a few months. I don't want to be the infidelity police, always checking the email, the phone etc. Freaking exhausting!! But given his history what else can I do ???

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
Topic Posts: 6

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